Killing Swans

Chapter 15 - Facing him

Present

A/N: Trigger warning for the whole Chapter basically...

I stared at Josh, my heart hammering in my chest. He was angry...he was really really angry at me and I-I...I couldn't blame him. I mean, he told me when he would be home and I just...I should have kept track of the time and gotten home before him! I shouldn't have gone to Adrian's with the rest, I should have just left after practice to go home, prepare a dinner and then we could have been happy right now! But then again...a part of me knew that that wasn't true. 

"I knew it...I left town for one fucking week and you are out throwing yourself at some guys like the fucking slut that you are!" Josh yelled, now taking his glass and throwing it in my direction. Luckily I, as a dancer, had good reflexes and immediately fell to my knees, protecting my head with my arms, as I heard the glass connecting with the wall behind me, breaking into a million pieces...I honestly wondered if the neighbours really didn't hear this or if they just...didn't care enough to call the police. But maybe we didn't even have any neighbours, after all, I never saw people on our floor. 

I looked up at Josh, tears of fear and frustration burning in my eyes. My breathing came out in short quick pants, as the terror of how angry he was right now got the best of me. I wanted to run, I wanted to leave this apartment and never come back, b-but I had nowhere to go and Josh would find me anyway and then it would just be worse! I needed to calm him down, I needed to get the calm and good Josh back and make him forgive me, so I stood up, trembling a little when I heard the glass crunch beneath my feet. 

"I-I wasn't- Josh I swear I-I was just at rehearsals, I just I-I lost track of time, really!" I pleaded with a shaky voice, as I tried to stand my ground. My whole body was shaking and it felt like I was in a nightmare. I should have been used to it by now, used to his...temper. But I just didn't think he would start a fight after not having seen me for a week. After all...he said that he had missed me, didn't he? I just prayed that I wasn't giving off the truth, that not somewhere on my body there was something written like 'Henry thought about kissing another guy' or 'Henry was out with other people and that's why he is late'. 

"Are you bullshitting me right now?? I texted you when I would be home and you didn't care enough to be on time?? There has got to be some other guy, tell me the truth!" Josh yelled, getting up from his seat and I immediately took a step back, seeing how he was coming for me. I knew...I knew that I wasn't weak. I was a ballet dancer with a lot of muscles, if I wanted to, of course I could fight Josh, but I just...I was terrified. This man held my heart. He took me in when I had nowhere to go and he cared for me. And I was still nothing without him. That didn't mean I wanted him to hurt me, I just didn't know how to stop it. 

Josh looked at me with so much anger in his eyes, as he paced towards me and I backed up to the wall, pressing myself against it, until he came to a halt in front of me and his hand immediately wrapped around my throat, pushing my head against the wall so violently that it hurt. I groaned in pain, but not much noise came out, since his hand around my throat was holding it close tightly and I began to panic. Shit shit shit I-I couldn't breath a-and Josh looked angry, he wanted to hurt me, but did he want to kill me now?? I mean, he had done this before b-but every time...every time it scared me again beyond belief. 

"Did you let some other guy fuck you, hm?? Did you spread your legs for him like you always do for me??" he asked, yelling at my face and he looked so angry...so angry, as if I had murdered his entire bloodline right in front of his eyes. He looked like he wanted to kill me, to end my own life and I squirmed in his grip, my hands going for his around my throat to get them off, but Josh was just very strong, you know? He went to the gym every day and unfortunately for me right now, it paid off. I couldn't breath and all I felt was panic, sheer panic, that told me to run, to fight for my life, but at the same time, I could do nothing but gasp for air and let the tears fall, so Josh would see that I didn't sleep with anybody else!! I never did, I had never cheated on him, never in my life, but it was Josh's biggest fear...that I would leave him.