Killing Swans

Chapter 16 - Falling victim

Past

I know I should have left. I know it would have been so incredibly easy to just get up from the cold floor in the middle of the night when Josh was asleep, take my coat and leave the apartment for good. The bruise on my cheek and the ones on my stomach would have faded in a couple of days and I could have stayed with Charlotte until I would have figured everything out. Everything would turn difficult then, yes, and I maybe would have had to quit ballet, but at least I would have never ever have to experience that kind of pain again. 

But I stayed. And I know that everybody who I would ever tell about this would say, that I was stupid and basically asked for this to happen, but I just...I couldn't get up. I felt weak, I felt like I suddenly deserved this and I knew I would never tell another soul about this anyway, because I would be the one to blame in this story. Because I didn't leave when we started fighting or when I stopped doing things I liked just to please Josh. Or when he slapped me and I had stayed. 

It's so easy to notice the signs from the outside, but inside the relationship...you just don't. Maybe it was because I was blinded by love and wanted him to love me as well. Maybe it was because I just needed this relationship to work out, since my existence depended on it. Or maybe I just...didn't think Josh was that kind of person. I just didn't expect this and I know that it's stupid and that I am so fucking dumb for staying and not noticing the signs, but I just...didn't see it coming. So I deserved it. 

I deserved to lay on the floor of the apartment I once felt safe and welcomed in. I deserved to lay there, feeling the pain in my stomach and on my cheek, that the person I loved brought onto me. I didn't even question my feelings for Josh in that moment, they weren't relevant. What was relevant was, that I was a stupid pathetic piece of garbage and maybe....maybe I just deserved this. People around me...people who told me they loved and cared for me, turned against me. My parents love for me was limited and that was my fault as well. Charlotte send that picture to my parents and brought me pain and Josh...Josh did this. It must have been me, no person had that kind of bad luck...It was my fault. 

When the sun rose, I began to feel scared. I should stand up, Josh probably wanted that. He would wake up soon to go to work and maybe...a-and maybe he would lose it with me again if he saw how I hadn't moved an inch since last night. I didn't want to feel that fear and pain again, that I had felt last night. I never wanted to feel that way about myself again and yet I was paralyzed in fear, as I could do nothing but lay on the floor, looking out the window and onto New York City. Over eight million people were out there and none of them would help me. None of them would think I deserved the help. I just had to lay here, accepting that. 

When I heard Josh's alarm go off, my whole body tensed up and my eyes widened. He was awake. I had missed my chance to leave, but...where would I even go? Sure Charlotte would take me, but she had stabbed me in the back before, how could I trust her now? And she would tell me, that she had already told me, that Josh wasn't good for me and I...I just didn't want to hear that right now. It made me feel like shit. It made me feel guilty. When I heard the bed moving and Josh getting up, my breath hitched in my throat, as every fibre of my body was now tense and slightly shaking in fear. I hated this, I hated fearing Josh, my boyfriend. I hated being afraid in my own home, b-but I...I couldn't do anything, I felt so powerless! 

And I didn't even know why...because I was a man. At least that would be what society would say. I was a man and I should be able to protect myself and fight back when being attacked. If I were some helpless old housewife, who got hit by her angry husband, nobody would blame her...well they would tell her to just leave him, but nobody would tell her to just 'fight back you little bitch'. But suddenly I understood them all...I always believed, that there were other ways. Just leave him and the pain behind. Get a lawyer and sue him or something...but it just wasn't that easy.