Killing Swans

Chapter 17 - Pulling through the pain

Present

I woke up at five am again, but to be honest, I never really went to sleep. It wasn't like Josh would have let me get up in the middle of the night anyway, he was too suspicious and he didn't like me taking pills so...no sleep for me again I guess. But the pills wouldn't have helped anyway, probably. My whole body hurt form the day before, but so did my mind, still. I stared out the window, like most nights, wondering what the people on the building opposite to us were doing. Why weren't they helping? Did no one ever see what was happening in apartment 904? Sure it was a business building for a big bank, but...did nobody ever see?

Sunday went by in a rush. I barely made it out of bed and Josh just went to work. He didn't care if I was alright or not and he didn't care to ask me, if I needed anything for the pain. I didn't dare to look myself in the mirror or feel the damage, I just laid in bed and cooked something for Josh when he would come back from work. Everything hurt and I just knew that it would take at least a week before I was back to normal again. When he returned, Josh just ate and watched some TV with me in his arms. He didn't talk much, he knew that I was in no condition to hold a conversation the way he would expect me to do, so he just let me be. I didn't even stretch or workout a bit, since I knew I wouldn't like what I would be feeling then. 

After we watched a few movies, we went to sleep and Josh even carried me to the bedroom again. He was sorry, though he didn't say it again. Tomorrow, I had rehearsals again and I was not ready. I was not ready to move my body again and see and feel the damage my own boyfriend had done. I was not ready to see Milo and act as if everything was alright. That was the bullshit with friends, they knew when something was up and...cared. But tomorrow as tomorrow and not today. I laid in bed next to Josh and tried to fall asleep. But again I didn't really sleep. I just got up at five am once again to go to work. 

Josh didn't mind me getting up so early, over the years he just accepted that it was part of my job...at least that much he gave me. And yes, it started as me basically fleeing my own home. The earlier I could leave it the better, even though I felt guilty for feeling that way. So when I got up at five am, Josh just turned around and mumbled something in his sleep, but he didn't stop me. It was still dark out, but I didn't turn on the light to find my way, Josh didn't like that. I went into the bathroom and took a glimpse in the mirror. Fuck. 

There were bruises around my waist and sides from when Josh...when we had sex. But I was used to that and knew how to cover those up, but...the bruising on my neck was much much worse. That was where his hands had grabbed me, strangling me or at least trying to do that. You could almost see the finger prints, that was how obvious they were and I gulped. Normally, Josh was carful not to leave bruises where people could see, but the other night, he was too angry to care apparently. It was my own problem after all. I fished for my makeup under the sink, taking some concealer, before I started to cover it up. I had gotten good at that, unfortunately. First cover it with green and red, then comes concealer coat number one, then two and then some powder. If you'd look closely enough, you would still see it, but nobody would look anyway. 

It hurt touching the skin there, it was bruises after all and it hurt badly, but I had to touch it in order to cover it up. It just had to be done. I snuck into the bedroom one last time and searched for my one sweater with a turtleneck, just to make sure, nobody would ask any questions. I quickly got changed into my training clothes, since nobody should see my naked body, before I was on my way to the studio. My entrance, insides and back were still very sore from two nights ago, since Josh entered so violently without any preparation or lubricate. But it wasn't my first time pulling through something like that. Still, it never got easier. 

I knew that he didn't mean it or maybe he did...I hated making excuses for him, but it was just easier than to face the truth. A truth where I was too weak to fight back or leave him. A truth where the only person who said that he loved me, hurt me repeatedly. I hated that truth and the one where Josh just lost it, because of how much he cared for me, was just easier for me to accept, you know?