Killing Swans

Chapter 28 - Breaking Point

Past

"You fucking idiot Henry!! Can't you do a single fucking thing right, are you that fucking stupid???" Josh yelled at me, but what else is new? Why was he angry this time you may ask? Why wasn't he angry you mean. It simply started with me saying that I was tired from dancing so much, when he had asked me how I was feeling today and that turned into him thinking that meant that I wasn't in a good mood and that it would inconvenience him in some way and then he just found things that were wrong and blamed it all on me. So nothing out of the ordinary you could say. But his raised voice still managed to make me tremble in front of him. My life was so much fun, right? 

"Josh, I'm sorry, I will remember to call the maid tomorrow and tell her to not clean around our clothes next time, so she won't spill anything on them again, can you please just calm down?" I tried to say gently, but honestly I was just tired. This was so stupid and I knew it would end up with me bleeding on the floor again, but that was just my life now I guess. And at my words Josh raised his hand, ready to slap me and immediately I ducked, but no hit came my way. When I opened my eyes, Josh was facing away from me, as he grabbed his own face, holding himself back. He looked so angry...But I had done nothing wrong, had I?

"Fuck Henry...You really make me so angry. You make me want to hurt you, to see you cry and that pisses me off. Is this what you want?? Is that it?" Josh asked, grabbing my face and I cried out as my pulse rose very quickly. When Josh was this close, I was even more scared than when he kept his distance, because I had to look into his eyes, his eyes that were burning in anger and made my knees weaken in pure sheer terror. I knew that what he was saying was true, that the only way Josh would forgive me for something I did wrong was when I would pay for it and right now I saw that same look in his eyes. I knew that he wanted to punish me, he was just debating on how to do it. 

Sudenly Josh pushed me down, so that I fell to my knees and I would have thought that he would start kicking me or just let me lay there all night long, maybe even order me to do so, but suddenly he kneeled down as well and threw me over his shoulder, carrying me into the bedroom and for a second I was confused, but when he threw me down on the bed I knew exactly what was going to happen, how he was planning to make me pay, to take his anger out on me and I was terrified. Tears streamed down my face, as I tried to get up again, but my strong boyfriend just pushed me down again as he took off his own top and at that point I wanted to scream out crying. 

"No Josh please I- *sob* I-I please not now, I don't want to, please stop!!" I begged, but Josh just didn't give a single shit about what I wanted and I should have seen that coming. But my boyfriend ignored my please and just dover forward, kissing my neck and sucking on it in an unpleasant way. Every kiss, every touch made me want to throw up or hide somewhere, but what could I do? He was claiming something that was...his right? I didn't know what to believe anymore, I just knew that this didn't feel good, it just didn't feel right. Josh forcefully pulled my shirt over my head, feeling up my chest and stomach and I was sick to my stomach. 

"Please, P-Please Josh please!" I tried begging, gently holding his face between my hands, but Josh wouldn't even look at me, he just continued kissing my chest and roughly grabbed my hands, holding them over my head, so that I couldn't touch him anymore. Yeah, right now Josh didn't want sex, he wanted to be in control, he wanted to control another person, that was probably not even human to him, but that didn't matter, I was some disgusting piece of trash to him and he wanted me to feel this pain. He knew that it brought me pain, that was why he did it, that was what excited him and that was why he opened my pants with one hand, pulling them down and leaving me naked before him. I cried, I sobbed, but I just had to endure it. There was nothing that I could do... I felt so powerless. 

Josh just opened his own pants, not pulling them down, as he lifted my legs up to my chest, pressing them down so hard, that it became harder and harder to breath, before he spit down on his dick and with one hand helped it slip inside me, without any preparation whatsoever. We had sex yesterday, so it wasn't too painful, but still, the mere sensation made me turn my face to the side in a desperate attempt to burry my head and maybe escape this pain and horror somehow. I bit my lip, hard, as Josh began thrusting in and out of me, hurting me more and more and I sobbed and tried to breath, but that seemed pretty much impossible.