Killing Swans

Chapter 5 - F*ck off

Present

I loved the empty studios in the morning. It was one of my favourite places in the entire world. I got up at 4 am and walked down the dark streets of New York right to that special spot, where I felt at home. Yes, some would call me crazy for doing so. Especially when the original training wouldn't start before 8 am, sometimes even later. But I liked this. I felt safe. And it wasn't like I actually slept a whole lot anyway, so getting up this early wasn't very difficult for me. I just couldn't really sleep that well. When I was younger, I slept like a baby wherever and whenever I could, but...after everything changed the way it did, I just didn't like sleeping anymore. I don't know, it wasn't like happy things would come from my dreams. 

When I was a kid and had trouble falling asleep or had a nightmare, I always went to my parent's room. My dad didn't like me sleeping in their bed, he thought I was too old for that and he didn't want to give up his comfort for a scared little boy, so my mom always got up instead and slept in my bed with me. She kept me safe and in her arms, my face and body surrounded by her warmth, that would protect me from all the demons this world had to offer and that's how I could always fall asleep. And later, when I was actually too old to get my mommy whenever I was scared at night, it just felt good knowing that I just had to knock at her door and she would hold me at night, keeping me safe. 

Now she didn't protect me anymore and I just developed a negative opinion concerning sleep. I got anxious when it came to falling asleep, especially now that I was alone for the week. It wasn't like my mother could have actually protected me. If robbers were to break into our apartment and try to hurt us, she wouldn't have been able to fight them off. But even when I knew that, I still felt safe in her embrace. But she and my dad needed to ruin that. Well partly at least. But in the end, they ruined everything. 

Now, after a quick shower to wake up properly, I walked towards the closed ballet company through the cold night. Cars were honking and the people on the street were a mixture of ones, that had just gotten up for work, like me, and the ones who were still up, either from partying or working. 5 am in New York was a truly interesting time. Walking down these streets, the wind blowing around my face, that I had buried in my scarf, I felt safe. Even though New York was no safe space whatsoever. But I knew that shortly, I would be dancing all by myself again and I loved that thought. 

I started getting up this early around the time my parents decided they couldn't stand having me in their home anymore. I couldn't really sleep and so rather than staying in the bed that I didn't even own, I walked to my school in the middle of the night and danced. I danced until my troubles were miles away and then I was happy. That's when I also started getting very very good at ballet. I knew I was already good, but never good enough. Even now I was not good enough. But with a lot of training and hard work, that could change someday. 

I entered the big beautiful building of my new company with the electronic key card, which they had given me. The man at the gate looked up at me a little confused, it didn't seem like a lot of other dancers were walking into this place this early. He frowned at me and I lifted my card, showing the picture of myself and the department I was in: performer. The guy just shrugged and buzzed open the door to the building, that was only meant for the staff. I walked inside, securing the bag on my shoulder. 

Turning on the lights in this big building felt strangely good. It also felt lonely, really really lonely, but good at the same time. A few lights around here were still, or maybe already, on, but I liked flipping switches in an elite and expensive place like this. I entered the locker room that Adrian had shown me yesterday and there were a few belongings of the guys laying carelessly on the ground. Oh how I sometimes wished I could just change with the girls. After all, I wouldn't eat up their bodies with my eyes and they were a lot cleaner so...But it was my first real day here and I didn't want to make any trouble.