Killing Swans

Chapter 18 - Keep on fighting

Past 

Dear Mom, Dear Dad.

Things...haven't been great for me. I'm still dancing at the academy, just like Mom always wanted me to...I know you told me to never call you that again, but then again, if you have even opened this letter, I think some part of you wants me to be your son again. And I want that as well. I miss you guys...I miss you every day, even after the way you treated me. And I hope to some extend you realize now, that you were wrong. But it's ok I guess...I would forgive you. If you would just apologize and accept me back into our home, I would forgive you guys. Why can't you do that? 

I need you two, I need you more than ever. I mean, my life is ok, I haven't been living on the streets, I am in a good home right now, but it hasn't been easy lately. I need my parents. I need my mom and dad and I know that maybe you will not even open this letter, but I really hope you do. Doesn't it say something, that I hadn't written you the first five months that you have thrown me out? That I am writing to you now? I need you, I need you guys, so please...if you can, please call. My number is written down below as well as my address and my email address, just in case. I miss you and I hope you miss me too...I'm not completely sure why I'm writing this letter, but I just hope you will read it. 

I love you, 

your son Henry.

I looked at the piece of paper in front of me, reading over it once again, like I had kept on doing this past hour or so. The small light of the lamp on Josh's desk in our bedroom kept me company, while my boyfriend was sitting on our bed behind me, texting on his phone. It made me nervous when he did so, a part of me wanted to suspect he was having an affair, which hurt to even think about, but I could never let my suspicions or fear even show, because Josh would surely get very angry and I did not want for that to happen. It wasn't a real suspicion, but I would have loved to ask him who he was texting. But even that scared me too much to do. 

"Are you still working on that letter?" Josh suddenly asked, startling me and making me flinch. But he was still sitting far away on the bed and he didn't even sound angry, just demanding. I glanced behind me to see Josh putting down his phone and getting up from the bed. He was in a relatively good mood today, like he always was when he had let out his anger the day before, so I wasn't surprised. "Uhm yeah. I just want it to be perfect" I said lowly and I heard him walking over to me, the sound of his bare feet hitting the wooden floor of our bedroom reached my ears and I got a little tense, as I looked back down at the letter, hoping that if he would read it, he wouldn't get mad. 

I felt his hands on my shoulders and my instinct was to flinch again, but I closed my eyes, trying to control my body to not show that I was always afraid around Josh...I would always be from now on. He massaged my shoulders, as he glanced down at the paper, reading a bit. "Babe...I don't even know why you bother. It's not like they will even open your letter anyway. They will burn it the second they realize that it's from you" Josh said and I clenched my jaw. Yes, that was what I feared as well, but you had to hope, right? 

"I know...but I want to try anyway" I said and Josh didn't say anything to that, he just kept massaging my shoulders, before he wrapped his arms around my neck, loosely I might add, hugging me, before he pressed a kiss to my cheek, exactly where he had hit me the night before. Just like the last two months. Sometimes it was only once every other week, sometimes it was just once a week but a slap, but sometimes, it was with his fist. He normally tried not to, so it wouldn't leave a mark, but yesterday, he had gotten too enraged when we fought about....I don't even remember, he was probably just angry because he fought with his dad again. 

"I'm sorry, I just don't want you to get disappointed, you know? I love you, I hate seeing these assholes hurt you" Josh said and I clenched my jaw. How ironic. Well, the people I was close to always hurt me, it didn't matter if they actually loved me or not, apparently I was attracting violence and hate and Josh was no exception. I didn't say anything to what he had said. I wouldn't know what to tell him anyway, because I didn't know myself. That I was trying to get out of this apartment, out of a life where I had to be constantly afraid that Josh would hurt me? I loved him...I did, but the past two months had been hard. I had told him I would write my parents just to see if they would reconsider cutting me out of their lives forever, but not why I was doing so now.