Killing Swans

Chapter 21 - Losing myself, losing my mind

Present

Fuck Fuck shit fuck oh I fucked up so bad, I fucked up so incredibly bad! Why the hell did I do that?? Why oh why did I let myself do that, why did I kiss Milo, why did I let him get this far, why didn't I pull away why...shit. I mean...technically Josh couldn't know about this. How, I mean there were no security cameras in that old dressing room and the door was locked so nobody could have seen us...Milo and I kissed, but he didn't leave any marks or stuff, I didn't let him get that far, though...I would have wanted to. I really really really wanted to. A lot. 

Because that kiss was amazing...I was still breathless when thinking about that kiss, that was how amazing it was. Maybe it was just that great, because it was forbidden, because it was dangerous. Maybe I just thought the kiss was good, because I wasn't supposed to do this and it was a bit risky, but then again, I knew that that wasn't true. I knew deep down, that I genuinely liked kissing Milo and not just because he was very skilled with his mouth, but also because it was him. It was Milo, who...who was there for me. He was always there for me, even though I was a complete asshole and nothing but rude to him. He liked me, for some reason and he was good to me. I let myself fall and that may have been one of the worst things I had ever done. 

Not because of me and the dangers that came with this. Not because I could be found out and Josh could actually hurt me so much, I might just die. But it was bad...because of Milo. This couldn't happen, I couldn't let myself get involved with him, because otherwise, maybe not even I would get hurt, but Milo would as well and I did not, never, want that. And also, I gave him hope, that maybe there could be something happening between us and now I would have to turn him down, which was just cruel. I didn't want to do that, but...I had to. I couldn't leave Josh, I knew that...it just didn't work that way and even if I could, he would not stand by and watch me get together with somebody else, even if I would want that. It just couldn't happen and I would have to hurt Milo's feelings, which I hated doing, because he was so...so good to me. But it had to be done. 

I rushed out of the company, my head a mess. I had seen my brother again after over two years and it went surprisingly well, but it also caused me a lot of emotional disturbance to say the least. I mean, there was a possibility, that I would even see him again and that was something worth celebrating, but knowing that with my leaving and my outing I had caused him this much trouble, that he had to quit swimming and was now afraid of being too feminine, too...well gay...it broke my heart. I wanted to scream at my parents just for doing that, for not leaving him out of this whole thing...Oliver wasn't happy, but he was ok so...to say my emotions were mixed was an understatement. 

Then I kissed Milo, which ensured enough emotional distress, that I wanted to hide myself away under a blanket until everything would blow over. I didn't even know if I actually regretted the kiss, because to some extend I really treasured it. I had finally been kissed by somebody, who wanted nothing but the best for me. I wasn't too sure yet and didn't want to be disappointed by Milo as well, but as far as I knew for now, he didn't mean any harm and liked me for me, despite my well...bitchy and cold personality. It was a difficult situation, but the decision to tell Milo that it could never happen again wasn't so hard after all. For his sake. 

But what also caused me a lot of emotional distress, especially now, as I was hurrying to get home into my empty apartment, was the fact that I had heard Josh cheating on me. I mean, I already knew, that Josh wasn't so faithful to me. I had known for a while. It was just something I felt, because he was often texting and grinning at the texts and one time I caught him taking naked pictures of himself and his dick. Sometimes he would stay at the office for days on end and I just knew that he wasn't alone. He also sometimes smelled of other aftershaves that weren't his or mine. I knew it, but it still...hurt.