Killing Swans

Chapter 4 - Falling

Past

Josh really texted me again...he really did! And he even asked me out on a date and didn't even ask for it to take place in his apartment, which basically just meant casual sex, no, he took me out to dinner and then to a movie and I even got to pick which one we would watch! I mean sure, you could say he did the bare minimum of what is expected of a nice date, but...I never had anybody do that for me, you know? The highlights of me getting treated nicely were when the Grindr hook up in the shabby motel payed for the 25$ room or even brought a bottle of champagne. Even better was it though when that same guy had agreed to put on a condom so...this really was new to me! 

But when I confessed this to Josh at the end of the date, he had only frowned, looking kind of sad as he said, that I deserved so much more than just getting treated to a dinner and a movie. And not just because I was sweet and kind of awesome, his words, not mine, but because I was a human being and everybody should be treated as such. Because life had value. I never saw it like that before to be honest. I didn't think that I was worthless or anything, but I also never expected anybody to treat me nicely, just because we live in a weird world where it was everybody for themselves. But I was actually more of a team player. 

Josh was really nice like...really really nice. But I don't know, I didn't really want to get attached. I never had a boyfriend before, just a few hook ups over the years, but nothing serious. But the way we were talking and holding hands, it felt like we were already more than just something casual. It didn't scare me, I was just nervous to fuck it up and too shy to ask what this really meant. But Josh guided me through all of it and that felt good. I didn't need to be nervous, thinking about if it was ok to reach for his hand in the cinema, he simply did it for me and I felt all giddy to be honest. 

I didn't need to wonder, if I was making a good impression while we were talking in the restaurant, because he told me a couple of times how cute I was or how much he enjoyed spending time with me. And I enjoyed talking to him. He was genuinely interested in me, he really was and he listened to me rambling on about how great ballet was or why I enjoyed it so much, but he also asked the right questions. And when we talked about him, he had actually some interesting things to say, not like with other guys, who then proceed to talk for an hour about their band in Kevin's basement, who had one gig at homecoming last year, but he felt like a god. No, Josh was different and my fear of fucking it up rose with every second we spend together. 

After the first date, he walked me to the subway, since I already told him, that my parents didn't know about me being gay yet, so I needed to get home alone. And there between all those people, he kissed me. I never knew kissing could be this great, honestly. With the other guys, it was always boring and I never got what the big deal was about it. It dried my lips out and was just...weird. But with Josh it felt like how they always describe it in the movies. It was passionate and I never wanted it to end. How he held my jaw, guiding me, how his lips caressed my own and his tongue gently massaged mine...I loved it, I was in heaven. 

When I returned home that evening, I yelled into my pillow out of sheer happiness, especially when he texted me good night. I smiled at my phone for hours, just looking at and falling in love with that text. And my happiness lasted until the early morning, when I had to get up at 6 am to go to ballet school. 

Thankfully, my dad was driving me today, since he had a meeting in the city and this would be a thousand times faster than the subway. Oliver, my little brother, was sitting in the car with us, since his school was on our way, but he didn't even listen to our conversation. He rather had his headphones in, listening to some shit fourteen year olds listen to now, I don't know.

I was so happy, I smiled out of the window the whole drive, while drinking my coffee out of my to-go mug and dreaming about what could possibly happen with Josh. Something serious maybe? Or just a feisty affair? We would have to sneak around and he would have to leave my room through the window and the backyard in the morning. Or he would take me on trips or we could get married in secret- I, yes I was getting ahead of myself, I was very aware of that, but come on, he was really nice and funny and oh so hot, Jesus Christ.