Killing Swans

Chapter 26 - Ticket into Freedom

Past 

"Well good morning, if it isn't the man of the day!" Josh cheered, when he hugged me from behind, kissing my neck. I chuckled weakly, while continuing to mix the oatmeal together for our breakfast. Especially I needed it for once, because today really was a very big day for me. Normally, Josh would have gotten annoyed with me just having such a small reaction to him being nice for once, but I think he just thought it were the nerves and that was why he let it slide. And he wasn't completely wrong, because I truly was a nervous wreck. 

"How does it feel to finish Ballet school in exactly-" Josh started, before he lifted his wrist, checking the time and continuing "Ten hours?" I bit my lip, chuckling again, before I put down the spoon, turning towards Josh in his hold. This day came with a mixture of excitement and nervousness, but for reasons that Josh didn't really know about. Sure I was nervous about performing in front of so many people, especially the important directors from Ballet companies all around the world and people judging your every move and of course I was also happy to finish my education, but most importantly...this could be it. 

Because maybe I would get a contract offered somewhere....that wasn't New York. And Josh couldn't leave, he had to work at his dad's office, that he would sooner or later take over. So maybe...maybe then it would be the end to things. I would send him checks, clearing my dept with him over time and that would be it. Or maybe we would try long distance, but at least I wouldn't get hit so often and I wouldn't have to live in fear, because I genuinely didn't know how long I could keep living like this. I just had to hope that maybe, if I was good enough, I could dance somewhere else and that would help me escape. Of course I couldn't tell Josh about that plan of mine and so I just had to tell the other half of the truth, that he could know. 

"I don't know, I'm just really nervous...I don't want to mess up in front of these important people and it will be my last performance at the school. It's a really big deal and I have felt so much pressure coming from my teachers, so uhm...I don't know, I guess I'm just really nervous" I said, opening up a little and looking up at Josh, who seemed to actually be listening to me. But then why was he smiling like that? My boyfriend leaned forward, kissing my forehead, before ruffling through my hair, saying "Aw babe, well don't be nervous and hey, at least you get to graduate!"

Oh...so he was listening but also...not at all. "Uh yeah I-I guess" I whispered and Josh just smiled at me, before he tried the oatmeal with a spoon and saying "Next time add less sugar. Thanks babe!" He put the spoon in the open dishwasher, before he walked over to our small dinner table, sitting down and texting someone on his phone. Oh...what a nice conversation that just was. I actually thought...I actually thought he might listen to my problems. After all, he was acting so nice and caring, as if he wanted to make up for something or maybe he actually and genuinely was just very much happy for me today, but...apparently I had misjudged him. 

Honestly I didn't even know why, it wasn't like Josh actually gave a single fuck about me, as hard as it was to know that. The scars on my back and bruises healing everywhere just very much proofed that. Every time he lifted his hand I flinched. Anytime he yelled at me, I cried and protected my face. And sometimes I was right to do so, because then he would hurt me. Was this love? I knew he loved me in his own scary way, but he didn't actually care for me. He didn't want me to be happy or else he would have at least listened to my fears just now, that were not even concerning our relationship or me leaving him in any way. So no...Josh didn't care for me. Nobody did. 

I finished the oatmeal, putting it in two bowls and placing one in front of Josh and when I did, his hand grabbed my waist, pulling me down so I was sitting in his lap. "Thanks babe, looks really good. I'm so proud of you, I can't wait to see you dance tonight" he said, kissing my cheek and I hated when he acted like he actually gave a single fuck about me. He was being overly nice today and maybe it was because two nights ago he...he forced himself on me again when I said I was too tired after practice and he left some bruises that still reminded him today of what he had done or maybe his messed up brain just actually told him to be happy for me.