You're So Golden |H.S|

Chapter 71

I can see you standing next to me
In and out somewhere else right now

You sigh, look away
I can see it clear as day
Close your eyes, so afraid
Hide behind that baby face

You can drive all night
Looking for the answers in the pouring rain
You wanna find peace of mind
Looking for the answer

***

This year has been one hell of a ride wouldn't you say? A very bumpy, dangerous, full of unnecessary loops, never-ending rollercoaster of emotions.

With many rides comes many ups and downs and then that amazing feeling after when it comes to an end and your process and take in all the feelings that you felt.

Your stomach starts to ease, your face cold from the wind that blew through your hair, and your nerves slowly wash away when you have that reassurance that it's over.

But sometimes people chant to go again, enjoying that feeling, wanting to feel it more, so they stick to the same ride knowing what those ups and downs look like.

You get used to the feeling of the ride so nothing becomes a shock anymore; it becomes familiar.

You enjoy the stability and you enjoy the feeling of being comfortable because you're so used to the ride instead of being unfamiliar like the people who had gotten off and moved on.

Then other people want nothing more but to get off of the ride and find something new and maybe even better. They prefer to step out of their comfort zone and take that risk to find something more new, fun, and exciting.

For the longest time, I was going on the same ride of life over and over again but never necessarily got used to all of the downs.

Some days I had hoped I'd be going up, knowing damn well I was more familiar with the rollercoaster than anyone else. So I should've known I was bound to drop eventually.

But after meeting Harry I finally took the step and got off. I wanted to move on and try something new and even though I needed a bit of a push seeing as it's quite scary, I still got there.

I'm proud of myself too.

This years now coming to an end and I could either stay on this ride with Harry, staying afraid for my life because of things that are out of my control, knowing he's more than ready to get off with me and move onto something new.

Or I could grab his hand, get off of this mess, and become stronger than I've ever been before. Instead of accepting failure like I've been saying, I could fight back as I've always dreamt of doing.

I keep telling myself, 'it's all out of my control' but that's all my choice at the end of the day.

That could easily be changed and I have a feeling that maybe if I try hard enough and have enough people supporting me, knowing that they would, why not try?

Why continue pretending to be a new Ariana when I'm still just as afraid as I was before? The only difference now is I'm no longer blinded. The truth gave my confidence, but that doesn't make me any less afraid.

I don't want to be scared anymore and I feel like if I try hard enough I don't have to be. Because constant fear and hiding and wishing things were different won't change anything other than my sanity.

The only thing that could put an end to all of this is change and that's something that I'm lacking deeply.

I'm ready to move on and fight. I want to fight.