Cardfight!! Vanguard G: Z World

#68: Cherry Blossom Trees

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After everything that happened in the forest, my body didn't feel like my own.

My body felt violated, filthy, and unlovable.

I felt an unbelievable amount of guilt wracked up in my heart.

I can still see it vividly.

Wyvon covering me as Max violently attacked him again and again.

The drops of blood that fell on my face, and all the purple swelling.

All to protect me.

I wanted to scream out and tell him to get away, so he didn't have to get hurt anymore.

So that he didn't have to face his past for my sake.

But because of my cowardly voice... I couldn't utter anything...

And because of that, I brought so much pain on Wyvon...

I've lived the past year quietly, using cooking therapeutically to get over the scars.

I've forgiven the person who done this. I've accepted the fact this happened.

I continued to spend time with Wyvon, getting closer and closer...

But one thing still felt off.

It was how my body slowly warped into something I couldn't bear seeing.

The thinness of my hips. The broadness of my shoulders. The shape of my face.

I grew my hair long because... it felt right. I started experimenting with makeup secretly... because I was curious.

I ordered girls clothes online... and tried them on.

...and it felt right.

I couldn't stand to see myself in the mirror... but in that cutesy shirt and pleated skirt... it became slightly more tolerable.

I donated all the clothes and makeup afterwards... It was embarrassing to keep around. I was scared of my dad finding out.

I never told anyone about what I did or felt.

I kept it all inside, because...

I'm not a person who can speak their true feelings easily...

It's embarrassing... it feels lame... I'm scared of what other people will say or think...

There've been many times where I thought about cutting my hair... because of all the stares I'd get from people for having such long hair.

It brought a great deal of anxiety inside me. I still kept it though, because... it made me happy.

That's what Wyvon said was most important. Whatever makes me happy.

That's why I kept it... I proudly wore long hair, even though my dad also disapproved.

Instead of stating my feelings outright, I always try to hint it... hoping someone will catch on and realise...

But I'm bad at that too... all the small things I've done to gain his attention and point him towards how I've felt towards him for the past year have fell on deaf ears.

He's not an idiot... he's smart and sensitive to the mood. That's why I don't understand why what I'm doing hasn't gotten to him...

I sometimes wondered if it was because he didn't want to accept them due to this body. It made me hate it more. It made me want to get rid of it even more.