Ignorance ➵ h.s. au

sixty third

Watching him go back to his house wasn’t the easiest while she just stood there, without a word, choking on her own cowardice. Why couldn’t she apologize? They were there, face to face more than enough times, and all she had to do was steal the moment and tell him what he needed to hear. But she let it slip, finding all sorts of excuses to back away. He could do it back then after an entire month of no communication, why can’t she? He wasn’t a stranger she needed to choose her words around. He was the only person who cared for her more than Carter or Louis ever did. Or perhaps it was for the reason she couldn’t possibly bear the idea of lying to him again, because she knows she would. How else could she justify such a scene without hurting him by telling the truth? There was no way. He was too good.

She closes the door and proceeded upstairs, locking herself into her bathroom, leaning against the wall. She couldn’t help it anymore; not talking to him. Six months ago she could do it, six months ago she traded seeing him with his girlfriend for sleepless nights, going as far as sleeping in her brother’s room to muffle her sobs with his hugs, but now she can’t do that. She was all alone. Her conscience screamed inside her head, and guilt crawled underneath her skin like needles. She thought she was only imagining it when she saw him open the door earlier, that he won’t actually want to see her and he was mad. But he wasn’t. Just goes to show she was the only one who needed fixing.

Everything that happened between the two of them for the past month; the kisses, the promises, the intimate moments, faded into nothingness as soon as she remembered, and there was nothing more dreadful. Like she was being taken away from the light and shoved back to an abyss. That was the last thing she wanted to do; get him involved. He was innocent, and he shouldn’t suffer any of the consequences heading her way. The only way to do that is to avoid him, but clearly that’s not going to work. Other than the fact she can’t even stay away from him for more than one day, it would be unfair to just all of a sudden disappear from his vicinity without an explanation. Especially not now. She wasn’t quite sure if it was just a figment of her imagination trying to give her more false hopes, but there was something about the way he looked at her, like she was a diamond ring behind a glass case. It was too real to be just in her head.

Could it be real? When she first realized she was falling in love with him, even just the very idea of his presence bought butterflies in her stomach, not to mention the thought of him somehow feeling the same. Even then she was sane enough to know it wasn’t going to happen. Because they were friends, and he was ten years older than her. Other than that, he didn’t look at her in a way he did now; a certain brightness in his eyes whenever she was around, the way his mouth seemed to automatically curl into a smile every time he looked at her, and the affinity of his hands with hers, somehow always finding ways to hold each other. She could think of a million more signs to give way to the possibility he was, but that would just be all assumptions. All she knew is that; he’s changed, and she did too.

Right after showering she changed into a fresh pair of clothes, only then realizing it were the ones he bought for her two weeks ago, a cream coloured skirt and a grey tank top. Quite formal for lounge wear. She wasn’t going anywhere for the rest of the day. Last night she’d hoped she would be able to see Louis and his friends again today at school, perhaps catch up on what they’ve been doing and apologize to Blinche for what happened back at the game, nonetheless, all fingers pointed to being stuck at home, just like last winter. How many times does she have to be reminded of last december?

“Danielle?” Milla knocked on her door, startling her senses. She was standing in front of her mirror again, freshly washed hair dampening the back of her clothes. She reluctantly trudged to her door, revealing her mother in full work attire on the other side; her hair pinned back and her bright brown eyes lined with a little bit of eyeliner. “Your father and I are going to work - What on earth are you wearing again?” She frowned, eyeing her daughter head to toe, kind of like the way she did with Blinche, and Danielle wasn’t quite sure whether to feel offended or scared.