Back To Our Roots, Book One

CXXII. Ah, The Nightmares... Those Suck

Kurt was back in the commons with the others that day, and even Thad was in his usual armchair, reading.

He had just walked downstairs with Thad and sat next to Blaine like nothing had happened. He was working up his nerve to say something when his phone buzzed.

Confused, he checked it.

Finn
Guess who just freaking took my spot as quarterback??

He laughed, sending back a message.

"What's going on?" Blaine asked curiously.

Kurt chuckled again. "Puck took Finn's spot as quarterback and he's pissed."

"Oh! I completely forgot, I ran into Puck at that Valentine's day party," Nick said. "He said to tell you hi."

It was almost unnoticeable, but he could see Kurt pale. "Yeah, um, you told me about that. I thought you forgot."

"Wait, wasn't that the night I got beat up by that kid from Kurt's old school?" Jeff asked.

"Yeah, that was Azimio," Kurt answered. "He dated the kid Karofsky who was the main guy who harassed me until he killed himself. Azimio blames me, even though it wasn't me."

Nick could tell Kurt was trying to change the subject and something clicked in his mind. "He doesn't know, does he?"

He didn't mean to ask it quite so bluntly, but it attracted all the attention to him.

"Who doesn't know?" Blaine asked.

Kurt looked down, seeming trapped.

Blaine paused. "I take that as it's me that doesn't know. What don't I know?"

Nick bit his lip. He knew it wasn't his place to tell him, but Blaine needed to know.

He looked at Kurt seriously. "Tell me that you're going to tell him, or I will. He deserves to know." Especially since Puck got an 'odd vibe' from him, he added silently.

"It's not important," Kurt said.

Nick didn't respond, looking at him expectantly.

"I don't..." Kurt took a deep breath, looking Nick in the eyes. Then he said it all in one breath, something even Rachel or Jeff couldn't even do. "Nick's-right-and-I-should-tell-you-but-I-don't-want-to-because-you'll-want-to-know-about-him-and-I-want-to-leave-him-in-my-past-but-I'm-going-to-tell-you-anyway-because-you-deserve-to-know-and-I-had-a-boyfriend-before-you."

Blaine blinked, taking a minute to process the information. "Wait... Why didn't you tell me that before?"

"You'd want to know about him and I just want to leave him in my past," Kurt said, leaning against him. "It was so long ago, it hardly effects me anymore."

"Hardly?" Blaine repeated worriedly. "How does it effect you?"

Kurt looked at Nick helplessly, but he didn't know what to say.

"I just... I'll explain it all later," Kurt sighed, resting his head on Blaine shoulder. "But... Thank you, Nick."

Nick shrugged. "You know me, always being ridiculously nosy."

"Speaking of being nosy," Thad's soft voice spoke up, immediately attracting their attention, "how come you didn't sleep last night?"

He chuckled nervously. "Um, what?"

"You were purposely keeping yourself awake."

Jeff looked over at him worriedly, but Wes and Sebastian shared a knowing look.

"Nightmares," Sebastian said, Wes nodding as he turned to Nick. "You don't want to deal with the nightmares, do you?"

Nick nodded, answering quietly. "That's part of it."

"Unless you plan to die from sleep deprivation, you're going to to deal with the nightmares," Wes said. "You have to fall asleep at one point."

"And it's not the nightmares that are the bad part," Sebastian added, looking over at Matt lovingly. "It's when you wake up from them alone. But you won't. You're stuck with all eight of us every day of your life."

"Wait," Jeff said, confused, "if you don't want to sleep, why'd you say you were tired yesterday and turn in early?"

He looked down embarrassedly. "That's the other thing. I don't want to sleep because I'm afraid I'll wake up and you'll be gone. I'm terrified, I'm terrified you're going to leave me. I mean, what happens if you leave and get hurt, like at the party? What if I just don't know and you're out somewhere, needing me? What if you just leave and never come back, when I could have prevented it, I could have–"

"Nick, Nick, hey, it's okay," Jeff cooed, hugging the boy. Nick had begun to cry without even realizing it.

He cried into Jeff's shoulder, shaking. "I– I'm so scared, I don't want to lose you, I– I just–"

"Hey, hey, you're not going to lose me, alright?" Jeff murmured, hugging him tighter. "Do you think your anxiety was set off by the whole thing with your parents? Because I remember the morning after you had a panic attack when you woke up and I wasn't there. I mean, being worried when I go out of town is one thing, but having a panic attack when I leave the room is another."

Nick let out what sounded like a half-laugh, half-sob. "Maybe. I should probably do something about it."

Jeff kissed him on the forehead. "We should probably do something about it, you mean. We're a team, Nick, and I'm not leaving you anytime soon."