Ana's POV
I woke up early, Matt didn't come home at all, but of course I figured he wouldn't and after only having a couple of hours of sleep I felt worse than yesterday.
I got in the shower, hoping it would make me feel better. I stood in there thinking instead.
I wished I had someone to talk to. My family, well things still weren't right there, I never saw Stacey, Josh was away and Dad, well, I hated seeing him just getting on with his life so easily. I thought about Lilah, but the thought of even seeing her, happily pregnant made me feel sick, why could she have her baby but I couldn't have mine? I know it wasn't her fault, but I just couldn't bring myself to see her.
I went downstairs and made something to eat, I sat there, making myself eat, wondering where Matt was. I didn't blame him for not coming home, if I could get away from me I would.
I needed to get out of this house and I knew exactly where I needed to and wanted to go.
I got myself organised and headed off. I stopped on the way to get some flowers and when I got there, I got out of the car and took a deep breath. I needed to do this, I needed to talk to her.
I walked over and stood there. "Hey mom." I placed the flowers on her headstone. Someone else had been here recently, there was already flowers here.
I hadn't been here since her funeral, I just couldn't, but now, now I needed her more than anything.
I sat down next to her, it was so quiet. I felt tears on my face, but I didn't wipe them away.
"Mom, what a mess, I don't even know what to do."
I sat there in the silence, not another person in sight.
"Nothing is right, I can't do anything right. I wish you were here, to tell me what to do. I haven't seen Matt since yesterday, but I don't blame him, who would want to be around me." I started sobbing, I tried not to "I've let him down mom, he must hate me, I couldn't even do this right and honestly I don't think he'll come back."
I sat there for hours, talking, crying and thinking about everything I'd lost, including Matt, but it was my fault, I had nobody else to blame.
I finally went home and it was late afternoon. Matt wasn't home, but he'd obviously been home long enough to shower and change. I walked around the house, I didn't know what to do with myself, eventually I got a pillow and a blanket, turned on the television and layed on the lounge.
An hour or so later I heard Matt pull up in the driveway, I closed my eye's, pretending to be asleep, I still couldn't look at him, I didn't want to see the hate that I knew I would see on his face.
I heard the door open and he put his keys down, he went straight upstairs and I heard the bedroom door shut.
That was it, the shutting of the door, he was shutting me out, not only out of the bedroom but out of his life.
I layed there and cried until I finally fell asleep.
