Too much love will kill you

Chapter 9

"I've been really stupid ,you know," said Ethan. "Its a long story. I don't know if i want to bore you with all of it. It's not something I've spoken about before." Ethan thought of saying the words he'd denied for so long . The words he'd tried so hard not to believe.The words that had remained imprisoned with him ever since he found out. And then he thought...why not?

He wasn't going to get another opportunity like this. If he became angry or upset, it wouldn't matter . Alicia probably wouldn't remember any of it. He could back away as though the words had never been spoken.

"i found out about six months ago that i was adopted " said Ethan. "So was Cal. It came as a complete shock.That part of the story i won't tell for now . We found by accident, as a result of something else but thats really Cal's Story to tell. But our biological mother had Huntington's.We knew that there was good chance one of us would have inherited the gene. We had the tests done. That's quite a long story too, but we got the results and opened them on the beach with our biological mum. Cal opened his and said he didn't have the gene. I opened mine and said i didn't have it either. Mum died a few minutes later, so happy she hadn't passed so much pain and suffering onto one of her sons.

Ethan looked at Alicia. She remained still and pale. But for some reason, nothing could have encouraged Ethan more.

"But i was lying," said Ethan. "I did have the gene, and once mum was gone, i handed my letter to Cal.He was distraught. I completely went to pieces. All i wanted was to be Cal: the son who hadn't got the gene."He sighed sadly. "So thats what i decided to do. I decided to be like Cal. I've been doing it for months and it wasn't that bad at all actually.I do enjoy the occasional drunken night out besides from the hangover. And i really love salsa dancing, i'm not that bad at it really,and even though I've been told i should never wear it in public again, i must admit i rather like my hat."
He did wear it sometimes. Practicing salsa alone in his room. Often drunk . Because that made it easier.
"I thought it was a good thing," said Ethan. " I thought the fact I was going out and doing things I'd never done meant I'd turned a negative into a positive. I thought I was going out there and facing my diagnosis and not giving in. But i wasn't i was running away, as surely as Cal ever did."Hurriedly  he added "um not that Cal runs away nearly as much as he used to do.He's been great these past few months whilst you've been critically ill.But i was running away and i do love dancing. But those jeans were a mistake . i'm glad i ruined them by bleeding all over them and they can't lie in my chest of drawers reproaching me for the next ten years because i never wore them again.i love  being close to my colleagues and i secretly love my hat."

He felt a tremor of fear.

"But who knows where i'll be in ten years time? Who knows who i'll be? Will i be able to put a pair of jeans on myself even if i want to ?That's the thing babe, I don't know how much time i have left or how much time i might have left with you if you ever wake up and if you do how much use will i be to you if i don't have much time left what if we ever have kids will they have to grow up without a father in  their lives and when they ask where's dad? and you tell them are they going to feel like I've been disloyal to you and that i didn't love you or them because i left them."

He stopped for a moment , trying to control his breathing.

"My basic idea was right . I do need to throw myself into life. Savour new experiences. Try somethings i was always too scared to try before. But i mustn't forget who i am . i'm a boring little geek and there's nothing wrong with that. The question i need to be asking myself- the question i should of asked myself a long time ago-is this. What would i regret most when  i'm sitting in my wheelchair unable to do anything for myself?the fact that i never learned any other dances because i was too busy striving to become a consultant? Or the fact that i never became a consultant because i was too busy getting drunk and learning to dance?"