iris

[23] hindsight

Jungkook wasn't afraid to admit he'd rather be in hell than have to sit where he was any longer. He was being blatantly ignored by his brother's friends, all sat around the table he had invited to, most likely out of pity. Every time he'd try to speak, his voice would be drowned out by another. It was grating on his nerves as he chewed on the inside of his cheek and picked at a scab on his knee. He shot death glares at his brother who was sitting on the far side of the table.

"I exist you know," he spoke up, but his voice was so quiet not even Yoongi sitting right next to him turned his head. They were all so engaged in some anecdote Yoongi had decided to tell, and apparently that was the most interesting information in the world. Jungkook looked down at his untouched food, wishing taehyung was there to drag him away so they could talk about anything. He didn't care what it was, he just wanted someone to care about him. Someone who wouldn't treat him like a fragile child, that's what everyone was doing.

Jungkook could leave. Simply stand up and leave the cafeteria. But he was scared. Scared that someone would corner him again. "Hoseok." he called ever so quietly, staring with a fixated eye at his brother. No reply. "Hoseok," he continued more insistently. "Hoseok!" He finally shouted. That caught everyone's attention, as the four turned to stare at him. "Jesus, I could've been dying for all you know," he muttered irritably, shoving his tray of untouched food away from him.

Everyone remained still, waiting for him to speak. He bowed his head mumbling a soft sentence that no one seemed to catch. He cleared his throat, uttering it louder as he ground his teeth together in apprehension. "Can you ... walk with me?" Hoseok smiled, nodding as he excused himself from the table.

"Sure, where do you want to go?" He gave a scarce glance at his friends before wrapped an arm around his brother and steering them towards the corridor. The protective grip had Jungkook's feet scuffling along the ground to try and keep up with his brother's fast pace.

"I can walk myself you know. I'm not a baby. It's only a problem when the person following me picks me up and throws me at a wall." Hoseok stared with frigthened eyes, only hearing this information for the first time.

"He what?!"

Jungkook sighed, wishing he hadn't spoke out.

"Nevermind..." Hoseok followed along behind as the smaller began speeding up, having to jog to keep up with his quick paced strides. They walked for five minutes in silence. Jungkook once in awhile mumbling incoherently, though Hoseok didn't push whatever he spoke, as it was none of his business.

"Wait... you're..." Hoseok slowed himself to a stop, as he realised the only other place Jungkook could be headed as of their location was the piano room. "You're going to play the piano?"

Jungkook despised the piano. The hatred was a psychical disturbance caused by heavy memories, as he used to love it. Memories turning that love to hate. But here he was, heading towards the room that contained the schools only grand piano.

"You can go now. I just need some time to think. Can you ..." Jungkook grimaced, his hand on the almost broken handle as he chewed his lip. "Can you meet me back here in half an hour? I know i'm being a pest .... It's just -"

"Kookie, it's fine. I'll be here, don't worry." He gave an extremely grateful smile before slipping through the meagre gap he'd created. Hoseok heard a soft click, signalling the door being shut, leaving him to watch his brother's shadow disappear into the spacious room.

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Jungkook had expectations. He had expectations that would lead to his downfall, lead to his sadness, his hopelessness.

He had the expectancy of someone to comfort him, of someone to understand him. But that was a far more demanding request than anything physically possible.

"My father will kill me," Jungkook muttered softly to himself, taking a seat at the black glistening piano. The sleek surface captured his stare for a moment, before lifting the lid and removing the velvety cloth. He stared down at the black and white keys, inhaling when he stared at the white, exhaling when he glanced at the black. It calmed him, it gave him a sense of control over his own body.

"My father will kill me?" He let his finger hover over the far left key, pressing lightly on it. The dull yet harsh thud of what people defined as musical noise ringing throughout the room as he enveloped himself in the sound.

He moved to the next key, skipping the black, once again adding pressure as he listened to the low sound - a few frequencies higher.

"There's nothing stunning about being cursed..."fingers hovered over the key, pausing before smashing his finger down. The sound made much more demanding.

"Isn't there? why not?" He was talking to himself, fretting over himself and his now admiration, Taehyung.

"Can you stop?" Jungkook chuckled to himself. playing a little array of low notes. "No."

"You think I'm pretty?" He heightened the frequency by moving his fingers further to the right, edging to the middle of the instrument. "In every possible way."

He groaned out losing focus as he brought a clenched fist down brutally onto the discoloured keys.

"Did I ever say you could invade my personal life?" He failed to notice clear and familiar tears building up in the brims of his eyes, getting held back by his lashes, though each slow flutter of his eyes just threatened them all to fall. "No, but I wish you had... Did I do something? did your father do something? Did I go too far?"

It was pure unfiltered self-pity. But Jungkook was far from bothered by his own pity. It brought comfort to the disconnected feeling that had taken hold in his body. Like the limbs that played these chords were not his own, but some distant person with a voice and a purpose. Jungkook's reason for crying and screaming to a piano brought that voice back to his own. It meant everything to him, these answers to his questions he was too afraid to ask.

Music brought fear to him.

It brought answers.

"Was it the expectation to protect me that was too much? The safety I expected? Was it too much for you to handle through everything else that had happened in your own life?"

Jungkook turned, staring fixedly at the shadowed corner where the misplaced drum equipment lay. He hoped to see the boy who brightened his life a little, who'd made him feel more than a simple student, who he could admire, idolise. But most importantly who he could talk to.

There was no one there.

"Hello" he croaked out, licking at the tears that seeped into his mouth after running over his tinted lips. "Did you want to play? I can leave if you like." Without even thinking, he stood up and slammed his foot into the stool that once held him up, kicking it across the room. It created a loud reverb of sonorous and resonant noise, Jungkook scrambling to cover his ears as he stared with broken eyes at the broken mess he'd made.

"I can't leave Taehyung... I can't leave you. I've fallen for you."

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