Facing our demons

Chapter 23- panic attacks

'I can't control myself, don't know who I've been
And who is this monster wearing my skin?
A movie in black and white. When will it end?
'Cause every time I scream no one hears me

It feels like I'm paralyzed,
and I can't
escape from the prison I'm
living in.
I'm naming the voices in my head
They keep on telling me to give in
But it's making me stronger
Fight a little longer
I'm gonna bring me back to life
And I won't be Paralysed'

I felt empty. My brain had slowed down to the point where things weren't processing properly, my vision was blurred and it felt like water was rushing into my lungs making it extremely hard for me to breathe. My throat was dry and sore, my limbs felt like bricks and my head was filled with an annoying pounding that repeated itself in a constant pattern. The thing that worried me was that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't move any part of me, I was completely immobile which meant that if the monster beside me decided to try anything he would probably succeed.

My impaired vision caused his face to become blurry and disfigured allowing him to look like the beast he was, I didn't even care if he was my mate I refused to willingly have anything to do with him. He was currently sitting in the drivers side swerving from one lane to the other at an incredibly high speed, I wouldn't be surprised if we went flying off the road and to be quite honest I wouldn't care. He had no idea about the struggle I was currently going through, it was a challenge to try and keep my breathing even as panic attack after panic attack tried to overwhelm me and force me into submission.

My heart felt like it was being stepped on as the water that was previously filling my lungs rushed out to try and drown me from the inside. My thoughts began to blur together and naming a simple object became difficult, my old pack flashed in front of my eyes and I felt myself relax a bit, I continued to dig up old memories of my cousins and I acting like complete idiots. At one point I think a laugh slipped out of my tightly clamped lips, it sounded Like a noise that would come from an inmate at a mental hospital, broken and insane. Old memories continued to run through my foggy brain and tears began to form before they were finally released allowing them to run down my cheeks in multiple cascades of salty water.

The loud buzzing that sat at the back of my mind stopped and I soon realised that it was the engine being cut as the movement under me also came to a halt. The monster exited the car before coming over to my side and lifting me over his shoulder roughly. I still couldn't move and my vision was even hazier then before, greens, Browns, blues and reds mashed together in one big splash of colour that moved around my vision the more the body that was below me moved. I'm not stupid, I know that what I am going through is a combination of a panic attack and complete shock. I also know that if I don't play my cards right with this creature, I might end up in deep shit.

I had come to the assumption that Andy must have some remnants of demon somewhere in his family tree, which explained the eyes and the impulsive burst of violence, the problem is that the lineage he came from was completely pure. His entire family is and always has been werewolves, hence why they were so respected before Andy took over. The day that Andrew Biersack announced his leadership over the small pack was a strange one indeed, it seemed that the rest of his family apart from his brothers had completely vanished and of course this allowed rumours to spread quickly about the possibility of them being murdered. All of the evidence pointed to the young alpha, soldiers were sent to bring him in for questioning but in a fit of rage he killed them all in under a minute, causing the rumours to have much stronger evidence. Well this is just the story my pack told me, there are many like it but none of them are exactly the same, some are exaggerated and some make it sound like killing your entire family is a perfectly normal, everyday occurrence.

I felt myself being thrown lightly before soft plush fabric met my back, I fisted the soft fabric of what I'm assuming is a couch, trying to comfort myself and ease my racing thoughts. I took deep breaths and imagined my happy place, after a while my vision started to clear and the ringing in my ears slowly started to dissipate. The first thing I realised was that we weren't in Andy's house, this building was more of an oversized cabin. The walls were made from dark oak logs that had been stacked atop one another and the flooring and roof was made from planks of the same wood. Soft rugs and carpets laid sprawled across the floor in each room adding a small sense of warmth and comfort which at this point I desperately needed.

I looked to my right and immediately jumped back startled, his deep blue eyes were set upon my face and he was but a few centimetres from my weary figure. "Alaska," his voice was a few octaves lower than usual and it sent chills up my spine, whether it was from pleasure or fear I have no idea. His eyes never once blinked nor left my face, he lifted his hand and brought it near my face in a gentle way. I immediately flinched back and brought my knees up into my chest. I don't care if he was trying to be delicate, I don't want him to touch me now that I have my senses back.

Pain swirled within those dark eyes that seemed to taunt me, despair and darkness were only a couple of emotions I could pick out from a single glance at them. It seemed that no matter how happy he was there would always be that element of misery to his aura. His hand had long since dropped back down to his side and he was once again just staring at the side of my face. Saying I felt uncomfortable would be a massive understatement.

"You're never leaving me Alaska," his voice seemed to make the entire cabin rumble, not because it was loud but because of the sheer amount of emotion and anger that was hidden behind each syllable. "I wasn't planning on it, I mean it's not like I could leave." I said gesturing to the stupid mark that sat prominent against my pale skin. Even if I wanted to leave, as soon as I got about two hours away from him the mark would start burning up and my skin around it would gradually start melting off until either he got within range of me or I died, simple as that.

A small rumble of satisfaction came from his chest as he admired his handy work, a mark was something for an alpha to be incredibly proud of, It showed that the person bearing it belonged to them much like the rest of their pack, and that's one of the things alphas loved most of all; ownership. They loved being in control of a situation, holding the reigns seemed to give them a natural high and they soon became addicted to it, power soon became their drug and they'd do anything to get more. It was clear that Andy wasn't in full control of himself, his wolf and perhaps his demon side had taken over the rational side of his mind. If I was a sane person who thought things through thoroughly I would probably accept that the killing of the boy wasn't his fault since he wasn't in control of himself, but the thing is I'm not sane, I still blame him for everything.

I sat perfectly still not wanting to anger the purring beast that sat perched next to me on the arm of the couch, he was gently running his fingers through my hair over and over again as if he was hypnotised by each strand of red.
"Andy," I had finally gained the courage to ask him the question I've been wanting to ask him for days now.
He hummed in response probably happy that I was actually talking to him. "Why did your eyes turn red? What happened to your family? And why does everyone think you're evil?" I let out the breath I had been holding in and waited for his response. All of his previous motions all of a sudden stopped and the barren cabin was filled with a heavy silence that seemed to be too loud.

I looked over at him to find him no longer looking at me but at something outside the large window across from the black couch we were currently resting on. "Are you sure you want to know?" He sighed running his hand through his messy black hair. He seemed to be gaining control back and it was for the best if I kept him distracted so we could avoid any further altercations. "I'm sure," I replied firmly, crossing my legs and placing my chin in the palm of my hand. I was no where near forgiving him or even looking at him as if he resembled a human being, all I saw when I looked at him was a monster....a very hot monster. Bad Alaska, bad!

"Well-"
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Cliffhanger!
The suspense is killing me and I'm the one writing the story. I wasn't planning on updating this soon but due to some very nice comments I decided what the hell, it couldn't hurt right? Unless one of you really hate early updates and decide to track me down and kill me.....but you know I'm sure that won't happen.....right?
Anyway as always don't forget to vote or leave a comment.
Farewell.
Chapter song: Paralyzed -against the current.