Dalliance |h.s|

Ch.XXXIII {that 'ah-ha' moment}

She was sat at the end of a dock, in the freezing November air, her toes in the water. I step on a stick, crunching it beneath my boot, making her jump but not look back. I move to sit next to her and pull my jumper off and handing it to her. She shakes her head, squinting at the setting sun, deep in thought.

"You alright? It's pretty cold are you sure you don't want my jumper-"

"Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you hadn't made one stupid mistake?" She says, not taking her eyes off the sun that's probably hurting her by now.

"Sometimes yes, but i know i can't do anything to change it now and there's no use worrying about it" I say, hoping that's what she was wanting to hear.

"Marcel you are single handedly the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me," She pauses expecting me to have interrupted her but i nod, letting her finish before i say something I might regret.

"Before you I was going through the motions, letting people think what they wanted about me but then you come along and... I don't want to say it was your fault but rather the fact i lost my virginity before i was ready and that opened this whole new thing for me"

My eyebrows were knit together trying to understand everything at once and only making it harder for me. I feel her finally look at me and i look up at her. Our eyes similar in the way that they're both sad.

"I became the person everyone knew me as" She turns back to the sun before continuing. "I've hurt so many people these last few months and I can't stand the person I am. I want to change for you but... Matty brought up a good point last week..."

"What did she say?" I finally manage to get something out without choking and she still can't look at me, but lets a tear fall silently and not going unnoticed.

"I told her you were too good to be true and she said that you had to be hiding something but she was wrong... Brought up a point but towards the wrong person" She wipes her nose on her sweater and looks at me again.

"It's not you with the secret... It's me. I can't do this anymore, Marcel, and I've been thinking for a while now actually. I'm so sorry. I can't be with you because I'm not good for you, you can tell me everything will be ok and that I'm just being a child and that i need to grow up but that's what scares me. I'm not ready to grow up... I can't imagine living a boring life with a crummy minimum wage job and a husband who's grown bored of me and children that resent me for sending them to bed early. I'm not that person"

I nod, eyebrows still furrowed, crying myself now but quickly wiping away the tears and continuing to look out over the lake.

"I'm not a football mum, I'm not a trophy wife, i'm not the fun aunt, I'm not a waitress, I'm just not ready and I realized if I stayed with you that was the life I'd be looking at... I'm getting nowhere in this world and i'm tired of just existing... I want to live, i want to adventure, climb mountains, go swimming in an undiscovered cavern, kayak rapids, see the sights of the world before i die-"

"We can do those things but it costs money" I remind her. She slumps from her previous enthusiastic form.

"Marcel... I love you too much to stay with you" She turns and puts her hand on my cheek and i let myself search her eyes, desperate for the girl I'd known a few months ago. "I will never stop loving you even if I do end up getting married I could never stop loving you. I love you so incredibly much-"

"If you loved me you wouldn't have broken my heart four times now..." I peeled her hand from my face and stand up to walk back to my car.

"Marcel"

"I love you too"

"Goodbye" I saw her mouth before i started my car and headed back to the campus.

I promise to never stop loving you for as long as i live, Marcel Styles, Goodbye for now.

+++

This was short but I'd just like to remind you of the name of the story ;)

Ciao! Moi ;*