KICK IT | JENLISA

118

Jennie

One look at Lisa pinched my heart. Condemning myself to solitary suffering was my choice, but the last thing I wanted was that I towed her down into my darkness. Growing close to her wasn't in my plan.

"Lisa..." I choked on her name, my head shaking through the tears. "I can't..."

"I hate that fucking word." she interrupted. "It's not weak to need someone, Jennie. What's the worst that'll happen if you tell me? I'll judge you? Or leave? Because I'm pretty thick and heavy when I dig in."

None of what happened was her fault. She couldn't have known what she poked and prodded herself into when we first met.

And yet, she was still poking.

"Especially between the ears." I pushed an exhale out my nose and offered a fleeting smile. "It's not that... I was looking for an out."

She didn't say, 'You wanted out before we were in.' but the words were stamped in between her drawn-together eyebrows. If I needed any bigger proof - literally - of how I avoided moving forward in my life, then it was Lisa's gigantic presence invading my personal space. I avoided her eyes and I circled her cheek to her downturned mouth.

"I realise that now." My gaze dropped under the sympathy swelling behind hers. "By not asking, I avoided the truth instead of confronting it."

Her silent gaze wasn't intimidating, only patient. For a professional athlete, she sure was laid-back and domesticated, more than my parents. All she wanted was... what I couldn't give her. "I'm broken, Lisa." the admission stung, dragging my eyes over the rippling grasses at my feet. Even entangled around the gate posts, their ends fluttered. "And this can't be one of those moments where you promise to put the pieces back together."

"How about giving you some glue?" The lightness in her voice raised my eyes, searching her face for any signs of teasing. She lifted the white, rolled-up paper. "I'm not here to replace anyone, Jennie. Or make you forget about him either."

Him. "It's my fault that Taehyung died." I whispered under the blur of hot tears. "I couldn't see the signs that were right in front of me. I left him, alone, when he needed me. I'm... I'm not a person who deserves a second chance, Lisa. There are so many easier-to-deal-with people out there, who'd lay down at your feet for what you can offer. If you glue something that's been shattered into as many pieces as me, there will always be cracks in it." I whispered.

"So?"

Lisa could take simple words and stab them into me, rendering my brain not believing them and my vocal cords inoperable. The obvious question rose like the hairs pricking my forearms. "The day Taehyung took his life killed a part of me." I gasped between the words, each of which stabbed deeper into the old wound. "All warmth and love were sucked out of me with one look at his body. Cold and empty months followed. I'll never be the same person, Lisa."

A flick of paper tapped the tip of my nose. "Lucky for me, I fell for the current version of you."

"Don't tease." I coughed at the dryness choking my throat.

"You want serious?" Her eyebrows raised, then waited until I nodded. "It's my heart and feelings, so stop making decisions for them. I don't understand it either, but I've given up fighting against them. Fuck yes, you're not an easy person to care about, let alone get to know."

"Thought I was doing you a favour." The problem with asking for the truth was getting it, but Lisa was right.

"Why are you here?"

"Because it's important to you."

Her simple, matter-of-fact response was the last one I had expected. I was torn between flinging myself into her for the kiss my lips craved at first sight to ripping my hair out by the roots. Once the words settled in the back of my mind, I appreciated them more than a declaration of feelings. What she implied, combined with the intensity building in her eyes, did nothing against the pile driver job my heart did against my chest walls.

"What?"

A fine line creased between her eyebrows. "That's why you're here, right?"

Lisa's whole, and gigantic heart pulled me to her. She chased after me. After what I said, how I left her, and what I accused her of being, she still wanted... me. Broken old me. "It was important to me, but not anymore." I expelled a breath into the open air. "It'll probably get turned into a dumb strip mall."

I traced the bottom rim of her eyes arching up. She angled her chin, making the sun's highlights dance over her dark hair. They were shorter, another haircut. Studying them distracted me from the warmth of her hand covering mine and her head dipping closer.

"I might have another motive." Her eyes were half-closed but shifted between mine. "I know you have your reasons for not trusting words, so I came prepared to act."