KICK IT | JENLISA

111

Jennie

I knew by the tugs at my heart that what I shared with Lisa wasn't a rash mistake, but a physical stimulus. But I hadn't felt this unhinged, disconnected sensation since I lost Taehyung. My body battled against itself. If asked twenty-four hours ago, I was scared shitless at the idea my heart still possessed the ability to have feelings for someone else. As new, fluttery feelings rushed through me, a weighted 'not Taehyung' sensation dimmed the excitement.

Now that we... doesn't matter. Lisa's proved what kind of person she truly was.

The rent-free space she occupied in my mind bothered me. I shouldn't have thought about her, like the security of her arms tearing down my walls and making me want her to rebuild them. It wasn't her responsibility to fix my broken pieces of existence. Fuck, I couldn't even fix them myself.

The fact I wanted her to? That scared me back to my bed's comfort. Digging deeper through my bullshit, I wasn't upset at Lisa. Fuck, I should thank her for the awakening moments, the gut-check reminder that I wasn't supposed to fall for anyone else.

Because yes, the kick in my heart, with a Lisa-sized steel-toed boot, was that I had feelings for her. That was the only explanation I had for the crippling pain that split my heart in half. It gushed shamelessly during the drive home and, like a pulled-out stitch, the pain returned whenever I thought about her.

A normal person would've brushed these feelings away. But I couldn't find their off-switch. I was better off numb and going through the motions.

The rest of my body knocked on my skull to ask my brain when we could do that again. Warmth flushed into my cheeks whenever I recalled her weight pressing down on me. My clit throbbed itself to the front of a Lisa Manoban customer service line, while my left and right breasts shoved over who got her hand and the other her mouth.

I was to blame, not Lisa for verifying who I knew she was. Weakened into a pliant, and vulnerable state, I no longer recognised myself. The needy moans out my lips, the throbs of beats in my ears, and becoming unhinged were an out-of-body experience, but I craved the hit of silence in my brain as much as the physical euphoria.

The relief from Lisa being the only person occupying my mind crashed me into a pit of guilt. Because, if I only thought about Lisa, then it means Taehyung is no longer in my mind.

There's no comparison, no measuring stick for pain. Shit just hurts.

Which was why I was better off alone.