inferno // l.s.

thirty eight

hi! this chapter will be a bit...darker than usual. there will be a brief set of oncoming chapters that tackle more of louis' mental state that will lead into future things! it will be mentioned how long he has KNOWN harry — but that doesn't mean that's how long they have been together. they met in may, he moved to california in june/july, and they were very flirty & interested up until october when louis grew balls bigger than himself and asked his flame out. they have been an official thing for going on 4 months now. (: hope that clears any potential confusion.

there is a time skip (about two weeks, so mid february) and heavy dialogue. please remember that louis comes from a very bad background so this chapter will be heavy on talk of abuse, mental illness, and addiction.

—-

a heavy weight still sits over him and he's not sure if it's guilt, regret, or relief.

he's struggled to sleep the last two weeks, tossing and turning, burying his face under pillows and clenching his eyes shut just hoping that the visions now embedded in his nightmares go away. he just wants this to go away.

he's went so long without telling anybody but sometimes he can still see the blood on his hands. sometimes he can still hear luke screaming in pain and sometimes he can just hear the cracking of bones and teeth and whatever else got damaged in the midst of louis caving his face in. it happens randomly, but a lot of times it happens when he's alone or sleeping, which is why he's tried his best to be around somebody.

they come and go. the smallest things trigger them. zayn closed a kitchen cabinet harder than intended the other morning and it made louis freeze up.

he feels inhumane. he feels like a monster.

how can someone live with themself after doing something like that? how could luke sit there and plan things out one by one then suddenly attack at the last minute? why does he hate the way this makes him feel?

why do these things always creep in at the last minute?

he smacks his head against the headboard. "stop it," he whispers. "stop it. stop it. stop it."

he just wanted to sleep.

nothing has worked. counting sheep turned into counting slams. ten. he can remember ten loud bangs that repeat over and over. trying to imagine a happy place only became a vision of a bloody locker room.

he's worn the smell of harry out of harry's hoodie. it's now just a black article of depression clothing. cosmo has been tucked under his arm this whole time in hopes it would bring some sort of comfort, since harry gifted him that rabbit when he was in the hospital and it kept him cozy during his recovery. shark 2.0 is probably on the floor somewhere, or bundled up in his comforter. he doesn't desire to look for it, nor does he want to leave this house at all.

that's a lie.

he wants to run away. he wants to pack his shit, withdraw all of the money off of his debit card and just disappear without a word. he doesn't want to be here. he doesn't want to be anywhere in particular...just not here.

maybe he could go back to england and start over. act like nothing ever happened. inferno? what's that? who are these people he should remember?

who even is he now? a sinner, a saint, or something in between?

he started therapy on a light note, but then it went downhill in his head.

he lights a cigarette, feeling his mouth dry out even more, and wonders what really would have happened if zayn hadn't have came into the locker room that night. would luke have killed him? would someone else have barged in and saved the day, or would they have turned away without looking back?