His Little Lamb || bxb

11.0

TW: mentions of suicide

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| Milan |

Of course I just had a panic attack in front of Valencio and over the stupidest thing. I was so embarrassed now as we sat on the porch steps. Valencio had been amazing and helped me figure out how to breathe again and brought me outside for fresh air as well, but I was finding it hard to look at him. I don't know why a knife block of all things had made me feel like my throat was closing up, but I saw it on the kitchen island as I had watched Val go to get me a drink. It looked like the one we used to have in our family home, the same one that held the knife León used to kill his abuser. Seeing that thing there just now made me think of that night and it was like I was a kid again watching my brother be hurt while I did nothing about it.

"Are you feeling okay now?" Valencio asked looking concerned.

"Yeah..." I said not wanting to elaborate. I knew he was waiting for me to tell him what happened but I didn't want to. I didn't want him to laugh at me for panicking at the sight of a knife block and I didn't want him asking me why either.

"Do you wanna-"

"Can I have a moment alone?" I asked interrupting whatever he was about to say. "I... I mean I don't wanna be rude but I just wanted to call my friend. Talking to her will help me feel better so..."

"Yeah. Okay. Just let me know when you're done." I nodded and he got up and left to go back inside. I saw him go up to Minnow, who he had left on a chair by the dining table when he brought me outside, and he probably took her into another room somewhere.

"Hey what's up? Aren't you meant to be at your man's place right now?" Eden asked as soon as I called her. We weren't the type of people that bothered with greetings a lot of the time and just got straight into whatever we wanted to say.

"Yeah, I'm here. It's amazing. His house is like this mansion and omg Eeds he has a little bird, a parrot, who talks n everything. Her name's Minnow."

"That is so fucking cool. Now I want a parrot what the fuck. Why you calling me and not tryna steal the bird?"

"Well Minnow isn't a huge fan of me at the moment. She got jealous when I kissed Val-"

"YOU KISSED VAL?! MILA, JAKOB, THEY KISSED YOU TWO OWE ME TEN BUCKS!"

"I can't believe you bet on me."

"Whatever, I won so thanks dude. So then why are you calling me instead of making out with your man some more."

"Well trust me, this wasn't the plan. I... I kind of had a panic attack or a flashback or something. I saw something and it brought me back to...to that night, the night I saw León and then I couldn't breathe anymore."

Eden knew all about my brother, she was the only one out of my friends who really did. Elias and Diya knew I had a twin and that he had a lot of mental health problems which later led him to take our father's car, when he didn't even have a license, and then crash it into a river on purpose. Eden was my only friend during that time. She was two years my elder and I had met her at work where the two of us used to work behind the counter in a little cafe shop. She used to sit with me some days in the hospital where I would wait beside León as he slept soundlessly in his coma. She was also the person I turned to when the doctors told us a couple months later that my brother had officially passed away during the night.

I remember thinking, when I found out that he was officially gone, that I was glad. Glad he couldn't be in anymore pain, that he wouldn't have to keep reliving his awful memories, that he wouldn't have to look at our father's eyes and see the same eyes as our Uncle Phillip. I could never look at my father the same myself. I knew he was not to blame and that he was hurting at the loss of his son just as much as the rest of my family and I was, but every time I saw my father, I could only see Uncle Phillip. So, when Eden a few months later told me that she was moving to London and getting a place with some of her mates, I practically begged her on my knees to let me come with her.

It was a shitty little apartment with barely enough room for all of us, but it was decent considering London prices. The bedrooms were basically small boxes of space which Eden and her two friends at the time had taken. I was quite happy sleeping on the sofa feeling grateful that I was even able to get away from my old life even if in my old life I had an actual room to myself.

"And now you're embarrassed?" Eden asked me.

"I don't know what to say to him."

"Just be as honest as you can be but let him know that you're not ready to talk about it all right now. Tell him you just wanna make out with him some more and that you'll tell him the details another time when you're more comfortable."

"What if he gets mad that I didn't tell him now?"

"Then he's not the one for you Milan and you would deserve a lot better, even if he does have a shit load of money."

"Yeah. Yeah, I would. Thanks, Eed. I'll talk to you later?"

"Yeah but go spend some more time with your mans now."

"Okay," I chuckled and then hung up.

I didn't let Valencio know that I was ready for him to come back just yet. Instead, I watched the wind flow through the air and weave between a wind chime that was hanging outside. It made these sweet angelic sounds and I let myself get lost in the moment for a bit, allowing my body and my mind to relax as I took some more deep breaths.

Next to me, a part of the house stretched further outwards well past where I was sitting and through the floor to ceiling windows, I could see that it was another pool but an indoor one. Valencio hadn't shown me everything on the little tour he took me on earlier and I wondered what else I hadn't seen of the house yet. There was a hot tub at the end of the pool, and I knew I wanted to get in it. Maybe I could make it up to Val for being so weird earlier by doing that.

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Now we know how León died :(

Poor baby, he was just hurting too much but remember ending things is not your only option and things can always get better!

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