Perfectly Ruined by:jdollar *a D'Amore story*

Chapter 35

'¡¿?¡'¡¿?¡'¡¿?¡' I know you love her but it's over, mate- dean lewis'¡¿?¡'¡¿?¡'¡¿?¡'
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Pauly
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"Thanks for the cash," the man smiles from across the poker table. "And the watch."

I don't even blink an eye as the man takes off with my Rolex and five hundred dollars. I could really care less, to be honest. Loosing money, watches, none of it bothers me. Not the way it does knowing what I've really lost. There will never be another girl like Caroline, I already know that. What makes it so much worse, I did it to myself.
She will be better off without me. Or at least, that's what I tell myself. One day, she'll see that too. She'll be able to get over all the hurt I brought her. Hell, sooner or later, she'll even find some lucky fucker to fall in love with. But me...that would be it for me. What I could have had with her, nothing would ever compare. There won't ever be another like her. When she said she loved me, a part of me had wanted to burst with happiness but there's always that other part, reminding me that I'll never be what she needs. Fuck knows, I wanna be. But wanting and being are two different things.
I wanna be the guy for her. The kinda man she deserves. But there's too much of my past, that will always come back to remind me, that I will never be good enough for her. Caroline Barlow will be someone great one day. She already is. But eventually, she'll be either the Presidents wife or the President itself. That girl wants to change the world and who I am to stop her. Her dreams of making a difference in this shit world are what drew me to her. That girl will do something great. She'd started with me and she did change me. Maybe not the way she wanted but she had nonetheless. I see things in a different light now.
With everything that happened, I normally, would have hit the road again, but because of her I can see why I can't do that now. Marco needs me to be here. To protect him from Samuel and our mothers plans for him. It's because of her that I haven't told my father yet that I know what he's up too. Timing means that John and I will be able to bring him down when he least expects it. She taught me patience. Taking her sweet time, she'd chipped away at my heart.
She taught me to fight for what was right, even if the situation seems scary. I'll never forget the way she walked into that bar that night. Knowing that things could be dangerous but trusting me enough to keep her safe. She'd fought for what she thought was right.
Then even when, it was made clear that I fucked up by putting her in that position, she'd never once blamed me. In fact, she had tried to defend me. Even against Lex, she wouldn't back down from what she thought was right. Despite my part in asking her to do the job, she took full credit for having agreed to it.
Caroline Barlow isn't weak. She's a fucking warrior. A beautiful....No, fuck that! Beautiful is too simple a word for her. She's more than that. And for the shortest of time, she'd been mine. Completely willing to give herself to me. She'd opened herself up to me. Trusting that....I wouldn't hurt her.
And that's exactly what I've done.
I betrayed the trust she'd given me. For that, I'm a fucking low life. I'll never be able to be with her like that again. Even if I did, crawl on my knees and beg her to forgive me, a part of her will always afraid that I'll do it again. She'll never trust me with her heart again and I can't blame her.
I took out my own frustrations on her. My anger, my fear, my self-deprecation, all firing towards her. Then I had to stoop even lower, by rejecting her declaration of love. Which only makes me hate myself more. I doubt she'd ever said that to someone else. It took a hell of a lot of courage to admit that feeling while being laughed at.
No. She'll never forgive me. And even if she did, she'll not be the same.
The innocent girl I knew before is gone. Because of me. I took that innocence from her. I broke her down. I took her virginity. I said all those nasty things to her. The girl she is now, is all because of me. The guilt of it all is almost more than I can bare.

"Hey, buddy?"

I glance up at the card dealer.

"You in or out?" He asks, with his New York accent loud and proud.