Chapter Twenty-six
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You can not solve problems by using the same thinking you used when you created them.
That is how Luke had begun thinking again. He was improving with his mental illness of psychosis but his eating disorder of anorexia was seemingly getting worse and worse.
Whenever Alex asked Luke how he felt about his body, the blonde always says he felt fat. He needed so badly to loose weight.
It was like they were back to square one.
The only positive thing that Alex liked about the blondes unique eating disorder was that he always spoke what he was feeling. He never told Alex that he was okay and was getting better. He would tell the truth.
Luke had been on the medication for three days and there was not likely to be any signs of progress from that, however, every morning to keep him going through the day. Alex would have a session with him.
And at night. Either Sid or Victoria would meet with him to ensure he had eaten throughout the day and had not been majorly mentally attacked by his demons.
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Sitting in his morning session currently. Alex observed Luke. Over the past three days of also having laxatives Luke had non-stop been on the toilet and lost all of his swollen belly. His skin was a little loose though and stretch marks still remained on his hips and lower back. The man had given him some cream to apply though.
It was once again evident at how unhealthily underweight the patient was. And there was the slight problem of the blonde struggling and refusing to eat.
"I am going to make this session short Luke," Alex admitted. "I want you to do me a favour today."
The blonde sighed. Generally, favours involved the blonde doing something he really did not want to do. Like eating.
"Depends on what it is?" Luke argued.
"Today, I want you to have fun. Spend some time with Ashton, Calum and Michael. I feel that since you have been here you have been surrounded by adults so far to sort out your problems. But today I want you to enjoy yourself and spend time with people your own age."
The anorexic smiled at the kind thought. "I will try and have fun." Sometimes his mind took over all happiness he was allowed to have. And thoughts kicked in.
"Thank you," the grey haired man said happily as he opened up Luke's file.
Their past two sessions had been good. Luke had opened up a lot. But he was not making any progress so far. If anything he was going backwards.
"I have five questions and I want you to answer honestly about which one you would prefer to have."
"Okay," Luke nodded. Sat on the edge of his chair with his hands underneath his stick thin legs as he swung them back and forth nervously. Sessions still made him nervous even though he was used to them.
"Pizza or collarbones?" Alex asked.
The question took the blonde by surprise because it was so simple and not closely relevant to himself. "Collarbones," Luke admitted truthfully.
"I prefer pizza," Alex laughed, answering the question himself then continued to ask.
"Cake or that gap in between your thighs?"
"A gap in between my thighs." he said as if there was not already a gap.
"Cake. Chocolate or hipbones?" Alex spoke with no judgement yet.
"Hipbones."
"Chocolate ice cream or a lovely flat stomach?"
"A lovely flat stomach," Luke smiled imaging himself with one.
"Ice cream one hundred percent. When it's outing day maybe I will take you to get a nice ice cream from one of the best ice cream shops around. It's just round the corner from here," the therapist suggested enthusiastically before adding. "They do low-fat ice cream as well."
"No thank you," Luke shook his head in disagreement. He did not want to consume anything bad for him.
"Well the offer is there for when the time comes," Alex said although was a little down hearted that the blonde turned down the offer. He understood though seeming he was struggling with his food intake currently.
"Last question. Would you rather be a healthy weight or an unhealthy weight."
"A healthy weight," Luke admitted.
"We finally agree on something," Alex laughed. "How come you would rather be a healthy weight?"
"I do not want to be fat," the anorexic stated bluntly.
"But what about being underweight. That still means you're an unhealthy weight."
"There are too many complications," he admitted. "You could come close to dying. Your hair starts to fall out. It's horrible."
"But you're underweight. Do you want to gain weight to become healthy then?" the grey man asked confused.
"I want to be skinny."
"You are incredibly skinny Luke. Too skinny in fact hence why you are classed as underweight."
"I still don't see that," the blonde said annoyed.
"You will one day," Alex promised.
"You always say that," he scoffed. Sitting back in his chair with a slouch. His arms crossed over his slim torso. His top sitting upon his visible bones and a thin layer of skin.
"Give it one month for your medication to start to work and I promise you that you will start to see your body like we do. You may not want to eat like you did before but you will want to try and get better."
"How do you know I will?" Luke questioned in annoyance. He wanted to get better now. He wanted to go home and have a normal life again. But he simply found it too hard to put a small item of food in his mouth in the fear of getting fat.
"Because you will be scared of what you see. You'll take one look in the mirror and jump back in fear at the stranger looking back at you."
The blonde thought about it then asked. "Am I that scary?" A lot of people here avoided him and also looked at him with a sense of fear. Even Ashton did sometimes.
"In two senses, you can be Luke. For starters, like we all say that you'll very thin, therefore, its usual for people to look at you. I will admit, you do look, Skelton, like so it sometimes scares me. But I think what scares people most is that you could die with the snap of a finger because of your heart rate."
Luke sighed biting his lip. These conversations always made him want to eat as much as he could, just make others happy. But currently, he really did not want to eat.
"I hate it when people ask me to eat something."
"Then don't get to the point where people have to do that. Allow yourself to eat," Alex told him.
Sighing Luke stood up, he was agitated and needed to move around. There was a lot on his mind. A lot he wanted to speak about but some of it was better left unsaid.
"I wonder what it's like to wake up and love yourself. To look in the mirror and not want to cry. To weigh yourself, see the number, and not want to puke. To be with other people and to not feel ugly. To go to a public place and not be insecure. To go shopping for clothes and not feel fat. I just wonder, what it is like to love your life," Luke ranted on. He wanted to be happy.
His breaths were heavy and his heart was pounding fast in his chest. He wanted to cry in his mother's arms but she wasn't here so he had to be strong.
"Luke," Alex sighed standing up to go over to the boy. He could tell that he was upset by his trembling body.
Turning round, the grey haired man noticed the boys watery eyes. "Is it normal to hate yourself this much?" he asked sadly.
The first tear fell down his sunken in cheek.
"Oh Luke," Alex sighed, a pang of sadness hit him.
He simply could not understand how such an innocent, nice, young boy could suffer like this.
Biting his lip and looking down sobbing Luke didn't know what to do.
Alex, on the other hand, took a step towards the blonde and engulfed him in a huge hug.
Flinching in surprise, Luke moved his arms so they were wrapped around Alex's body.
Whilst the blondes frail body shakes, Alex, rubbed his back for reassurance. A sense of deja vu hit the man. The event reminded him of something which happened many years ago. Just not as bad.
"No Luke, it's not usual for you to hate yourself this much. But that is why you are here."
Pulling away, Luke questioned. "Can anorexia be inherited?"
Gulping Alex admitted. "It usually is, yes."
Luke frowned. "Does that mean maybe my mum had anorexia?"
"She did-" the grey haired man confirmed accidental.
"How do you know?" the blonde frowned confused.
"Sorry I was thinking of how to word the sentence," he quickly apologised turning away to go to his desk. "I was going to say she didn't show me any of her medical records, therefore, I wouldn't know but you could call her to find out if she did."
Letting out a deep breath, Alex congratulated himself at the quick excuse. He promised the blondes mother that he would not tell Luke about her disorder, that she would when the time was right.
The only reason she asked him to help her son was that he was the one who got her over the mental illness.
"No, she would tell me if she wanted me to know," Luke shook his head before sitting down. He felt faint due to the lack of food he'd been consuming.
It saddened him of the possibility of his mother not eating and suffering like this.
"Why did you ask?" the therapist wondered curiously.
"Although mum liked to eat just like I did, there were times where she ate very little and dad and sometimes Ben would force her to eat."
Alex nodded biting his lip. "That's girls for you," he laughed. He knew it was a sexist response but did not want Luke suspicious. Not all girls had problems with food. Yet again some boys have problems with food.
"She probably didn't, she would have noticed that I was suffering," Luke shrugged it off taking a sip of water.
"Yeah," Alex nodded sadly. "Probably."
Luke looked at the man. He seemed really down.
"You need to get a girlfriend and have a family," Luke suggested.
"Maybe one day," the man sighed.
"What about that woman you liked, I know she was taken but you could be good friends. It might make you happier," Luke remembered.
Shaking his head in amusement the grey haired man responded. "She's single now but anyway Luke I'm supposed to be making you happy not you making me happy."
"But you deserve to be happy. I have Ashton, that makes me happy because I love him. If it's true love the women would want to be with you."
"I don't think she even likes me like that and if I asked her she'd do it out of pity and as a favour," Alex admitted looking directly into the blondes ocean blue eyes.
"A favour for what?" he asked curiously. Luke guessed that whatever the man was doing must be a huge thing.
"Looking for someone who is special to them but is incredibly broken," was all the man gave away.
"You said that before. Is it someone here?" he queried.
"Unfortunately so."
"Do I know them?"
"Yeah, considerably well."
"Ashton?" Luke asked worried that his boyfriend was suffering more than he thought.
"No."
"Michael?"
"No."
"Calum?" he asked confused because he didn't really no anyone else.
"No."
"I don't have any other friends here though," Luke told him with utter confusion.
"I know."
Alex did not want him to know, but neither did he want to lie to the blonde.
Thinking quietly to himself. Luke thought about how close the therapist was to him. About the hug they just had.
"No!" Luke gasped in shock. "It couldn't be?"
Alex didn't respond though in fear of the blonde guessing. The women herself did not know about the insane amount of love he felt towards her.
With hesitance, Luke asked.
"Is it me?"
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