Fade in to Church and Caboose on top of Blue Base
Church: Okay, Caboose, think back. When you called Command, about the Special Forces person, what did they say to you?
Caboose: They said, "This is Command, we read you Blue Base."
Church: After that.
Caboose: "Roger. Over and out."
Church: Before that. Somewhere between those two. Goodbye and hello are not the important parts of the conversation.
Caboose: No I know, and my name isn't even Roger. Although that is a very cool name. I wonder if it fits. "Roger, shut up." "Roger, don't put that in your mouth." "Roger put that down." "Roger will you please be my best friend? Signed, Church! P.S., your new name is the best. I like it. Signed Church. Again."
Church: What did they tell you in the middle? What did they say- I need you to focus, Caboose.
Caboose: ...
Church: Hugh, my- I need you to focus, Roger.
Caboose: Okay. They said that since one of our troops was hurt, and since we're outnumbered, they would send us a Special Agent to help us recover.
Church: And they said that Agent would be here...
Caboose: Yes.
Church: No, no. Not- not yes. When?
Caboose: When I was on the call with them.
Church: I mean the Special Agent.
Caboose: No, no- see the operator said that.
Church: When?
Caboose: When I called Command. How else would they tell me?
Church: Okay. Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop, let's just, go through this step by step, okay? You called Command.
Caboose: Yes.
Church: And they said they were sending a Special Agent.
Caboose: Yes.
Church: To our base.
Caboose: Yes.
Church: When did they say, the Special Agent was coming?
Caboose: Oh right before they gave me my new nickname.
Church: God dammit Caboose, alright just forget it.
Caboose: Naw- see it's Roger now, remember? See I know it can be confusing sometimes, Church you have to keep up.
Tucker: Hey Roger, what's wrong with Church?
Caboose: Oh I don't know, he's having trouble understanding something. You know how he is with that.
Cut to- I'm not calling him Roger. Cut to Sarge and Simmons working on the robot
Donut: Wow guys, your robot is looking great!
Sarge: Thanks. I didn't even know I was good with machines. You know what they say, necessity is the mother of-
Donut: Hey Sarge, can I ask you about something?
Sarge: Sure, go ahead.
Donut: Um, in private?
Simmons: Oh, sure, yu- I get it. Don't want me around, that's fine, no big deal. I mean, you're not talkin' 'bout me, right? Ha ha. Aright, you're not talking about me?
Donut: Be right back Simmons.
Donut and Sarge head off together
Simmons: Sure you will, that's just what my Dad said.
Cut to Donut and Sarge off in the wilderness
Sarge: What's up, Donut?
Donut: Sarge, you ever have... you know, feelings, and stuff?
Sarge: Feelings? Sure, all the time. Who doesn't?
Donut: I just wanna talk to someone about some thoughts I've been having.
Sarge: Thoughts- about, life and stuff?
Donut: Yeah. And you always seem so interested in the men, and how we're doing.
Sarge: Well, that's my job. Lay it on me. I'm all ears.
Cut to Church with a tank outside Blue Base
Church: Sheila, turn on, hey- uh, activate! Uh, uh-oh, Phyllis! Phyllis, I command you. Start!
Tucker: What the fuck are you doing?
Church: I'm trying to turn on the damn tank.
Tucker: By yelling at it? Why don't you just use the key?
Church: You have keys for the tank?
Tucker: Nah, they didn't send 'em.
Church: Oh, thanks, you're a big help.
Tucker: Me? I'm not the one yelling at the tank. Hey, the TV is on the fritz too, you wanna come inside and yell at it? Maybe you could insult its mother or something.
Church: I need to get the tank running before Tex shows up.
Tucker: Right, the Secret Agent who also just happens to be your girlfriend.
Church: It's, complicated.
Tucker: And you think if you have a tank, that's gonna impress her.
Church: No, I need it to defend us, in case things get a little... outta hand, with her. Like I said, it's-
Tucker: Complicated?
Church: Yeah, complicated.
Caboose: I had a girlfriend once.
Tucker: Nobody cares.
Caboose: I met her on the Internet.
Tucker: Aw, man, your girlfriend was a dude.
Caboose: Her name was Emilia. She would send me letters all the time.
Tucker: Sounds high-maintenance.
Caboose: Letters from my family. Letters about stuff I ordered online. Even about investment opportunities in other Countries.
Tucker: What!? Dude, I don't think your girlfriend's name was Emilia. I think it was Email. I'm pretty sure you fell in love with your email.
Caboose: She was always there for me. Until I forgot our special word.
Tucker: You mean your password.
Caboose: She never forgave me.
Tucker: Well then I guess you should have made out with her sister, Voicemilia.
Caboose: Oh she talked too much. And she always blinked at me.
Church: Aw, you stupid tank. Just start.
Tucker: Dude, give it up. Stop working on the tank. You can't pick up chicks in a tank anyway.
Church: What?
Tucker: Actually, now that I say it out loud, I guess you could pick up chicks in a tank. Well, I could, you can't. So stop messing with it.
Church: I have to do something.
Tucker: You wanna impress a girl, just listen to me. School's in session, about to start the master class. Professor Fuck, that's me.
Cut back to Donut and Sarge on the hill, and Simmons watching from afar
Grif: Are Sarge and Donut still talking up there?
Simmons: Yeah, it's been a few hours. Maybe I should see if they want anything to eat.
Simmons heads up there, so we cut there first to beat him there, because fuck Simmons
Donut: And don't even get me started on the design of the new armor. The lines are all wrong. And the colour palette, I mean what is this, Autumn? Am I right? But let's save that for another day.
Sarge: Yeah...
Donut: Well, thanks for the talk, Sarge.
Simmons: So, uh, what were you guys talkin' about?
Sarge: Lots of things. Feelings, mostly.
Simmons: That was a long talk.
Sarge: Yes it was.
Simmons: Seems like a lot of feelings.
Sarge: Yes it is.
Simmons: Well if there's anyone the troops can confide in, it's you Sarge.
Sarge: Simmons, I'm gonna be honest with you. I think he might have used all that up.
Simmons: We still have some time for me, right? I have some thoughts I've been wanting to get off my chest.
Sarge: Why don't we just get back to work.
Simmons: Back to work after our heartfelt discussion, right Sir?
Sarge: You know what I'm thinking Simmons? Let's just put a pin in that discussion.
Simmons: A pin?
Sarge: Or a nail; nails last longer. Or one o' them railroad spikes. Tell you what, let's abandon the pin metaphor all together, let's just take your idea, put it in a box, wrap that box in chains, then cover the whole thing with cement and throw it in the ocean.
Simmons: I'll just get back to work Sir.
Sarge: Now that idea I like.