Fade in to the alien firing a minigun in the temple
Sarge: Grif, listen, we may not both make it out of this.
Grif: What?
Sarge: If you die, I think I'm prepared to live with that. I've practiced it a lot. But there's also a chance you might survive and I won't.
Grif: There'd be a better chance if you'd help me shoot.
Sarge: In case I don't make it, I can't help but think about all the future mistakes you're gonna make, that I'm not gonna be there to scream at you about.
Grif: Oh stop, I'm getting all teary-eyed.
Sarge: I just wanna let you know that in my bunk back at the base there's a recorder deck. I've prerecorded about fifty-seven hours of rants that should be applicable, in a variety of situations. Whenever you're feeling good about yourself, I want you to play one. And always remember, somebody hates you.
The alien continues firing, but stops when Church shows up in front of him
Church: Oh hey, alien, what's up?
The alien drops his chaingun and kneels, grunting as only these aliens can do
Ghost: Everyone stop firing!
Tucker: Cease fire!
Church: Um, the alien's being weird in here.
Grif: What's it doing?
Tucker: No no, I've seen this before. Some of the aliens worship this ancient technology. This one probably thinks Church is some sorta God.
Church: Wow, seriously? That's pretty fucking cool.
Ghost: The elites have always worshiped the Technology of the Forerunners
Caboose: Who are the-
Ghost: Shut up.
Caboose: Hhh- Maybe that's why your name is Church!
Church: Oh what's up praying dude? How do you like me now-
Church levitates the box and rams it into the face of the alien
Church: Bip- aw!
Tucker: Doubleyou Tee Fuck, why did you do that? I think that's taking advantage of your diety status dude.
Church: Well what good is being a God if you can't smite some people? Let's have fun.
Ghost: I'm with church... What I like to kill people... I think i'm part psychopath.
This makes all the boys take a step back while the girls just stay by his side
Voice: The shots came from down here!
C.T.: Right, form up men!
Sarge: Whoa, incoming.
Church: Good luck guys!
Church backs out of the way as the evil dudes show up
C.T.: Freeze! Lower your weapons.
More guys show up, mostly aliens
C.T.: You... Do you have any idea how much trouble you've caused me? I should kill you right here.
Church: Somebody's getting killed? I wanna watch.
C.T.: You activated it?
Church: Activated what?
C.T.: Secure the relic! Don't let it get away.
The dude behind C.T. (Smith is there too, by the way) draws a green plasma weapon and prepares to fire
Ghost: Oh fuck...
Church: Oh cool pistol, green's my favourite colour.
The dude fires and hits Church, knocking him down in a cool CGI electrical effect
Church: Heezagerbook!
Caboose: Church!
C.T.: Yes.
Smith: Blurg!
C.T.: Great shot, Jones.
Jones: Thanks. But it's actually pronounced Jo-annis, Sir.
Smith turns around and belts Joannis, and beats him while he's down
C.T.: Smith! What're you doing?!
The other aliens fire on the other remaining human bad dude
Sarge: What's happening?
Tucker: I think the aliens don't like their human buddies beating up on their religious artifacts.
Ghost: Yeah they do... I should know from experience... All the aliens are dead now.
The other human goes down, and C.T. makes a break for it
C.T.: Get out of the way.
Tucker: Let's go!
Caboose: Wait! We need to grab Church!
Tucker: That guy in brown armor grabbed him.
Ghost: Then fucking chase him!
C.T. emerges from the temple and runs into the freighter, where two dudes are on guard duty
C.T.: Cover me until I'm clear!
C.T. gets in a jeep and drives off, the guards hops on a motorcycle, and Smith comes out
Smith: Blarr.
Caption: <You will not escape with the relic>
Grif: There he goes! Everybody get in the jeep!
Sarge: We gotta get that thing turned over!
Caboose: I'll do it.
Caboose flips the jeep back over
Sarge: Wow, you are strong.
Ghost: Like we said a while back, we think it's god's way of compensating for his brain.
Caboose hops in back, Sarge in shotgun, and Grif in the driver's seat
Grif: Is this thing even gonna start?
Sarge: Hopefully. Come on, Chupababy!
The jeep starts and begins a wobbly pursuit
Caboose: Tucker, Ghost, other people, where are you going.
Tucker: There's no room for me, I'll be right back!
Ghost: Trust me I got a plan! Come on girls!
Meanwhile, back in Valhalla
Simmons: Okay, look for anything that looks like a vehicle. It may have wheels, and/or seats.
Lopez: Sabemos cuáles es un vehículo!
Caption: We know what a vehicle looks like!
Simmons: Stay calm, don't panic.
Lopez: Usted es el que ese que se atarita!
Caption: You're the one who's panicking!
Donut: Lopez is right, maybe we should panic.
Simmons: I'll try back here. It has to be-oh!
Simmons runs straight into a cloaked jeep, which then decloaks
Simmons: -somewhere.
Donut: What the heck was that? What? Invisible car? That's too cool.
Simmons: The Meta must have cloaked it.
Lopez: Dije tan.
Caption: Told you so.
Simmons: I have never seen anything like this before either Lopez.
Lopez: Cójale!
Caption: Fuck you!
Simmons: Okay everybody, hop in. Let's get the fuck out of here.
Meanwhile, back in the desert, our guys' jeep is chasing C.T.'s jeep
Sarge: There he goes.
Grif: Um yeah, I see him.
Sarge: Well see him faster.
Caboose: Look out for the guys behind us.
Grif: How can I look out for guys that are behind us?
A rocket passes them and hits just ahead and to the side of C.T.
C.T.: Don't shoot at me, shoot at them!
A truly spectacular chase seen ensues, in which the guys in the motorcycle flip over, and C.T. drives up an incline. Really, you need to see it... Also aliens
Sarge: Caboose, charge that cannon!
Caboose: Okay! Ready!
Sarge: Fire!
Caboose fires and misses, and the jeep breaks down
Sarge: Aim!
Grif: The engine died!
Smith and another alien fly in on some craft of theirs
Caboose: Look, aliens! Well they must be here to help!
Sarge: They're going after C.T. Grif, get the engine started.
A rocket flies across right in front of them
Grif: Uh, Sarge?
Sarge: Uh oh.
Hey look, dudes on the motorcycles are back. Imagine that
Tucker: Hey assholes! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Tucker rides up over a ridge in some kind of treaded vehicle, and overshoots the motorcycle completely
Tucker: Fuck.
Caboose: Cannon's charged.
Sarge: Okay then fuck it, shoot 'em.
Caboose fires the cannon at the jeep and blows those guys to hell
Grif: Well that was anti-climactic as fuck