Loki had one thing to ask of Peter. Peter wasn't sure if giving his best friend what he begged for was a good idea.
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"What did mister Thor say?" The kid's voice was stern — stern and firm which was... unlike Peter. That coupled with the look on his face, Loki could already tell maybe Peter wasn't the best go-to person when it came to this. But the truth was Peter was also the only person Loki had. He simply couldn't imagine himself asking for this from anyone else.
"Thor didn't say anything," Loki said at last. He averted his eyes, his voice a great deal quieter when compared to Peter's, and it was getting harder for him to ignore the way his pride was so brutally hurt. Maybe you shouldn't have come to him at all. Maybe you should've done this all by yourself, it would be a struggle, sure. And you might not even succeed. But at least you wouldn't have to drag your pride through mud like this.
"And... why's that?" Peter cooked his head to the side, only slightly. Like they were doing a round of interrogation; Peter the cop and Loki a pathetic thief.
"Because Thor doesn't know," saying that aloud, to Loki, felt too much like he had just been forced to confess a crime he, indeed, did commit. A pathetic one. But still a crime.
"Don't you think that should change -"
"No!" Loki cut Peter off. He hadn't meant to be so... defensive, so quick to turn down the suggestion. He just knew what Thor would say, if he were to bring the matter to him, which was why Thor could never know. "You will not tell Thor." He said clearly, and if he sounded timid before, Loki was growing back his confidence now.
He then murmured something to himself about this being a mistake, coming to Peter for help was a mistake. And Peter hated that — he hated that Loki even asked him for this. He hated that, disregard him knowing it was a bad idea, his turning Loki down would also mean breaking down whatever trust Loki had in him (if there was any. Peter wouldn't know) Especially after Peter spent a great amount of effort reassuring Loki he could count on him for anything. That was what friends did, they helped each other. And, after all, Peter could guess how much courage it must have taken Loki to ask the question.
(Peter didn't want to, not because it was too much a trouble for him but because he knew, for Loki's own good, this was only going to effect him in a negative way. Peter hated that Loki asked him this, knowing the one who would suffer from it was no one but Loki. But on the other hand, this was what Loki wanted. Or so Loki insisted)
"Fine," Peter said at last. Because Loki had been bugging and begging him for hours on end.
Loki looked as though he'd misheard that. "Fine?" He rose his eyebrows skeptically. "Fine... as in?"
"As in I won't tell Mister Thor," Peter was somewhat positive he might going to regret this. "And..." he sighed. "Fine. I'll help you,"
~~~
An hour later and here they were. This was... real. This was happening. Peter, standing behind, kept his eyes glued to Loki as though he was expecting his friend to breakdown at any moment (Peter was expecting just that) He couldn't see Loki's face, for Loki had his back turning towards him. But, from the tension in Loki's shoulders and the way he'd been staying rigid, barely breathing at all, with his hands a little bit shaking, Peter could tell this was hard for the self-proclaimed god. Harder than Peter thought, perhaps.
"If you wanna leave -"
"No." Loki cut him off without turning to look at him. His voice cracked, like he was fighting back tears. For an obvious reason, Peter suspected he'd see bloodshot eyes, if Loki were to turn around.
"I have to do this," he added after a pause, still not turning around to face Peter.
"I can do it for you," Peter offered, even if he knew what the answer would be. I took you here. Like you asked. So I'm already in this and I'd be more than happy to do this for you. If you could just allow me to. For you.
Loki shook his head. "It has to be me." Judged by his voice he was chuckled, though wryly, bitterly.
Peter mouthed all right, knowing Loki couldn't see him, anyway. When Loki started walking, Peter kept silent as he followed his friend into the graveyard. The memorial-of-some-sort site where the memories, of the lives Loki took during his invasion, remained.
Loki stopped in front of a tombstone. Peter did, too, staying behind him with proper distance. According to what was said in the news, the person lying six feet under died by Loki's hands. And even if Loki never saw their face, he just knew he had been haunted by their ghost, that was, until Stephen banished said revengeful spirit with his spell for Loki's sake. Somehow that made it even worse. You wronged them once when you killed them. You wronged them again when you had their unrest ghost locked away for your own sake. Loki gulped, swallowing back a sob. He knew he was trembling and he knew Peter saw that. Peter not making a comment about anything at all was almost like a mercy.
In Loki's hand there was a flower. He, after a moment's silence, placed it in front of the stone. Loki stayed there, on his knees, in a black suit. From where Peter stood he saw his friend's lips moving. Loki was saying something to the stone, only that it was too quiet for Peter, even with his extra-hearing ability, to make out. And Peter didn't want to pry; he simply stood there, keeping his distance, because that was what Loki asked — for someone to be here so he wouldn't have to be alone. Peter's being here was enough.
He let Loki take his time. If Loki wanted to leave then they'd go, or if he wanted a shoulder to cry on, then Peter was here. It was...about Mister Loki. After about half an hour, Loki turned to him. He wasn't crying, but his eyes were teary still. "I think," Loki said quietly, "I think I want to go home now,"
"Sure," Peter nodded. "All right, we'll go then."
~~~
The ride back to the compound was spent in silence. Peter behind the wheel and Loki riding shotgun. There were... many things to be said. Or at least Peter had many things he wanted to say to Loki. It wasn't your fault, being one of them. Though Pete knew better than that. Right now, his friend didn't want comforting words. He could use that another time. Right now, though, Loki just wanted comfort silence, and Peter was granting him that.
"Loki?" Thor seemed a littlest surprised when he saw them entering the building. Home. "Where have you been? I've been looking for you,"
Thor did look for him. Though Thor had been doing that a lot after... everything that happened. He just wanted to know where Loki was and that he was okay. So his not being able to find Loki when he and Peter were out for a trip to the cemetery was undeniably worrying to Thor.
"I'm fine," was Loki's short answer before he walked past his brother, heading toward his room. By the look on his face, Thor could tell his brother was anything but fine.
"What happened?" Thor turned to ask Peter. "Where were you guys?"
"Out," Peter said after a moment, which was... not good enough an answer, and Peter knew that. He simply didn't know if it was his place to tell where they'd been. If Loki wanted to, he could tell Thor himself.
Thor, thankfully, didn't push. Parts of Peter liked to think it was because Thor had grown to trust him. If Loki was in trouble, Peter would tell him. And Peter was doing his best not to abuse that trust.
~~~
Peter had expected Loki to come to him that night. His not showing up was both surprising and concerning, given the fact Loki was clearly not well after today's event.
So Peter went to his room instead. "Mister Loki?" He knocked to utter silence from the other side. Peter was about to knock again when the door slowly opened on its own. Loki's magic, it appeared. He invited himself inside, the room was dim and there his friend was; Loki sitting on the edge of the bed with his fox pet in his arms. Though he didn't turn to look at Peter nor did he acknowledge the kid in any way. Peter reflectively studied him and it seemed Loki was simply... not here. Mentally. He kept staring blankly at the wall, his hand absentmindedly running through Zeus' fur.
"Mister Loki?" Peter said again. And slowly, eventually, Loki turned to look at him. "Sir, you okay?" It was a stupid question and Peter knew it. Of course, the trip to the cemetery affected him.
"They were dead," Loki said. His voice was hoarse, like he had spent the last hour screaming into the pillow. "They should've had a whole life ahead of them. I took that away, and their spirits," Loki turned away from Peter, his head tilted backward to rest against the headboard. "Even their spirits don't even get to cross over and... find peace. Again, it's because of me."
"You can't blame yourself," Peter said, now climbing up to sit next to him.
Loki chuckled and Peter heard pain in it. "Who else, then, were to blame?"
The first name that popped up in Peter's head was Thanos. But Peter wasn't sure how Loki would react, if Peter were to say the name out loud. Because Loki was broken and vulnerable, and Peter knew to be mindful with what he chose to speak. "You weren't yourself back then," he said. "Your hands were tied."
"Still it were my hands that were covered in their blood."
"All of ours were."
Loki glanced at Peter after a while. And Peter continued, "we fought trying to save everyone but in the end, we just can't. When we failed, when people died, their blood was on our hands. It sucks, but it happens."
To that Loki didn't respond. He didn't protest when Peter leaned in and rested his head on Loki's shoulder. Loki did close his eyes and savored the comfort.
"All we can do," Peter said, "is be the best persons we can be. That's how we can honor them."
"Will it ever be enough?" Loki asked without opening his eyes. He leaned in, too. So his head simply rested on top of Peter's.
"Probably not," Peter said. "But at least we're doing our best."
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Author's note: I know I've been putting Loki through hell lately. Oof. I wish I had an excuse, but I guess at this point hurting Loki is in my nature now. BUT I promise things will get better for the poor bean in the next chapter... okay, I can't really promise, but I will try my best. Just hang in there. It will get better. I'm not that cruel.