Chairman: Dear Director.
Fade in to Freelancer HQ, with everyone gathered in a room with a view
Chairman: Please do not attempt to recast this investigation as some type of personal vendetta. Our questions to this point have been fairly standard. Your reactions have not. As such, we have secured all your records and logs by the authority granted us by the UNSC. Now we shall see exactly what it is, that you have to hide.
Washington: Alright, we got in, but that's only part of our mission. So no celebrating yet.
Grif: Aw shit, and I was gonna be in charge of confetti.
Ghost: Shut the fuck up, Grif.
Sister: Yeah, Shut up Grif!
Grif: You're siding with Ghost?
Sister: Of course!
Grif: What did you do to my sister, Ghost!
Ghost: Do you really want to know?
Washington: We still need to reach the A.I. storage facility. Security's tight since the Freelancers tried to break in here.
Church: You mean when they tried to steal the Alpha before?
Washington: Exactly.
Grif: The Freelancers tried to break in to their own command facility? That's dumb.
Simmons: That's what we're doin' right now you jackass.
Grif: So? Just because we do something doesn't make it smart.
Simmons: *sigh* Tell me about it.
Washington: I have the necessary clearance to get close to the storage hall. The plan is, I'll take Church as a prisoner. If I take more than one of you it won't be believable.
Caboose: Agent Washington, I want you to take me instead.
Church: What're you talkin' about?
Caboose: I will be your prisoner. Let Church go. He doesn't have anything to do with this!
Church: Caboose, I'm not actually going to be a prisoner. I'm just gonna pose as one so that we can get past-
Caboose: Have a good life Church. Don't worry. I won't tell them anything. They won't get any information out of me. No matter how nicely they ask.
Church: Oh my God, just shut up.
Sarge: Sacrificing himself for his CO. What a good soldier. Why can't you two be more like him?
Grif: What, braindead?
Simmons: I would sacrifice Grif for you, Sir.
Sarge: I know you would Simmons. But it's just not the same thing.
Simmons: No but seriously I would. Just give me the word. I'll do it right fucking now, let's go. Bring it.
Grif: Why are you taking Church? What about the rest of us?
Washington: We're sneaking past seven levels of armed checkpoints. Are you volunteering?
Grif: Uh, it was a hypothetical question?
South: Then shut, up.
Washington: The rest of you hole up and wait for us to finish. And don't touch anything.
Sarge: How will we know when you're done?
Washington: When you see every guard in the base running in one direction? That means we're probably in trouble.
Church: All the guards? Whu- yuh- wait, wh-why are we taking Church, again?
Washington: Just keep the guards off of us, and we'll radio when we're in position. This will be our extraction point.
Grif: Keep them off you?
Washington: Yeah.
Church: Distract them, dipshit.
Grif: How?
Washington: Well, this is the center that came up with all the ridiculous scenarios you guys have suffered through over the years. So have fun. Break some shit.
Sister: Now I can do that!
Cut to Washington walking Church up to a checkpoint with two guards in front of a door
Guard 1: Hold on, don't come any closer. I need you to stay right there, Sir.
Washington: Understood. I need access to the next level. The Counsellor wants to interrogate another survivor from Outpost 17B.
Guard 1: What? I thought all the Blues at Valhalla were dead. Where'd this one come from?
Washington: I don't have to explain anything to you, soldier. Stand down.
Guard 1: Sorry Sir, I didn't mean anything by that-
Washington: Fine. I'll let it go. As you were.
Guard 1: Something doesn't seem right to me. I'm gonna have to call this in.
Washington: Absolutely. Call it in. Let me just NOW!
Washington drops one guard, and Church drops to a knee and empties his entire clip at the other guard at point blank range and hits nothing but air. Hint; the guard is not Agent Smith
Church: ... ... Uh, hey can I get a little help I'm, out of bullets.
Washington shoots the other guard in the face.
Church: Thanks.
Cut back to the Reds, Ghost, Sister, South, Dhuka and Caboose
Simmons: This patrol was seventeen seconds late. Who's runnin' this place? How inefficient. Sloppy...
Dhuka: Shut up you stupid human.
Simmons: I liked you better when you didn't speak english.
South: Shut up dick-for-brains.
Simmons: Yes mam.
Sarge: I'm bored outta my gourd.
Grif: So what? Bored is good. Bored means we're not dying. Boredom I can deal with. I have years of practice.
Caboose: Yes! Grif talked, I won, I won the who can be the quietest game again.
Grif: Yeah, good job. That's ten in a row for you Caboose. Hey, you know what? We should play again. Best eleven out of twenty-one.
Caboose: Yes. You're all going down.
Simmons: Heh. We should try holding our breath next.
Sarge: Well that's it. I can't stand just sittin' around. I'm goin' mad with anticipation.
Simmons: We've only been here twelve minutes.
Sarge: Are you sure? My mission clock says three days.
Simmons: *sigh* That's because you wouldn't synchronize at the start of the mission, remember? I said we should synchronize, and you said "Why would we synchronize? It's like we're in the future, seeing what the enemy does before they do it. Why would we give up the advantage?"
Sarge: Come on, Simmons, who could possibly remember an annoying conversation we had three whole days ago?
Simmons: Twelve minutes ago.
Sarge: Grif, what's your clock say?
Grif: Um, actually mine's a countdown to the next episode of Battlestar Galactica? Priorities dude.
Ghost: I hate you.
Caboose: Ah- ah- I just won again! Man, you guys are really bad at this game! It's- it's like you're not even playing at all!
Ghost: Ok, Caboose be quiet.
Cut to Wash and Church in a really cool, funky room
Washington: Here. This is it.
Church: Whoa. What is this place?
Washington: It's the storage facility for all the A.I.s. The rejects, the bad variants... everything is here. Everything.
Church: Dear lord, what're all these lights on the walls?
Washington: It's holographic storage.
Church: And one of these things is Alpha?
Washington: You work on closing that door. I'll find what we're looking for. And when I do, every soldier on base is sure to come running. So be ready.
Wash approaches one of the really cool walls
Voice: Washington. Washington. You suck.
Time passes
Washington: Churh I got it, get over here. Here, this is it. There.
Church: Oh, great you found it already?
Something weird that I can't describe happens
Church: Ah!
Washington: What's wrong?
Church: Nothing I just had like a weird flash- uh, ah!
Washington: Are you alright?
Church: Yeah, I think it's this thing. It's like, sending out images. Is this the Alpha?
Washington: No. This is not the Alpha.
Church: No? Thn what is it?
Washington: This, is Epsilon. ...This is my A.I.