Fade in on the computer readouts inside the ship
F.S.: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808- wait a minute. Where am I?
Caboose: Sheila! You're awake! I am so happy, look- we got you a new place to live. Now you are the big ship lady.
F.S.: I like it. It is so roomy. Much nicer than that stuffy old tank.
Caboose: And now... you can fly.
F.S.: Are you the pilot Caboose? Shall I run the tutorial program?
Caboose: Mmm, yeah. Uh, let's not do that right now.
Ghost: We just wait here for now, nothing else.
Cut to the underground viewscreen the Reds are looking at
Sarge: Look they're invading our base! And we're not even there to defend it. Oh the humiliation! Men, this aggression cannot stand. We'll beat those Blues all the way back across the canyon. This is the moment we've all been training for!
Grif: Training? We haven't done any training. The only one that trains is Ghost. Wait, is sleep considered training?
Sarge: Simmons, as with all our battle plans, I need you to punch Grif in the back of the head. Simmons? Simmons!
Simmons: Uh huh, yeah, I agree. Everything you say is right, Red Team's great... hooray.
Sarge: Simmons, stop watching those T.V.s.
Donut: Yeah Simmons, give it up. There's not gonna be any more pictures of naked girls on there.
Simmons: Shut up, you don't know that. Stop saying that. He doesn't know what he's talking about.
Sarge: Men, this won't be easy. The Blues will be totally bunkered down. At both bases, which gives them an enormous strategic advantage! They also have Ghost hostage! But we're the Red Team.
A flag lowers behind Sarge, with someone singing
Sarge: Sure, you might not be the best squad... might not be smart... or energetic, or have any skills that qualify you for duty in any other legitimately recognized military unit. However-
Donut: Where did that flag come from?
Grif: Flag, who gives a fuck about the flag. How about who's singing?
Sarge: But with precise operations, and proper communication, we will emerge victorious! With a little luck, one of us in particular, will die a horrible death! Either at the hands of the Blues, or as part of a cunning distraction by yours truly.
The singing stops
Simmons: Why don't we just take over Blue Base?
Sarge: Nonsense! At Blue Base they're much more fortified. Blue Base has turrets. Blue Base has a tank!
Simmons: Blue Base has no one in it.
Sarge: What?
Simmons: Look, see? They're all gone.
Sarge: Where'd they go?
Donut: They went to Red Base. That's what we've been talking about.
Grif: But which one of these caves leads to the Blue Base? I'm all turned around down here.
Donut: I have an idea.
Cut to the Reds standing over the bodies of the two Blue corpses
Donut: See, these are dead Blues.
Sarge: Yes, Donut, we're all very happy about the corpses. Sicko.
Donut: Don't you get it? When they buried you, you fell down here. When the Blues buried these two guys, they fell in too.
Simmons: I thought the Blues had three dead guys.
Donut: So that means, we're standing right underneath Blue Base. All we need to do is head up, and take 'em from behind.
Sarge: Cavernous conundrum he's right! Let's go men. We'll grab their base while they capture ours! Then we get Ghost! On to glorious victory!
Simmons: Technically that's not victory. It's more like a stalemate.
Sarge: On to equilibrium then?
Simmons: Yeah, that'll work.
Grif: Huhh, this war sucks.
Cut back to Ghost, Caboose, and F.S.
F.S.: Diagnostic complete.
Caboose: Um, Sheila have you seen Tex?
F.S.: No. I have been running a diagnostic on my new home. I only need some minor repairs to my landing gear. But I require a replacement ignition coil to become functional. Do you have an ignition coil Private Caboose?
Caboose: Um no, uh but Tex wanted me to tell her when you started talking. Um... and I'm supposed to find her.
F.S.: My sensors indicate she is at the Red base.
Caboose: Om no that's the worst kind of base.
Ghost: It's not that bad.
F.S.: Why did she want to speak to me?
Caboose: Oh, she just wanted to know where O'Malley is.
F.S.: Oh. Of course. Would you like to know where O'Malley is Ghost, Caboose?
Ghost: Please.
Cut to the cave Sister, Doc and Junior went in
Sister: So by the time I got home it was four A-M, and when my Mom asked where I was, I told her I was riding around on the train all night, which I guess is technically true...
Doc: Uh yeah, we don't have to talk about stuff any more. Let's just walk. And not talk. Ever again.
Sister: Come on little guy, hurry up!
Junior: Hnnnk!
Caption: <Coming!>
Sister: Oh my God, head.
Doc: Okay please, really, no more stories.
Sister: Seriously, it's a head. Look.
Doc: Huh?
Lopez: Ola.
Caption: Yo.
Doc: Oh. It's you.
Lopez: Lo que. Una cierta manera de tratar, a su muchacho.
Caption: Whatever. Some way to treat your sidekick.
Lopez: Mi a rodeo por días y usted incluso no me busque.
Caption: Gone for days and you don't even look for me.
Sister: You know him?
Doc: You speak Spanish?
Sister: Uh, of course I do, it's the year twenty-five hundred and I'm from America.
Doc: Aoh, cool. Tell him O'Malley is gone.
Sister: O'Malley no está aquí ya fue.
Lopez: Su Español es muy horrible.
Caption: Your Spanish sucks.
Sister: Who's O'Malley?
Cut to the Red Base, which the Blues have handily taken over
Church: Alright well, I guess let's break up in to teams and search the base.
Tex: Got it.
Radio sounds
Caboose: Tex! Tex are you there Tex? Me and Ghost know who O'Malley is!
Tucker: It looks like the Reds pulled out. Does that mean we win?
Church: I s'pose so. I guess we have, two bases, in the middle of a box canyon now.
Tucker: Whoopdie fuckin' doo.
Church: Right Tex?
Tex: (training her gun on Church) Don't move, O'Malley.
Church: Oh, crap.