Fade in to Blue Base, with Tucker moaning as he often does
Tucker: Uuuuuuuhuuugh.... Uuuuuuhhhohgaawwwwd..
Church: Man, he sounds terrible.
Caboose: Yeah, he's been like that since the swamp.
Church: Swamp, you guys were in a swamp?
Caboose: Yeah. It was dark and swampy. I wasn't scared at all.
Church: Is this why you guys came home so fast?
Caboose: No, we came home because the alien died, eyand because the uh glowing sword turned out to be a uh glowing key.
Church: Yeah a glowing key that can still stab people.
Caboose: Right.
Church: So it is a sword. It just happens to function like a key in very specific situations.
Caboose: Or it's a key all the time, and when you stick it in people, it unlocks their death.
Church: God damn man, I would love to live in your world for about ten minutes.
Caboose: Yeah. I have a really good time.
Church: Ehehehyeah, it seems like it. You know I don't think I'd get anything done, but I probably wouldn't care that much.
Tucker: Uuuuuhhhhhhhoh...
Church: Hey Tucker, you okay?
Tucker: Ohh, why don't you guys come in here?
Church: Uh, because it might be contagious? Aaand because we've got to think about the health of the unit as a whole. I came up with that pretty fast.
Caboose: And because you threw up ten minutes ago! And that's just gross!
Church: Hey wait a second, you don't think that sword-
Caboose: You mean the key?
Church: No I mean the sword. You don't suppose that sword is makin' him sick, do you?
Caboose: I don't see how, it hasn't sneezed once.
Church: We don't know anything about it though. Maybe it runs on radiation and it's poisoning him.
Caboose: Or, maybe it runs on solar power!
Church: Wait now- why would solar power make him sick?
Caboose: Is he Republican?
Cut to a great view of Blue Simmons through the opening of the ramp, flanked by Grif and Donut
Simmons: Okay listen guys, do you want important information about the war or don't you?
Grif: I don't know man, this is a pretty exclusive club we've got here. If we let one blue guy in, we might have to let the next one in, and the next one, and then there goes the neighbourhood.
Donut: Yeah, pretty soon we'll have to let in women. And who wants them?
Grif: Hhyeah, then we'd be talking about interior decorating and reality T.V. shows all day. No thanks.
Donut: Grif, it kinda ruins my point when you just mention the good stuff.
Simmons: I'm sure the Blues are using the information right now to plot an attack against us.
Cut to Blue Base, and something that sounds remarkably similar to Tucker vomiting a Toyota
Church: That better have been in your bucket!
Caboose: I'll get the mop.
Cut back to Grif et al
Grif: Well you can forget it. You heard Sarge, there's no way we're letting you in the base dressed like that.
Donut: Seriously, the blue and red thing is so last year.
Simmons: Well how 'bout this?
Grif: How did you change so fast?
Simmons: I've always been a fast changer. I'm very shy.
Grif: Is that why you wear your underwear in the shower, too?
Simmons: I also never use the bathroom at the base. Only at home.
Grif: Dude, we've been stationed here for like three years.
Simmons: Yeah, it's gonna be a very eventful homecoming.
Cut to Church looking down on Andy not because he believes he's better, but because he's significantly taller
Church: Andy, what in the hell happened to Tucker in this little adventure you guys took?
Andy: How should I know?
Caboose: He ate all my food and just threw it up. Coulda just thrown it on the floor, 'n' cut out the middle man.
Church: Yeah plus now he's moody as hell. I went to ask him if he's feelin' better and he practically bit my goddamn head off.
Caboose: I bet he just would have thrown up your head later. And then you could just put it right back on, it'd be fine.
Andy: He was fine on the trip, maybe he's allergic to you. I know I get nauseous when I look at ya.
Church: Did you guys come in contact with anything weird, like any strange plants or animals er, like superflu viruses er, porn stars?
Andy: Oh yeah, there's one thing I forgot to mention. We invaded a secret biological warfare lab, run by porn stars. Tucker licked all the petri dishes, even though we told him not to. Then he got thirsty, so he drank everything in the test tubes. You think that had anything to do with it?
Caboose: I'm pretty sure that didn't actually happen. I would have remembered that part.
Andy: Aw come on, you're surprised he's sick? I've never seen the guy wash his hands, not once! One time I saw him pick his nose at the pay phone.
Church: I'm just worried, man, who knows if this stuff is contagious? For all we know Caboose could be next. Wake up tomorrow morning he's throwin' up, runnin' a huge fever, next thing you know he's bleeding out of his eyes 'cause his internal organs are liquifying. And I'm gonna be the one that has to hold his hand while he screams himself to death. That's not gonna be any fun.
Caboose: I'm gonna go take a vitamin.
Church: Oh don't bother, it's too late for you anyway. We need to start thinking about me.
Andy: Tell ya what. Send me in, and I'll run clean-up. Don't worry about it, I'll take care of everything.
Church: Andy, I am not letting you blow up the base.
Andy: Comon, just a little explosion! Five, ten megatons tops. Aya all your scary germs will be gone. Nothin' left but the cockroaches! Germ free cockroaches.
Caboose: But then Tucker will be dead too.
Andy: See? It's the perfect plan!
Church: No, but that does give me a good idea. Technically, you can't get sick. So why don't we send you in there to take care of Tucker, you can figure out what's wrong and report back to us.
Andy: I ain't no nurse. I go in there, all you're gonna get, is an explosion. You want a medical diagnosis, go see a doctor.
Church: What did you just say?
Andy: I said you don't need me. Ya need a doctor.
Caboose: Please don't do it.
At an evil lair, somewhere nearby...
The sound of a phone ringing
O'Malley: For the love of evil, someone get the phone!
Lopez: ¿Por qué no lo llevarle tas usted?
Caption: Why don't you get it?
O'Malley: You fool! Can't you see I'm busy with an evil plot? What do I pay you for?
Lopez: Para limpiar después de sus diagramas fallados.
Caption: To clean up after all your failed plots.
O'Malley: Oh shut up you fool. You don't even have a body.
Lopez: Sí. Debido de sus diagramas fallados.
Caption: Yes. Because of one of your failed plots.
Doc: Why all this bickering? Can't we all just get along?
O'Malley: And answer the damn phone!
Lopez: ¿Por qué tenemos tantos mils máquinas apocalíptica, para no tenemos máquina del contestar la teléfono?
Caption: Why do we have a million doomsday devices and no answering machine?
O'Malley: I find you far too sarcastic for just a head.