Sarge talking to various dirtbags
Sarge: Okay, listen up dirtbags. If we're gonna invade this fortress, we need a good gameplan. I have got two options we can use.
Cut to a black and white re-enactment of Sarge's plan
Sarge: Number one, we all run straight at the base in a single file line, screaming at the top of our lungs. The enemy will be so flabberghasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we'll already be inside.
Cut back to Sarge and the "dirtbags"
Tucker: Oh yeah right, they're not gonna get surprised, they're just gonna start mowing us down.
Sarge: That's the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front. So if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.
Simmons: Don't you think Caboose should be in the back, since he's the one carrying the bomb?
Sarge: Nope, Caboose is in front of me. We need someone in back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.
Tucker: How're you gonna know if it's not working?
Sarge: If Caboose dies, I'll know we're in trouble, and immediately abort.
Caboose: (holding the bomb) I think that's a good plan.
Ghost: Kid that is not a good plan because you, me and everyone else you will die.
Caboose: oh...
Grif: Sarge, while that's the most retarded idea I've ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.
Sarge: Don't get misty, Francine. We'll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill.
Cut to a black and white re-enactment of Grif's lifeless corpse riding up on the windmill
Grif's lifeless corpse: Bleah!!!!!!!!!!!
Cut back to Sarge addressing the audience
Sarge: I think we can all agree given our current situation, it's the perfect plan.
Everyone: ...........................
Sarge: Okay, well let me tell you about my other plan. Using parts from the Warthog-
Grif: (to Tex) I'm hoping you've got a better idea.
Sarge: (under Grif's line) We build what I like to call "The Grif Cannon."
Grif: Hoh man...
Sarge: Utilising the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif-sized hole in the outer wall. ...Or we paint it a very disgusting color.
Ghost: I hate your plans sometimes...
Cut to O'Malley ranting about something
O'Malley: Hahaha, fools. They don't stand a chance against us, hahaha. Do they men.
Lopez: No. Los macho comer os.
Caption: No. We will crush them.
Red Zealot: The Flag is on our side. We will be victorious!
O'Malley: Stupendous! To your battle stations, on to crushing victory! The fools don't stand a chance against our might! Muahahaa.
Red Zealot and Lopez: ...
O'Malley: What're you still doing there?
Red Zealot: I forget. Which battle station is mine? I'm still learning my way around the fortress.
Lopez: Necesito a llega mí llevo. No tengo ningún torso.
Caption: I need someone to carry me. I have no torso.
Cut to Sarge on some staircase, talking over radio sounds for a bit
Sarge: Okay, is everyone ready? Ghost, Donut, Caboose and I will move the bomb down the staircase and along the left side of the base.
Caboose: (holding the bomb and talking as if he's in labor) Please hurry, I don't know how much longer I can talk like this.
Donut: Man that does look heavy. You really should consider wearing some kind of supportive undergarment.
Caboose: U-no thanks. I can do it.
Donut: Come on now, don't be shy. You can borrow one of mine! I'm thinking something with lace. Lace is totally in right now!
Ghost: Leave the kid alone Donut, he's focus on caring the bomb.
Donut: okey-dokey
Cut to a random sniper rifle
Tucker: Ooh, sniper rifle!
Tex: (taking it) I got it.
Tucker: Fuck.
Cut to Simmons and Grif doing something
Simmons: Copy that Sarge.
Sarge: Simmons, you and the two bullet magnets move up the right side and try to cause some kind of distraction.
Simmons: Any suggestions?
Sarge: As long as it draws their fire away from us and towards you I don't care.
Donut: Try some dance moves! Oh! You could do a musical number!
Sarge: Get off the radio, Donut!
Simmons: Alright, looks like we're on our own guys. Tex, how does it look from up there?
Pans up to Tex who's actually in a reasonable tactical position
Tex: I don't see any movement... but the guns are definitely online.
Tucker: You know what, I miss the old days, when we didn't risk our lives, and you guys were all just a bunch of nameless assholes I would yell at with Church.
Grif: It's okay. We hate you too man.
Sarge: Okay, let's move out!
Cut to O'Malley looking down on them from his high vantage point in the fortress of EVIL!!!!
O'Malley: Huhah, here they come. Get ready.
Cut to The Red Zealot taking up one of the turrets
Red Zealot: Prepare to be cleansed, infidels!
Cut to Lopez's head on the other turret
Lopez: No los dejarán cruzar la frontera.
Caption: I will not let them cross the border.
Cut to Simmons and the bullet magnets in a cave or something
Simmons: Alright, so far so good. Sarge, we are in position.
Cut to Sarge in front of a sign that says Camp Froman
Sarge: Roger that. We are also in position. No sign of the enemy.
Donut: Mahan, this is the easiest fortress invading mission, of all time.
Caboose: Maybe for you, this thing is heavy, for me. (drops the bomb)
Caboose drops the enormously heavy bomb, drawing the Red Zealot's attention
Sarge: Careful with that thing, Caboose!
Ghost: do you need me to help you caboose?
Caboose: No I am fine.
Donut: Uh... Sarge, Ghost?
Sarge: You could blow us all to smithereens!
Donut: Sarge, I'm pretty sure that guy up there with the gun, sees us.
Sarge: You wanna blow people to smithereens, at least make sure Grif is nearby.
Donut: Duck!
Red Zealot opens fire
Sarge: What the?
Caboose: A duck? Where? I love ducks.
Ghost: The other duck Caboose!
Sarge: Get down, idiot.
Ghost: Don't talk to him like that.
Cut to Lopez somehow firing on the bullet magnets
Grif: We're under fire, Sarge we're under fire!
Sarge: Good! Now jump up and draw them off.
Tucker: What'd he say?
Grif: He was breaking up. I think he said something about staying here, and not doing anything risky.
Simmons: Tex, see what you can do about that gun!
Tex: You got it.
Tex shoots the Lopez head off his gun
Tex: Hyeah, headshot!
Grif: Nice shooting, Tex.
Simmons: Tucker. You and Tex head up across that bridge. Try to take out that other turret. We'll head in to the base and see if we can find O'Malley.
Tucker: Why do I have to go up against a machine gun, and you guys get to go play hide and seek?
Simmons: The guy we're seeking has a rocket launcher.
Tucker: Oh, right. Uh, have fun doing that.
Cut to Sarge and co.
Sarge: Caboose, we'll hold them off from up here. You and Ghost take the bomb and try to sneak in the front of the base.
Caboose: Okay.
Ghost: Let's go Caboose.
They run off
Donut: Wow, Sarge. You actually decided to sacrifice yourself for someone else!
Sarge: Quiet Donut! I'm gonna need your help. When the turrets kill Caboose and Ghost, I'm gonna need you to carry the bomb in to the base.
Cut to Tex and Tucker at the big windmill thing
Tex: I can't see him from here. Let's move out. (runs across the fan)
Tucker: Okay, but jus- (falls down behind the fan) Whoahoa! Ah!
Tex: Tucker! Are you okay?
Tucker: Yeah I'm okay, I dropped down in to some kind of hole. Can you give me a hand?
Tex: Oh. Let me take out this turret. I'll be back for you later.
Tucker: (sees something) What is that? Hoaho, what the hell is this?
Cut to Simmons and Grif at the other giant fan thingie
Simmons: Okay Grif, we just need to jump through here.
Grif: Okay, go for it.
Simmons: Me? Why me first?
Grif: Because, I don't wanna die?
Simmons: But this thing's moving super slow. See?
Ten seconds later the fan blade goes by, complete with huge WHOOSH sound
Grif: Nice knowing you Simmons.
Cut to Sarge
Sarge: No, shoot the guy with the bomb! You're ruining the plan!
Tex: I'm pinned down, I need assistance!
Tucker: (arriving next to the Red Zealot) Hey asshole. (flips out some glowing blade thing)
Red Zealot: Heuh?
Tucker steps forward and slices the Red Zealot in the groin, sending him flying off the base to land on the ground below, on his face
Red Zealot: My quest is over... I can see the flag... It's so, flappy... Hegh-bleahhhh
Tex: Hey, where'd you get that?
Tucker: I dunno, I found it in the hole. Pretty cool. Look what I can do. (swings it in the air)
Tex: Hey, you wanna trade it for the sniper rifle?
Tucker: No thanks, I'm good.
Cut to Caboose and Ghost wandering around aimlessly
Caboose: X. I'm looking for an X. (Sees the X but thinks it's a plus sign) That, is a plus sign. Not an X. I need to find an X.
Ghost: No Caboose, an X is a + just turn slightly to either left or right. They are both the same technically.
Caboose: Then we have found it?
Ghost: Exactly.
Church: (from nowhere) Hello? Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?
Ghost & Caboose: Church?