"Ma..." The inflection in Daddy's voice brings me out of my safe space to figure out what's going on, sadness not being an emotion that I've actually seen from him before... At least not really.
His walls drop, if only for a moment, and I get to see some of what Silas let me know he wasn't ready to talk about when I had asked him about his childhood. The memory of a crying face and what I can only fathom is his father's back as he heads out the door despite the watery pleas being called out from him from a younger-looking Bethany for him not to leave... And suddenly the weight of what I had said to her really hits home.
She doesn't know what it's like to have a supportive mate or healthy relationship because she's never had one... Not really through any fault of her own... At least not in Silas's opinion, though he is sour on her for something that he's currently trying to choke down, his concern for her at the moment winning out against his brittleness over being compared to his father.
...
Silas
...
"I really didn't mean to upset you..." It seems as though the number my dear old Dad has worked over on Ma's gotten even worse, her eyes watery over the prospect of me leaving on bad terms even though the two of us have never exactly been on good terms... Not for a long time now anyhow.
Seeing her look at me exactly the way she looks at Dad makes my anger over her comments dissipate bit by bit until the words, "I know you didn't." Slip out of my mouth and settle in the air around us. Not something I normally would have said to anyone before my little Princess walked into my life wearing his favorite worn-out pair of bunny slippers... Forgiveness was never really practiced in my family... Just moving on without discussing it whenever we all were forced to be in the same general vicinity as each other, Becky and I always tending to avoid seeing Mom when we can unless Dad is out of town... And maybe on my part avoiding her even when he is out of town, though I think most assume that it's just my solitary nature that keeps me away instead of just not wanting to deal with the drama of it all.
Normally I would have proceeded to storm off, not to be seen for weeks while I work the frustration out of my system in blessed solitude... But things are different now and the only way to show people that I'm not my Father is to show them just how much having my angel constantly clinging to my side has changed me for the better, even in the few weeks since he's come home.
...
Adrian
...
I get a kiss to my hair when I retreat back into my safe space nestling myself more thoroughly against Daddy's chest, my clouds all burned away from the everything that just happened... Sensory overload is definitely a thing and it's definitely still happening, a twinge in the back of my head threatening to blossom into a full-blown headache I know I won't enjoy if faced with another stressful incident before we finally go to bed tonight... But somehow I know I can trust that Daddy won't let that happen if he can help it, the squeeze he gives me around my waist an unspoken confirmation to my assumption.
"I'll let you go ahead and finish... Browsing. I didn't mean to really interrupt your shopping... I just didn't think it was really you over- Not important. Is it still okay if I call?" Bethany's cheeks finally get red when I take the chance of peeking up at her face when I hear her start to get flustered, her eyes zeroing in on our basket. This time it's obvious that she's referring to our stance at the table full of panties.
If I could please walk into the parking lot and lay in front of oncoming traffic that would be nice right about now.
I get a pinch to my side that lets me know that my last thought isn't appreciated nor is it funny, but it really wasn't meant to be funny. I hadn't wanted to actually come over here and pick a pair out in the first place. Bethany doesn't seem like an idiot... It's obvious that Silas wouldn't be the one wearing something all pink and frilly... Nope. She knows. It's for me. And I want to yeet myself right off a cliff because I know that she knows and when our eye makes contact for just a single precious moment it's solidified that I know she knows and now she knows that I know she knows... All of it made worse when Daddy opens his mouth and offers, "We were about to move on to picking out some yarn if you want to walk that way with us Ma. If you aren't headed in the opposite direction that is."
...
Silas
...
The way my mother's eyebrows shoot up to kiss her hairline almost has me offended... As if I'm incapable of keeping up with a few moments of awkward small talk if it helps start to put people's minds at ease over my ability to care for my sweet boy and our future babies. I'm tired of everyone assuming that I'm going to mistreat them... Just because I don't like people or being responsible for the pack does not mean that I would be reckless with the welfare of the keeper of my heart.
And yet... Instead of shooting off at the mouth with what I'm sure is actually another comment she doesn't really mean to be hurtful but catches herself at the last second replacing the words with a small smile and nod as she pulls her buggy until it's redirected so she can walk with us.
My sweet baby looks up at me before allowing us to move forward as if to ask me why I'm doing this to the two of us when I know both of us would really rather not.
'I'll explain at home.' It is the only explanation I can think to give him at the moment, not quite ready to camp out in the middle of Walmart to discuss both mine and Mom's mutual abandonment issues.
My LoveBug takes it in stride, lifting himself up onto his tiptoes to bless me with a quick kiss before unwrapping himself from where he's tucked against me, taking my hand to pull me along.
I don't miss the weight of Mom's eyes on us as she watches the interaction with fascination... Maybe... Just maybe... If I can show my mother that Timber's are capable of being in a healthy relationship she'll wake up and see Dad for the bastard he really is and leave him... Something I hadn't been able to prove to her before... Something I hadn't ever tried... Because deep down I think I always knew she kind of lumped me into the same category as him and I resented her for it.