It's all too easy to stay still as Daddy's skillful hands massage their way down my back, soaping me up while I lean into his chest. The way the steam bellows around us plasters my hair to my neck and my face as his hands move slowly, thoroughly working my back over making sure to tub away every single knot he finds in my shoulders. The hot water pouring down around us soothes us both, the scent of the fragrant earth we had been playing in being gently whisked away from both of us as I let him do as he pleases.
Everything feels fine... I feel so secure and safe in his arms until he turns me and starts in on my chest... The moment Silas's hands move to my belly I can't stop myself from clawing his hands away and covering myself, the self-consciousness I thought had been burned away from my being from being kissed within an inch of my life outside surging up and choking me.
I... I've been self-conscious before but not like this... I...
His hands come up again, his chin resting on my shoulder to keep me from trying to pull away from him... And yet instead of letting him wash my belly like any sane person, I find myself pushing his hands away yet again... And again every time he tries to touch me.
...
Silas
...
My sweet boy seems perfectly content in my arms until I try and touch my happy place... The belly that he hadn't ever hesitated to surrender to me to let me caress and play with as I see fit is apparently now off-limits, my hands being knocked away twice more before I stop trying and pivot my sweet bean to face me.
I'm not sure what expect to find over his odd act of defiance... But a wobbly bottom lip and thoughts of self-loathing are what greets me. His mind has once again circled back to the negative pregnancy test and the weight gain that led him to believe that the results might have come back as positive.
"Princess..." The word slips out of my lips as a sigh, my hands coming up to cup his angelic face as he does his best not to dissolve into a puddle of melted sadness. My lovebug nuzzles into my right palm, kissing the heel of it before sighing in a way that twists my stomach up in knots.
"I know... I know it's stupid to react this way, Daddy." His tone of voice is so utterly defeated... Not what I expected after such an honestly great run.
"It's not stupid, Adrian. I just didn't realize you wanted a baby this bad..." I keep my voice as even as I can even though it wants to try and crack as the word baby floats from my lips. My throat feels so thick seeing my precious bean so torn up right now over something that isn't in our control. I've had the thoughts myself before, but mostly about how I would never treat my family the way my father treated his... That I'd be a good Dad and do my best to stick around... But never the specifics... Like when the kids that sometimes wandered into my mind would actually crop up in my life.
I hadn't realized Adrian wanted a baby so soon or this bad. He never brings it up, and other than the initial decision to forgo condoms we hadn't actually talked about it.
It's not like he had the typical baby fever... It's never dominated his thoughts and his daydreams typically consist of exotic locations and period drama reenactments based on whatever book he's been thumbing through. He's mentioned children exactly once, and only because when he asked after what Agatha's punishment would be. After learning she would have to read to the toddlers of his old pack he had smiled wide and told me that it had previously been something he had regularly volunteered for and that was that. He hadn't spoken of it since then.
I hadn't ever thought to ask about it. I figured his first heat would creep up on us and if it was meant to happen sooner rather than later I'd be the luckiest man alive... And if it didn't... I'd still be the luckiest man alive because I would still have my angel by my side, clinging to me and loving me just as much as I love him.
"I didn't know I wanted kids period. I never let myself consider it before because I didn't want to end up like my parents... But... But you wouldn't ever be mean if the baby ended up being a runt... Or at least I don't think you would... I just..."
...
Adrian
...
The words tumble out of my mouth in the form of verbal vomit, my eyes rolling back so far in my head when I punctuate my frustration with a sigh so bog it may have made me black out for a second before I can gather my thoughts enough to try and continue calmly and with normally paced breathing, "I... I just feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop... Like this all can't really be real... Like you and the house and planning the library... I feel like all of it might disappear if I close my eyes for too. I want to experience a full happily ever after that includes being a Mama before the old Queen shows up with curses and a pet dragon with behavioral issues."
The hands currently caressing my face slip down to my shoulders, pulling me into an extremely tight embrace, my body slipping against Silas's in a way that makes me wish that this conversation was a happier one... One that could dissolve this hug into something more... But instead, I get the sweetest of words whispered into my ear, "You are my happily ever after, Baby. And I'll be damned if anyone ever tries to take you away from me... You'll get to be a Mama... It might not happen right away, but it'll happen."