I wait until Adrian settles down a bit more, his tears turning into nearly silent whimpers as he clings to me still questioning whether or not he'd be punished for the slip. With his reaction to one small slip up of the still fairly new rules, I think its more than suffice to say that he's punishing himself enough with this near panic attack. It would be irresponsible of me to punish him before we've even talked about what the punishments should even be, so instead, I soothe, dragging one of my palms up and down his back to soothe him. My other arm wrapped around his tender midsection to keep him nestled against me while he squirms.
"What exactly about it Love? Does it bother you?" He certainly hadn't minded when I was balls deep making him moan, but maybe for my delicate little Adrian, the word is uncomfortable outside of the bedroom, but maybe seeing it down on paper had brought it more to his attention what we had been doing... Of how we both had been reacting to it when the word tumbled out of his mouth. I had tagged the feelings as feeling small and secure... Comforted maybe...
Maybe I was wrong.
...
Adrian
...
" No... It doesn't bother me. I just..." How to even phrase it correctly without jamming my own foot even further into my mouth, "I was just saying that you seem to really like it is all.."
A kiss I don't deserve gets pressed to the top of my hair and it soothes me more than it ought to while he waits for me to figure out the rest of my words to phrase the second half of the question that had never actually been said out loud, "I was just... I wanted to know how much you like it.." And depending on how much would you be okay with me liking what I like... And if maybe you could like what I like too...
It sounds vague and I'm not sure if he can actually understand what I'm asking as muffled as it is from saying it into his chest. Im not sure if I want him to actually catch the question now that things have turned so tense
I know the presumption is that he thinks to call him Daddy embarrasses me or the thought of it does... But its how much I like it...
....
Silas
...
"How much I like it?" I don't mean to parrot the question but I'm not sure I understand.
Flustered feelings fill my sweet boy's belly and make him fidget even more in my lap than he already is, his legs starting to bounce as an adorable attempt to shake out some of his nerves, "...Yeah. I want to know how much, Daddy..."
"Hmm...", I do my best to try and look at him, but it only makes him plaster himself more thoroughly to me making it impossible to catch a peek of his nervous face, " I've never had to quantify it before. In what way do you mean, Hun?"
"Like... How much?"
"How do you mean, Adrian?"
"How much?"
"Adrian."
The dominance in my voice makes my sweet bean bun jump but I don't know how else to get him to stop beating around the bush and just say plainly what he means. He knows I like it... It short circuits the logical part of my brain every time it escapes as a moan from those sinfully pouty lips of his and he's asking if I like it?
"Can you just punish me and let's drop it for now?"
"No. You brought it up, so we're going to chew it over together." I try to keep my voice stern but light, but still receive a whine in place of words.
...
Adrian
....
"I don't want to chew it over... I want to drop it." I really really want to drop it at the moment. The comfort that had allowed the question to even form burned away by anxiety taking hold of my system and choking me in a way I really don't enjoy.
I don't need to ask the question... I'll figure out a way to be me without embarrassing myself... Without Silas looking at me as though I've grown a third head and then a fourth for the reason behind the question. It may be too late for him to reject me but that doesn't mean he can't stick me in a corner to collect dust...
I can't handle the thought of never getting cuddled and loved in the same way as right now... Of never flying amongst the clouds as his good boy ever again makes me feel lower than even this morning... All over a question, I should have just left alone.
It's like having to figure out how to hide my books all over again... It had taken me so long to figure out that under my bed had been the answer, but this time its behaviors and wants... Wants that I hadn't even wanted to share with anyone else or even attempt to say out loud until this gorgeous man had waltzed into my life and upturned every single one of the shelves that had been balancing my inner workings. It should be easy enough to cover them with a metal sheet and duvet and only take them out in the middle of the night when all is silent and I can pretend that I'm alone.
"Baby, if it bothers you we can-"
"It doesn't bother me!"
...
Silas
...
"Clearly it does bother you, Bean or you wouldn't have mentioned it." I let my hand find his belly in order to rub it and soothe us both and his first reaction is to try and shove me away before looking down at the table where the list of rules still sits and slumps into me with a watery sigh. His hands collect my own and press it tightly against the supple skin of his belly and for a moment all I can focus on is the feel of him holding me against an area so precious before coming back to the topic at hand.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore... It's fine. I'm fine.."
"Tell me."
"No."
"Adrian. It's not optional anymore. You are going to tell me. I wasn't planning on punishing you but dont think I won't spank you right here and now." Backed up with a growl the words seem to be the key that finally unlocks the rest of his watery question and once again, I am not prepared.