Sara's POV
It has been an hour since the doctors took Aiden and I still hadn't been told anything. Eleanor had arrived a little over twenty minutes ago. I can't help but feel like I'm holding some sort of envious feeling towards her. All I seem to think about it finding the ring then discovering Harry didn't buy it and he wasn't planning on giving it to me. I know it isn't her fault but I can't help but feel jealous that her and Louis are so happy and here I am in a hospital for Aiden without Harry by my side, where he should be, more miserable than I've ever been in my life.
I was too wrapped up in my thoughts to realise that Taylor had arrived.
"Have you heard anything?" He asked, catching my attention.
"No, they haven't told me anything." I answered blankly.
"And Harry?"
"Not here." I got up, unable to help myself, and wrapped my arms around him. I can't begin to describe the feeling I got when I saw my brother in person. But it also made what is happening seem so much more real. We sat down in complete silence for what felt like forever but in fact it was only half an hour.
"Sara, is there anything I can get you? Something to drink or something to eat?" Eleanor asked. I shook my head. I haven't felt the urge to eat all day. How can anyone possibly do anything at a time like this? She went on to ask Taylor but he gave her the same answer. She sat back down and the silence returned.
I looked down at my baby who was sleeping peacefully next to me. I looked at her and all I see is Harry. I have to stop myself from letting tears spill from my eyes. It astonished me how Harry continues to not answer my calls. I keep making excuses for him in my head to why he wouldn't be here right now. Maybe he left his phone at the house before he left. Before he left. Those words leave a sour taste in my mouth.
"Have you heard anything from Louis yet?" I asked Eleanor. I didn't have to wait long for my answer as the look on her face said it all.
"Don't worry, they'll find him soon." I mentally laughed to myself. Don't worry. Telling me to not worry is like telling the sun not to shine or the world not to turn. It's just not something I can do.
"And what if they don't?" It wasn't really a question I've been thinking about; I ended up saying it without warning.
"Then I'm not sure-" Eleanor began but was quickly cut off by Taylor.
"Then I will go out there and find him myself. I can only imagine the thought going through Taylor's head. I can tell Harry hasn't made the best impression on Taylor. He has every right to be mad at Harry and I can't help but feel the same way.
Addison began to move around the chair and I reached over to pick her up. I held her close to my chest and cradled her head into the crook of my neck. She's the one person in my family that I know is 100% safe and where they're supposed to be.
When I hear my name being called, I can feel my heart stop and then quickly speed up. Whatever I'm about to hear will change my life for either the better or for the worse. I rush over to the doctor wish Addison still in my arms. I can see from the corner of my eye, Taylor and Eleanor right beside me.
"Are you Aiden's mother?" The doctor asked.
"Yes I am. Is he okay? What happened?" I sniffled.
The doctor grimaced at my desperate expression. "Ma'am do you know what 'SIDS' is?"
"No." It sounded familiar but I was too worried about Aiden to really think about it.
"SIDS is a condition Aiden suffered from during sleep. We're never sure what the cause is until we conduct a full assesment." I wasnt quite sure what he was trying to tell me.
"I dont understand, Is Aiden okay?"
The doctor gripped the papers he held, hard while he looked straight into my eyes, "I'm sorry, we did everyting we could."
The realisation that I would never see my son again hit me with a crippling force and I felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach. I could feel the wind leave my lungs and it was the most painful thing I've experienced to take another breath because it was another breath without Aiden in my arms. I felt like Aiden had taken a piece of me with him and I didnt know how I'll be able to live without that piece...or him.
"What are you saying?" I chocked out. "Are you saying my baby is dead?"
"I'm sorry Ma'am. We tried to revive your son but it was too late."
I clutched Addison to my chest as I sank to my knees, still struggling to breath. An endless stream of tears poured down my face. I feel arms wrap around me and I cant help but hope its Harry's but I'm further crushed when I glance over my shoulder and see Taylor holding me. I want to be thankful for the comfort but right now, pain consumes and overwhelms any and every other emotion.
"Can I see him?" I begged.
"I dont know if thatd a good idea right now." The doctor looked unsure.
"Please Dr.Barnes , please. I need to say goodbye." I sobbed. Although, I dont think I can ever bring myself to really say goodbye. Its too final.
Seeing my desperation, Dr.Barnes reluctantly agreed and nodded for me to follow.
Taylor picked up my lifeless body and kept his hands on me so even after I was on my feet to make sure I was able to stay upright on my own.
"Do you want me to take Addison?" Eleanor offered, trying to control her own tears. I nodded as my arms felt empty now that both my children had been taken from me.
The doctor lead us to a closed door then hesitated before opening it. "Are you sure you want to see him like this?"
"Yes." My voice broke.
The doctor nodded solemly then opened the door, exposing Aiden laying on a bed in the middle of the room. His tiny body was hooked up to lots of tubes and wiring and the harsh light above him enhanced his pail skin. I approched the bed slowly and stood over his motionless body and I couldnt help but watch for movement. A breath, blink, twitch, anything to indicate that this was just some cruel joke, But Aiden remained still.
I leaned over the bed and smoothed his hair down like I always did and continued to cry, feeling like I was drowning in the pain and sorrow of the sight of Aiden like this.
"We'll give you a few minutes alone." I heard the doctor say distantly but I was too overcome with grief to acknowledge it.
I would never hear Aidens first words. He wouldnt take his first steps. I'd never see him go to his first day of school. Aiden wouldnt have his first kiss. He wouldnt graduate or get married or have kids of his own. My son wouldn't get any of those experiences because his life was cut short under my watch. I'd failed as a mother. I had failed Aiden.
"I love you so much." I told him, hoping somehow he would hear and understand me. "I've never regretted having you for a second. You and Addison are the best thing to happed to me. I know your father feels the same way, wherever he is. You'll always have a special place in my heart and we will never be able to truly let you go. This isnt goodbye forever, this is only temporary. I will always love you." Once I was done. I gave him a delicate kiss on his forehead and stayed with him untill the doctor returned.
"Do you need more time?" He offered quietly. I wasnt ready to leave my baby.
"Yes please."
"Take all the time you need." He nodded and went back into the hall where he was talking to Taylor and Eleanor. I heard snippets of the conversation like "autopsy" and "funeral". I'll have to ask Eleanor about it later. For now, I just wasn't ready.
I could hear familiar voices coming from down the hall and there was the small hope I still had that it would be Harry "Sober up mate, she cant know where you were last night." I could hear that voice clear as day echoing through the hall outside the room. It was Louis.
"I know." I finally heard the voice I've been waiting to hear all day and I was suddenly regretting ever wanting to. Unfortunetly, Despite what Harry has supposedly done, I couldn't help but feel relief I felt that Harry was finally here.
"Harry, you really shouldn't-" Eleanor was cut off by Harry bursting into the room. All that could be heard was my sharp intake of breath at his appearance. His hair was a mess, his eyes were bloodshot, and his shirt was stained. It looked as if he'd spent the night in a bar, which I'm sure is the case.
Harry stopped in his tracks at the site of my tear soaked face. He swallowed hard then took a hesitant step forward.
"Sara, whats going on?" Harry asked, his voice breaking.
"Sara!" Harry cried when I remained silent. Wiping more tears away only allowing for more to fall. I moved aside so he could see the view I was blocking.
Harry approached the bed, his eyes trained on the bed while tears weld up in his eyes. He finally stood next to me, trying to process what he was seeing.
"Is he gone?" I looked into his eyes and the feeling I got was indescribable. Harry looked like a completely different person. His eyes were a different shade of green that I cant ever remember seeing. His bottom lip began to quiver and I don't need to say anything; he already knew.
After a moment of silence, he threw his arms around me and was sobbing into my neck. Our problems are non-existent right now, we are just two parents grieving the loss of their son.
I dont know how long we stood there but eventually the doctor re-entered and told us Aiden needed to be taken care of. I nodded but my feet stayed planted so Harry had to take me out. He led me to the parking garage with the others trainling behind. My head begins to pound with so many thoughts, feelings, and emotions that its hard to think staright. I cant bear to think about what is going to happen when I return home. Our lives will never be the same.
Before we reach the car, I start to smell the strong oder of alcohol. I slowly remember inhaling the horid smell back in the hospital room. I disticly remember Louis talking to Harry before entering the room and I cant help but remove his words from my head: "Sober up mate, she cant know where you were last night."
I stop dead in my tracks and I remove Harrys arms that were previously around my aching body."
"Harry where were you last night?" I demanded. He looked back at me and I couldnt figure out what he was thinking about.
"I just crashed at Eleanor and Louis' place." Harry lied. I know for a fact he was lying because otherwise Eleanor would have said something. Its not just the fact that Harry lied to me but the fact that he would lie to me after all we just went through.
"Bull shit!" I screamed, my voice echoing through the parade. I become so angry my hands shook. "I heard what Louis said. Now tell me where the hell you were!"
"We just lost our son and youre already trying to start a fight with me?" He demanded, trying to guild me into not asking anymore questions.
"We just lost our son," I bit back. "And your already using his death as an excuse to not be honest with me." He recoiled at my accusations. "You're in no position to be lecturing me about honesty."
"Either you tell me or I'll make Louis do it." I threatened. Harry remained silent so I turned on my heel, planning to carry out my threat but he grabbed my arm and stopped me.
"I went to the bar and spent the night at a friends house, happy!?"
"What friend because all your friends were trying to find you and bring you to where you were supposed to be!"
"Alice." He had mentioned an Alice before; she was an ex girlfriend of his. They hadnt been serious, or so I've been told. His words would have broken my heart if it wasn't already shredded beyond repair.
"You gave up being with Aiden for the last time to drink and sleep with your ex girlfried!?" I screamed then noticed everyone else watching us awkwardly, unsure of what to do. I felt bad but not enough to drop the issue.
"I did not sleep with her!" Harry growled, running his fingers through his hair.
"Shocker." I muttered and Harry looked as if I hit him.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"You've kept us at arms length for a long time now. It wouldn't surprise me if you were cheating on me." I elaberated, my heart tugging painfully at the words. I feel like I'm most likely blowing this out of proportion but I have so much anger in me that was begging to be let out.
"I'm not cheating!" Harry grabbed my arms and forced me to look at him, showing his honesty. "I love my family; I need you guys."
"And we needed you!" I screamed, shoving him away. "We needed you when I called you fifty fucking times! We needed you in the ambulance when everything was falling apart! We needed you when the doctors told us Aiden was dead! But you werent there! Aided died in my arms and you werent there!"
Before Harry could say another word, I went to Eleanor and took Addison before leaving in the direction of Taylor's car. Taylor caught up quickly and cleared his throat.
"Are you okay?"
"No."
He nodded. "Sorry, stupid question."
"Can you give me a ride home?" So I can pack my stuff and get the hell out of there. I cant stay where Aiden took his last breath.
"I would but," He trailed off, looking hopeless.
"But what?"
"I dont have a car seat for Addison." Taylor explained.
"Shit." I muttered. This meant I will have to ride home with Harry. Gritting my teeth, I went back to Harry's vehicle after saying goodbye to Taylor and promising to call later.
"The only reason I"m going home with you is because you have the car seat but as soon as were home, I'm gone." I told him once I'd reached the car. Harry didnt reply but took Addison and strapped her in.
Meanwhile, Eleanor came up and hugged me. "I'm so unbelievably sorry, Sara. Are you sure you dont want us to come over? You shouldnt be alone at a time like this."
"I'm sure." I chocked out. "I just need time to grieve."
"Okay." She nodded. "Call us if there is anything we can do."
"Thank you Eleanor, for everything." I said then hugged everyone else, each giving condolances and me thanking them for all they've done. After the final goodbye, I got into the car and Harry pulled out of the stall.
"Are you even sober enough to drive home?" I sneered, itching for the fight to continue. Blaming someone else was easier than blaming myself because I knew, deep down that I had no one else to blame but myself. Aiden was in my care when he passed, I could have saved him.
Harry growled and squeesed the wheel so hard his knuckles turned white but gave no verbal response, angering me further. I knew that I was crossing the line so I bit my tongue. I shouldn't be making him feel worse to make myself feel better.
I faced my body towards my window, shutting down. It was better to retract into a numb state rather then facing the situation. Being numb was better than being in pain.
Soon, we pulled off the road into a deserted parking lot and Harry parked the car.
"What-" I started to ask but stopped when I caught sight of him. Harry was leaning forward and pressing his forehead to the wheel that he still gripped with both hands. The dam of tears seemed to have broken, releasing the built up tears in a rush like a tital wave. His whole body trembled with the emotion break down Harry was going through.
He looked much younger, the grief taking away the strong mask he usually wore. Harry had never looked so vulnerable or broken in his life.
Needing to comfort him, I gently pulled Harry back and crawled onto his lap. He accepted my embrace and continued to sob into my neck and encasing me in his arms. As hard as I worked to keep myself emotionally detached, I couldn't help but cry with him.
Once he was all cried out, Harry started to doze off so I made him get into the passenger seat and I drove the rest of the way home. When we arrived, I went into the house and filled a suit case. I went back out into the living room where Harry sat on the couch, cradling Addison. I didn't want to leave her but I need time apart from everything.
"You're still leaving?" Harry asked, eyeing the bag. His voice was still weak and shaky.
"I think we need some time apart." I told him.
He swallowed hard before answering. "How long?"
"I don't know."
"Running away won't bring him back." Harry murmured so low I almost didn't catch it.
"I just can't be here right now. I see him everywhere in this house and especially in you. It's just too painful for me to be reminded of him."
Harry stood there still holding Addison and trying his hardest not to cry. "You don't think it's painful for me too? We all lost Aiden."
"And we are all going to deal with it in our own way. This is my way of coping." As I spoke, I picked up the bag that sits by my feet and I went to the door.
"Please don't cut yourself, Sara. I lost Aiden, I can't loose you too." His words stopped me. I hadn't thought about cutting myself, I just wanted to block the world out. The idea was tempting but could I bring myself to do it again? My cutting was what caused our fight yesterday, after all. Relapsing may seem like a solution at this moment but it would cause pain and problems for myself later on. Was I willing to pay that price?
"That's not what I meant." I told him, kicking open to front door.
"Or have I already lost you?" Harry asked and another flash of agony ripped through me, knocking my breath away.
I don't know if it was because of my lack of oxygen or lack of answer but for whatever reason, I remained silent. Instead, I got into my car and drove away as fast as I could, leaving Harry broken on the doorstep with our baby in his arms.
I drove to a hotel and went into the stale smelling room as quickly as possible, throwing my bag on the floor and not caring where it landed.
My head feels as if it will explode at any given moment. In every was possible, I was completely drained. It was like there had been a small leak and someone had torn the hole wide open, letting all the energy escape in one big gust.
My body ached for relief ad I paced the room. It would only take me a moment to get the razor and then sweet bliss would follow but the cost had increased in the course of a few years. It wasn't just me anymore. I had friends, a family that cares about me and I was selfishly causing them pain to take mine away.
I was so confused, and pain and most of all, in agony. Aiden, my son, was dead. Not longer with us. Gone.
Each breath I take feels like acid running up my throat and my eyes stung with tears I was unsuccessfully trying to push back. As much as I tried, I couldn't hold it back any longer. I released the overflowing dam of pain and I was crushed under its force.
This was it. This was my breaking point.