Broken- having given up all hope; despairing.
I've been tossing and turning all night...my back is killing me. I'm not the type of nigga to not sleep tho. Every time I'm close to dozing off, I wake back up fully and it keeps happening. I sighed and felt around for the remote before finding it and turning the tv on. It's close to being three in the morning so all the good cartoons are on. I flipped the channel until I got to 'American Dad' and relaxed, starting to watch it.
I leaned back against the couch and laughed as we watched 'American Dad' on TBS. We both are just up like some night owls, watching stupid shit on tv and laughing. He wasn't able to come over tonight due to him having family in town so I settled for a FaceTime call. "How is your back feeling?" He asked. "It's okay right now, it still hurts but it's fine." I assured him. I've been having horrible back pain for the past couple hours but it ain't nothing I can't deal with. I'm a real ass nigga at heart, ain't shit I can't handle.
I gotta piss. I rolled out of bed and grabbed myself, walking towards the bathroom. A noise came from nowhere and my ears were stunned. I held my hand up to it and looked around. It's wasn't anything making a noise so what the fuck?
I'm hungry as fuck.
"I'll be right back James." I slowly stood up from the couch and that's the one thing I'll ever truly regret in my life. Everything just seemed as if it was in slow motion and that made it hit me worst. Pee ran down my leg and when I looked down, I thought 'my pissy ass!!' but no...it's red....I looked back at where I was sitting and a huge blood stain covered the couch. At the realization of blood, sharp pains began shooting through my stomach, back, and thighs. I yelped out in pain and fell down to the floor, holding onto my stomach. "Senia you good?" I could hear his phone shuffling. I began to sob and shake my head no then I forgot he wasn't here...Another round of pain shot through my body and i couldn't hold it in. I yelled 'help' and groaned, doubling over in pain.
No, please....no.
Dear god, everything that I have done in my life, I want you to forgive me please my father. I've been working on bettering myself just for this very moment and I do not want it snatched away from neither myself or her. I want for you to lay your healing hands across my son or daughter and to nurse them to perfect health if they aren't already in perfect health already. I want for you to lay your hands across my baby's mother as well, shes stronger than I already know so she'll survive this birth.
Amen.
I kept telling myself as I sat in the waiting room that she was going to survive this. The moment I received that phone call...my heart fell to the pit of my stomach. At first I was confused on why her friend James was calling me but then I just..my mind went blank. I rushed here as fast as I could and now they're telling me she's under going some procedure and won't tell me. I hope everything is going fine with the baby and her. I'll be damned if I lost either of them.
My eyes fluttered open and a white light shined into them. When did I go to sleep? I went to turn over but I felt a terrible pain in my stomach. I groaned in pain and turned my head slightly to the right of me. Hospital....
Everything recurred to me..I went into labor. Where is my baby?? I turned my head to the right of me and the curtain was pulled closed and the door was open. I slowly moved my hand to the remote and pressed the nurse button a couple times. Where is my baby? I didn't call chris...oh shit. I hope h- of he will be. He didn't get to see his first child being born. The curtain slid open slowly and a younger white lady walked inside. "Hey honey, is everything feeling fine?" She approached the bed and looked me up and down slowly. "No...my stomach hurts like hell.." "Yeah the stitches will dissolve in a few hours. The C-Section went the correct way s-" wait. "C-Section? Where is my baby? Oh my god! Is it a boy or a girl!?" I became excited and sat up in my bed. I don't even care how much it hurts, I'm ready to meet my pride and joy!! She kinda took a step back from my and looked to the ground. Her whole demeanor changed and she held her hands together.
"I'm sorry but...you had a miscarriage Ms.Kenson."
That sentence will play in my head for the rest of my life...
I frowned and held my hand to my chest. "E-excuse me?" I began to choke up. My throat formed a lump in it as she repeated those four words again....
Eight months....of carrying a child and I miscarried...this can't be true...
"You're l-lying to me!!! I want to see my baby and I want to see him or her now!!!" The tears began to stream down my face as I spoke. A couple of other people ran into the room to get me calmed down but I wasn't calming shit in that moment. At that point I had grown a close bond with that baby! I was all ready to go through the breastfeeding stage, the long nights, the diaper changing, all of that! All for my stupid body to reject my baby basically. I wouldn't stay still so they slipped me something through my IV that knocked me right out.
I could hear someone yelling and screaming 'No' from a couple rooms down the hall a couple minutes ago but now the person stopped yelling. It didn't click in my head that it was Senia until a nurse came out and approached me. "Sir you can now come sit with her. She's asleep right now and will be up shortly." She gave a tight smile and gestured towards the room. "Thanks.." I instantly stood to my feet and practical ran to the room to make sure she was okay. I walked inside and for one, didn't see a baby anywhere in here and for two, she was laid sloppy like across the bed. I'm guessing the baby is in the nursery...I grabbed Senia by her underarms and pulled her up so that she was in a more comfortable position and fixed the covers over her. She's probably been through so much pushing and stuff. I can't wait to see my baby girl. I pulled a chair up next to her bed and sat in it, waiting for her to wake.
I'm a father...A dad...A daddy. I been that but that's another conversation.
Time passed and the last thing I remember is being put down like some type of animal. I opened my eyes and Chris came into view. He was staring straight at me with a small smile on his face. What is he smiling for? "Hey..." he trailed off. "Hey...how long have you been here?" I slowly sat up some more against the pillow. He's thought for a second before speaking. "Well I came speeding as soon as your friend called and said you were in labor. He left early on cause he felt weird I guess." He shrugged. "I've been waiting on them to bring the baby in but they still haven't said anything yet." He shook his head. My eyes immediately began to water and I looked down to my lap.
"Um....you know how..I was only eight months?" She looked at me with tears in her eyes. I nodded slowly and waited for her to continue. "Well I-I-I had a miscarriage." She broke down into a sob. My blood ran cold and I froze in my spot. My baby didn't make it? Wait this can't be.. "Senia...please say your joking right now." I stood to my feet and waited on her to say it was some type of sick joke she was running. "Why would I play about something like that Christopher!!! Our baby is dead and it's all my fucking stupid ass fault!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs and leaned over, crying even harder. I tucked my lips into my mouth and the tears slid down my face silently. "Baby baby stop it's not your f-" "Yes it is!!! If My body wasn't so..." She couldn't even finish her sentence before breaking down again. I sat down on the bed next to her and carefully pulled her close to me. She relaxed her head against my chest and cried like a baby. I cried with her just as much but in a quieter manner. I can't believe this...
The nurse entered the room a few moments later but she hesitated at first. Chris told her it was okay to come in. "I'm sorry for your loss guys, I sincerely am..I have all of the footprints and weight details about them right here if you would like to view them." She held the papers out towards us. I reached for them and began looking at them. There was four footprints...Everything was written twice....
"We had twins?" I frowned as we looked at the paperwork. How come the doctors never told her that? "Yes. One was a girl and one was a boy. The blue ink is for the female and the red is for the male. I'll leave you guys alone so that you can review those." She gave a nod and exited the room. We were both still in shook.
"T-Twins?" I frowned while changing the page. He nodded and sighed, rubbing his hand across his face. "This is a lot to take in right now." My little girl weighed 6lbs 12oz and my baby boy weighed 6lbs 11oz. Their foot sizes were close to the same size and the paper work stated they were fraternal twins. My poor babies didn't get to make into the world to even see their parents. I leaned my head against his arm as the tears slid down my face.
I want my babies back...."I-I know this is a lot to take in right now..I just want you to know that I love you and I will be with you every single step of the way. I'm upset as fuck we won't be able to raise our children like we planned but we can't question gods plan...." She nodded her head slowly to everything I was rambling about before lifting her head and looking me in my eyes. We stared at eachother for awhile, just appreciating the silence around us before breaking away and sighing.
This is something I won't ever be over.
Why didn't he take me instead?