Overwhelm- defeat completely.
"Where are we going anyway? Why are we leaving Virginia? Are you kidnapping me!?" She sat up in her seat and looked around the car. I just side eyed before turning my head back to the road and turning the music up.
She reached and turned it back down, looking at me. "Where are we going?" I don't really wanna tell her, just going to pull up and she'll figure it out. "Sit back and you'll see." I hit the gas, speeding up to 85mph.
Not going to lie, I'm nervous for what's about to happen. But eventually it was going to have to happen.
>>>
Forty Five more minutes had passed and we were three minutes away from our destination. This long stretched out road seems like it will never end. It's away from all civilization and surrounded by tall crops. The building started to come into view and Senia was alert. As we came closer and closer, my stomach began to turn and I felt slightly lightheaded. I'm scared yet excited for this.
The abortion clinic I chose is out of state because they were the cheapest and they get the job done fast.
Nah I'm just fucking with ya.
"Prison? Your mom is here?" She looked over at me. I nodded slightly and turned into the parking lot, looking for a parking spot close to the front so she doesn't have to walk that much. "You look pale...hurry and park." She said with concern. I do? I'm that nervous? Why am I so nervous, it's my momma.
I parked in the second row away from the door and turned the car off, taking a deep breath. My palms were sweaty and I was slightly shaking. "Hey, it's going to be okay." She leaned over and pulled me into a warm hug. I'm acting like a pussy. It's just my momma! "I don't know why I'm acting like this..." I took a deep breath, staying in her embrace. Her touch made me feel better somewhat. "It's only natural. Just relax. At the end of the day, she's going to always be your mother no matter what happened." I nodded and pulled away from her, running my hand up and down my face. I got this. How bad can she be right?
"Welcome to Kentucky's State Corrections Facility, if you could remove everything from your pockets and put them inside of one of these bowls, that would be lovely." The front desk officer greeted us. I took my keys, wallet, and phone out of my pocket and did as told, so did Senia. We walked through the metal detector one by one. "Alright, you're all clear. Who are you guys here to see?" She looked at me with a smile, winking. Oh lord if she knew, she wouldn't. "Uh...Janeice Clementine." I said in a unsure tone. A damn shame I don't even remember her name. She did a couple taps in the computer and grabbed a badge that said "Visitor" on it. "Alright and who are you here to see?" She looked at Senia with a blank expression. "I'm with him." She held her hand out. She looked at Senia for a second the at her stomach. "Oh I didn't know." She held it out to her. "I bet you didn't bitch." She snatched it and attached it to her jacket. I grabbed Senia and pulled her towards me, giving the lady a smile. "Which way Ma'am?" She pointed to a elevator on the right. "Up to the fifth floor and she'll be out."
I quickly walked us over and pressed the up button. "You gotta chill baby." I chuckled and let her go. "I'll beat that bitch up while she on the clock. She knew I was with you." She walked inside first and I followed behind. I took a deep breath and balled my hands into fist. It's the first time in roughly fifteen years that I've seen my mother. She's been in prison for both my brother and sister deaths and I hate that she had to find out like this. I guess life has consequences huh?
It seemed like it was taking forever for the elevator to get to the fifth floor. It was quiet while she held onto my arm, giving me a reassuring look. I got this. It's just my mother.
The doors opened and we exited, looking around. It was kinda like a isolated living room setting. It was multiple chairs around multiple tables. There was two TV's on both sides of the room and it was clean. "I wasn't expecting this." She mumbled while leading the way to a table off in the back. "Me either." We sat and took in our surroundings. A couple families were in here. One with five people surrounding a older lady. The other with one person with an inmate. I thought it was going to be some high tech security systems with bar doors everywhere. A guard sat at a desk in the front corner, reading a magazine and occasionally looking up.
"You put me in this outfit to meet your mother?"She looked herself up and down, pulling on her shirt. "I couldn't find anything else!" I whisper-yelled. "Nigga I have plenty of clothes! Plenty! This just lets me know to never let you get our baby dressed." She shook her head, sliding down in her seat. I sucked my teeth and as I was about to speak again, someone cleared their throat behind us. We both looked back and there stood the woman that pushed me out. I froze up and just stared at her, in shock. I haven't seen her face many years before she got locked up. It's just...
"Are you just going to stare at me or give me a hug?" She held her arms open, smiling. I hesitantly stood up and turned to her, slowing walking into her arms. She embraced me and I just stood there. I don't know what to feel or how to feel about this...
I have to keep telling myself that everyone makes mistakes, you just forgive but never forget.
I can't buy that shit once so ever. I have so many questions to ask her that my brain is about to explode.
"It's okay baby. Mommas here." She rocked us back and forth. I didn't even realize I let a tear escape. I'm crying out of anger. She's doesn't deserve that title once so ever. I pulled myself from her arms and took a step back, shoving my hands in my pockets. "Um, this is my mother Janiece, Janiece this is my girlfriend Senia." I gestured towards both of them and took my seat. "It's so nice to meet you." Senia smiled and held her hand out. She stared at her hand for a second before grabbing it and giving it a lousy shake. I seen Senia's eye twitch but she kept her composure for my sake.
She took a seat next to me and folded her hands on the table, looking me in the face. "You don't know how happy I am to see you Christopher. Mommas boy is all grown up!" She squealed, grabbing my hand. "Uh yeah...grown up." I fake smiled and looked away. "So tell me, how has life been for you? Working?" Before or after you went ghost? Refrain from smart comments. "I guess it's been well. I have a couple business that I own and manage. Own house, own car..the basics." I shrugged. She looked taken aback and put her hand up to her chest. "You own businesses? With a S? Oh lord my baby is a millionaire! I'm so proud of you! Just to think, I thought you was going to end up like Celsey." She smiled, shaking her head.
Strike 1.
Hey Chris, it would wrong to put your hands on a woman, let alone your mother. Relax.
I felt Senia grab my hand and squeeze it, trying to get me to calm down. My face was getting kinda hot and my ears were as well. "You okay baby?" She looked at me with worry. I just nodded a little and sighed.
"I can sense some things from you....how long you two been together?" She looked Senia up and down. "Going on a year mother." Nice and simple. "Really? You've been committed that long? I thought you were going to be a little player all your life the way you used to bring them girls home! I guess you aren't your father child." She mumbled the last part. I just ignored her and looked at the clock.
Strike 2, you almost through.
"...is that a baby in her stomach?" She looked at Senia, raising a eyebrow. No it's a ballon dipshit. "Yes Ms. Janiece. I'm five months." She gave her a small smile. My mother just glared at her stomach and nodded. "Hm. And what do you do? Is it his?" She put her hand under her chin. "I own things of my own as well." She ignored the second half of the question and started to tap her foot against the ground. I would've thought we were on the fucking first 48 with all this shit she asking. "Good. He don't need no gold digging' ass little girl trying to trap him. Y'all need to go ahead and get married so the baby isn't brung up in a broken home. God forbid he takes after his grandfather." She looked off to the side and folded her arms.
Strike 3 and you're done.
"I wouldn't take any life advice from you're crackhead ass. How dare you come and try to make us feel bad for having a child out of wedlock? You left your fucking three kids on the street to fend for themselves! You let drugs take over your life and you expect me to sit here and take some advice from you? Yeah fucking right. I don't know who gave you a judging degree but you better get the fuck out of my face and fast." I slammed my fist against the table. "Hey quiet down over there!" The guard yelled across the room. "Sorry sir!" Senia yelled back to him and stood, grabbing onto my chair.
"How dare you speak to your mother in that manner? I'll be damned if something I pushed out and raised disrespect me to my face." She pointed her finger at me and tightened her lips. I laughed and shook my head, standing. "You ain't raised shit but my blood pressure. I thought coming here would give me some closure but fuck that closure and fuck you. Kick rocks and don't smoke them this time." I pushed the chair in roughly and stormed off down the hall. "Wait!" Senia yelled after me. I was extremely to heated to care about anything right now. I drove my fist straight into the cement wall and regretted it immediately. "Fuck!" I held my hand and winched in pain. "Why would your dumbass do that!" She grabbed my shoulder and turned me around. "Quit fucking touching me. Quit talking to me, Just quit being near me." I went for the door that said 'stairs' on it and walked down them, holding my hand.
I'm so angry at the world right now, it's ridiculous. This woman had the nerve to say she raised me. Then she brought up my brother, like he was a bad guy or something. Man fuck her and I hope she rots in hell. Celesy broke his fucking back for me and my sister and I wish I could repay him for it all. He was the ONLY male influence in my life that taught me what it was to be a man. Yeah, he may have done some fucked up shit in the process but that's what happens when you're forced to take care of children you didn't make. If she wasn't busy sleeping with niggas and putting a fucking pipe to her mouth, she would've watched all of us grow to be successful.
My father is a dumbass right along with her! How could you give birth to someone and just up and leave? Not give a shit about them? How could you live your life knowing your blood is out doing god knows what? It baffles me.
I want my sister back. She was my bestfriend, my life in human form. And it was all taken away by a worthless ass boy that couldn't take rejection. She did just as much as our brother did to make sure I was straight after Celesy passed. Why can't they still be here with me? I want to pay them back for all that they sacrificed to make sure I was straight.
I wish I could go back to August 24th, 2008 and it would've ended right there. I wouldn't have to deal with all the pain that not having these people in life has put me through. If I would've just been left in the ally a little while longer, I would be at peace.
No, I'm glad I survived that suicide attempt and the many others following it. I wouldn't have met the person I've been waiting to change my life. She has given me so much to live for, it's ridiculous. I will never understand how I could continue to do her dirty when she has given me her all plus some. The men species is just a abomination to the world and I'm one. I can't keep fucking around on her...because once I finally lose her, that's it. She's not going to take me back because once Senia is done, my baby is done. She's given me to many chances for me to keep acting like this.
Coming clean, is what it is...