Co-Author's Notes
Self-harm warning: This chapter contains implications of self-harm.
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3 days later [Yukina's POV]
Me and the rest of Roselia are currently sitting at a table at the CiRCLE cafe, discussing room for improvement in our performance when suddenly, a lady in a suit approaches us.
"Hello, are you Roselia?" She asks.
"Yes we are, what is it that you want?" I reply.
"I've come here to offer you an invitation to play at the Sweet Music Shower tomorrow. If you are able to make it." The lady asks as she holds out a piece of paper.
"Sweet Music Shower?" Lisa questions as I take the paper from the lady.
"We should be free at that time tomorrow, we will take you up on your offer." I answer.
"Thank you very much Minato-san, I look forward to your performance tomorrow." She speaks excitedly.
"We will show you the power of Roselia." I say with force in my voice. After the lady leaves I turn to Lisa to answer her previous question.
"Sweet Music Shower is a music competition where many compete and the best performers are very likely to perform at Future World Fes."
"Ah, That makes a lot of sense. Well, we're going to do our best as we always do. Right girls?" Lisa says with the usual cheer in her voice. I give a small smile to her optimism and Roselia's success.
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The next day
We're at the Sweet Music Shower event. We're currently waiting for our turn to perform as Ako is constantly squirming in anticipation, Rinko's as silent as ever, same for Sayo, and Lisa is looking at her phone.
"Okay Roselia, you're up." A staff member says.
"Thank you." I get up and walk past the staff member with everyone else in tow, we enter the vast stage with an immense audience all casting their gazes on us.
"We are Roselia, we hope you enjoy our performance. This song is, LOUDER." I take a deep breathe as I prepare to sing as the intro to the song is played... what's... this sound...? It's so... diluted... everyone is still playing as they normally do, so what's going on? As I'm singing, the audience seems to have also caught onto the discourse. Many people are getting up and leaving... what's happening!?
Things only continue to spiral out of control until... I can't... my voice... the song's unfinished... where... where did my voice go? Everyone else caught onto my lack of sound as we all stopped, I look out into the crowd in fear before I find the nerve to speak again.
"We're sorry for that terrible performance..." I say before walking off, leaving this terrible stage behind. There was nothing left for us there.
———————
5 Days later
Roselia was unsurprisingly unable to receive an invitation to Future World Fes from our poor performance. Ever since that day, a pain has slowly been rising in me that gets worse and worse as time goes on, my patience running thin.
"Ako!!! That's the same mistake as last time!" I exclaim as we stop mid practice. Sting.
"I-I'm sorry Yukina-san." Ako quietly apologizes.
"I hope you remember that if you're unable to keep up with the band, you will be let go." I say coldly. Jab.
"Y-Yes... I remember..." Ako slightly recedes.
"Now, now, let's calm down here. How about we take a break, yeah?" Lisa irritatingly implores.
"Too many breaks will cut into our practice, once more from the top." I rapidly shut Lisa down.
"I can't." Ako quietly retaliates.
"What was that?" I aggressively come back.
"I said I can't! No matter how many times I try I'll never be able to play that!" Ako speaks up.
"That's what a child would say, are you no longer dedicated to Roselia?" I snap back at her, Tears forming in Ako's eyes as she gets up and shouts. Stab.
"THIS ISN'T ROSELIA ANYMORE!!!" Ako yells as she runs out of the studio, I lightly shrug her off.
"Whoa, Ako wait! Yukina, why would you?" I quickly formulate my response to Lisa's question.
"Do you want to join her too? If so be on your way, we will not wait for anybody who falls behind." I state.
"Yukina..." Lisa slowly says before picking back up her Bass when.
"How could you?" I turn around to look at Rinko.
"What?" I demand an answer from her. Crash.
"HOW COULD YOU SAY THOSE THINGS TO AKO-CHAN!!!??? SHE IS RIGHT!!! THIS IS NOT ROSELIA ANYMORE!!!" Rinko storms out, likely after Ako. I fight the immensely growing pain I feel with each passing moment as I turn to Sayo and speak.
"Once more, from the top."
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2 days later [(Y/N)'s POV]
After leaving CiRCLE, I have nothing to do after school and I don't feel like going home yet. I often find myself wandering around alone with a downcast expression on my face. Things are only getting worse for me. Even Kenji, Saori-san and Miyuki-san are starting to notice that something's not right with me. My mind keeps wandering back to when Yukina, Sayo and Chisato left me. It hurts! My mind can't seem to focus on anything else. It's almost as if pain is the only thing I can feel right now. I'm tempted to get myself hurt, but I made a promise with Alisa that I wouldn't.
"I hate myself..." I tell myself.
"(Y/N)." A voice calls out to me and I turn around to see Alisa... with Lisa.
"Hey, (Y/N)." Lisa greets me and I remain silent. Seeing her causes me to panic as I can feel pain in my chest. I clutch my chest and take a few steps back.
"(Y/N), what's wrong?" Lisa asks me in concern.
"N-nothing..." I say while looking away.
Just then my hand throbs in pain, causing me to clutch it.
"Dammit..." I mutter under my breath. Alisa take note of this.
"(Y/N), roll up your sleeves and take your gloves off. Now." Alisa demands. I panic.
"Alisa, I'm fine." I say.
"No you're not. Do as I say, or are we keeping secrets now?" Alisa says firmly as her eyebrows furrow.
Without a choice, I roll up my sleeves and Alisa checks my arms and sees no evidence of self-harm.
"Take your gloves off." Alisa orders me.
I hesitate before I slowly take the gloves off of my hands then Alisa and Lisa immediately take note of my bandaged hand.
"(Y/N), what happened?" Alisa asks. I can hear frustration in her voice.
"I-I punched a mirror." I answer.
"Why?" Alisa asks.
"Because I was frustrated." I reply.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Alisa asks as looks at me straight in the eyes. I can see a look of betrayal in her eyes.
"Because I didn't want you to worry..." I say.
"Because you didn't want me to worry? Of course I would get worried! You hurt yourself!" Alisa exclaims.
"I didn't intend for it to happen! It just did!" I exclaim.
"How, do you just so happen to punch a mirror?!" Alisa yells at me.
"It just happened! I was so frustrated, I couldn't control myself!" I yell back.
"Look, I'm sorry. This is nothing, it won't happen again." I say.
Suddenly Alisa grabs me by my jacket out of anger.
"This is NOTHING?! Not only did you hurt yourself! You kept it from me!" Alisa yells at my face. "Do you know how betrayed I feel?!"
"Do you hate yourself that much?! Or do you just not trust me?!" Alisa yells.
"You don't understand what it feels like Alisa! You didn't have to break so many hearts at the same time!" I yell back in anger.
"Calm down you two." Lisa tries to intervene. But we're too heated to listen.
"So?! That doesn't excuse you from hurting yourself, breaking your promise and keeping it from me!" Alisa yells. "I trusted you!"
"I told you that I didn't mean to and I didn't want you to worry!" I yell. "Besides, I deserve to get hurt!"
"I'm getting so sick of your self-loathing! When the hell are you gonna stop doing that?!" Alisa yells.
"When I'm DEAD!" I yell back.
"Please you two, calm down." Lisa once again tries to calm us down to no avail.
"With how you're acting right now, it's no wonder the girls lost faith in you!" Alisa yells.
That struck a nerve. Out of anger I forcefully remove Alisa's hands from me and lift her up by her uniform jacket. Alisa's look of anger replaced by one of shock.
"(Y/N) stop!" Lisa yells at me.
"You think that I don't know that? You just don't understand what I feel, and you never will!" I say to Alisa while staring her in the eyes right before shoving her to the ground.
"Aghhh!" Alisa exclaims in pain as she lands on her back.
"Alisa!" Lisa exclaims as she runs to Alisa's side.
I then notice tears in Alisa's eyes and suddenly all the anger I felt disappeared, replaced by guilt.
"What have I done..." I quietly say to myself.
"Ow..." Alisa let's out as she sits up.
I just hurt my best friend. The one person who I can count on. The one person who I care about more than the girls. What kind of person does that? What am I? I'm a monster. I'm a monster who just hurt his best friend.
I don't even deserve Alisa.
"I'm a monster..." I say.
Unable to bear the guilt I feel.
I run away.
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[Alisa's POV]
"(Y/N)!" Lisa yells after (Y/N).
"Don't." I say as I grab Lisa's wrist. "Leave him be."
"What? But-" Lisa says.
"I doubt he wants to see us with what just happened." I say as I hug my knees. "Besides, both of us could use the time to think about what we've done to each other."
"I said something that I shouldn't have to my best friend, and because of that, he hurt me. We're both at fault." I say as I begin to cry.
"Alisa..." Lisa says.
"L-let's just give him some space for now." I say as I continue crying.
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10 minutes later [(Y/N)'s POV]
After running away from Alisa and Lisa I reach a small bridge in the park. I stop at the side of the bridge to catch my breath. I roll down my sleeves and put my gloves back on. I stare at my hands and immediately remember what I did just minutes ago. I fought with my best friend, and it ended with me shoving her to the ground and running away. I'm just a huge mess now aren't I? First, I broke Yukina, Sayo and Chisato's hearts. Then I leave CiRCLE and actively ignore the rest of the girls. Finally I just hurt my best friend.
"What has my life become?" I quietly ask myself.
I turn to the side of the bridge and look down. Below the bridge is cement floor. From what I can see, it should be about 2 floors tall. Just enough to hurt and possibly break something. Suddenly thoughts telling me to punish myself start to invade my mind once more. Telling me to jump down and get myself hurt. To punish myself for everything I've done for the past couple of days, especially for hurting my best friend. I look down at the ground and stare at it as the ground seems to stare back. I deserve to get hurt...
"(Y/N)-san?" A nervous voice calls out to me. I turn around to see Rinko looking at me with concern in her eyes.
"What... are you doing?" Rinko asks me.
"I was thinking... about jumping..." I tell her honestly as I look back down. I don't even have it in me to lie.
"Jumping!!" Rinko says in shock.
"Yeah. I'm not going to die, but it sure as hell is going to hurt." I say as I continue staring at the ground.
"Why would you... think of doing that?" Rinko asks.
"Because I deserve to get hurt." I say.
"Why... do you feel like that?" Rinko asks.
"Because Yukina, Sayo and Chisato... they asked me for my decision and when I couldn't make one, they got impatient and left me. Then I left CiRCLE and actively ignored all of you because I couldn't face any of you and thought that you'll all leave me soon. Then I just hurt Alisa after we had an argument minutes ago." I explain to Rinko, still not looking at her.
"(Y/N)-san..." Rinko says.
"I'm sure that you hate me too Rinko..." I say.
"NO!" Rinko yells as she suddenly hugs me from behind, shocking me.
"Rinko?" I say.
"I couldn't hate you..." Rinko tells me.
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[Rinko's POV]
"His Heart has a vaguely similar sound to Yamato-san's, I need to try to get her here." I think to myself as I desperately try to shelter (Y/N)-san from all the dangers of the world. My hand reaches for my phone as I quickly send Yamato-san the coordinates of my location.
"I need to stall him as long as possible until Yamato-san arrives." I think to myself as I try to figure out ways to do so.
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[(Y/N)'s POV]
"What do you mean you couldn't hate me?" I ask Rinko as she holds onto me.
"I know that you're only doing these things because you're hurting inside and you feel lost." Rinko says.
"But you don't deserve to get hurt. No, you deserve to feel loved. So please, stop hating yourself." Rinko tells me as she holds me tighter.
"..." I remain silent as I don't have anything to say. It's as if the words have run out.
"I don't like seeing you getting hurt. So please, stop saying that you deserve to get hurt." Rinko says.
"But what do I do? I... I don't deser-" I start before Rinko startles me.
"SOON YOU WILL LEARN THAT NOT ALL THINGS ARE EARNED!!! When you learn what it is to truly be human! You'll learn that family shares everything!" Rinko yells loudly.
"..." Once again I'm left speechless by Rinko's declaration. It takes me a moment until I find my voice.
"Not all things are earned..." I say in a quiet tone.
"Yes. If you love someone, you would give them your love." Rinko says.
I think about Rinko's words. I then remember the first day Alisa and I met, I didn't do anything to earn her friendship. She just walked right up to me and offered to become friends with me. She gave me her friendship.
"Like, if want to be friends with someone... You would give them your friendship." I say.
"Yes." Rinko says.
"Shirokane-san! (Y/N)-san!" A voice calls out to us and Rinko let's go of me.
"Maya?" I say as I look at her as she approaches us. She has a look of concern on her face before I see her resolve herself with a deep breathe, and a smile.
"Yamato-san, I'll be... going for a little stroll around the park... I'll be back..." Rinko declares.
"Alright Shirokane-san, thank you." Maya replies before Rinko walks away to go enjoy the scenery. My eyes lid slightly closer to being shut as I look off to the side. Facing Maya, my music tech teacher, wasn't easy after ignoring her all this time.
"H-how're you?" I ask her in an awkward manner.
"Really happy to be able to see you again. Would you like to sit down?" Maya asks to which I then take a seat on one side of the bridge. Maya following suit.
"I'm sorry... for ignoring you." I apologize somberly.
"Don't worry about that, but I would like an apology for making me run all the way out here since Shirokane-san sent your location. Fitness isn't my thing." Maya somewhat jokingly says, pulling a small and short lived grin for me.
"My apologies then... But... why? Didn't you leave me too?" I ask her in a somber tone
"You're my student, the boy I like, and also one of my best friends, I love and support you unconditionally." Maya positively remarks. Not all things are earned...
"Why would you?" I say as tears start to well up.
"Why would I what?" Maya returns.
"Why would you support a guiltless murderer?" I restate my question.
"Y-you've killed someone before?" Maya inquires.
"Well... no, but I almost did-" I say before Maya cuts me off.
"3 things. First, if you haven't killed, you're not a murderer. Second, you clearly regret it since you're using it as firepower to a self-hateful argument. Finally, I know what happened on the beach, you only react violently when provoked, that's called being human." Maya intelligently words.
"But... Why would you still? I ignored you... I betrayed everyone in Pastel Palettes and Roselia... And I hurt Alisa... Why would you support someone like that?" I say as my tears finally began to fall.
"Because I wouldn't support someone like that." Maya says while looking towards the clouds.
"W-what? I don't..." I voice out.
"You... didn't betray us... We betrayed you... You didn't hurt Alisa-san... someone using your body hurt her... just like this." Maya gently takes my hand and removes the glove. "Wasn't inflicted on you by yourself, but somebody else, using your body." Maya delicately puts my glove back over my hand then holds it gently with both her hands.
"And how would you know that?" I say as my last defense.
"Because I've been in the same place before, I still haven't completely gotten over it... but..." Maya says before she takes my phone out of my pocket. She's got a good eye for detail, as expected of my music tech teacher.
"I had my best friends, and little by little, I've become better." Maya says as she turns my phone on. 3 unread messages from Alisa.
Alisa: (Y/N), I'm sorry. I said something I shouldn't have and hurt you. I'll give you some space. I just hope this doesn't tear us apart. I don't want to lose my best friend.
Alisa: If you're wondering. Yeah, I'm okay, nothing broken. It hurt, but I'm sure it's nothing compared to what you're going through.
Alisa: (Y/N), please don't do anything to hurt yourself. Remember, I don't know what I'd do without you.
There was nothing left... nothing more to cling on to, I still haven't completely gotten over it. My mind jumps to all the times when she's stopped herself mid speech thinking she is rambling... There's nothing more that can be said, everyone has worked so hard to help me change in their own way. It's time I finally answer their call. The tears are on full display as I hug Maya and start crying as she gently combs my hair.
As the tears continue to fall I hear approaching footsteps and look up to see Alisa and Lisa. My legs are trembling too much to function. Alisa and Lisa approach us and we all hug and cry our pain away...
"I'm sorry for hurting you Alisa. I'm sorry Maya, Lisa..." I say as the tears continue to fall.
"I'm sorry too." Alisa tells me.
"But-" I say.
"Let's just agree that we're both at fault, and that we're both sorry." Alisa says. "I'm just glad your still here."
"I love you, you know that Alisa?" I tell Alisa.
"I love you too (Y/N)." Alisa says.
I respond by holding everyone tighter as we continue to let the tears fall.
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[3rd person POV]
"I couldn't help... I couldn't do anything... I couldn't save (Y/N) then, and now I cower away and leave Yamato-san to solve the problem... What am I... actually useful for?" Rinko asks herself as she slowly makes her way home, a red breadcrumb path following behind her.
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Author's Notes
Things got dark. We apologize if we triggered anyone.
Believe me when I say, it hurt us when we were writing this chapter.