Motivated- stimulate interest in or enthusiasm for doing something.
Seven Months Later
You'll never know how much you appreciate something until it's gone. I never would've thought I wouldn't be able to use the two legs I been using all my life again and it sucks. Well, let me not say 'again' because I've been working so so hard in physical therapy and I am making some progress, but I still can't walk yet. Speech therapy went smooth and sometimes I still struggle with stuttering but it's not as bad as it was in the beginning.
My trusty wheelchair gets me where I need to go without any issue. We are currently pressing on my leg strength and stability hard so that I can learn to start driving again because if you know me, you KNOW I hate asking people for stuff. That has to be one of the hardest challenges for me in this situation cause I have hurt myself a couple times trying to do stuff on my own all cause I didn't want to ask for help.
I had to get help taking showers, eating, getting dressed, all that. I hired my own caregiver for awhile for the simple fact I didn't want to make Chris feel like he had to do anything for me. That man has a life of his own and I wasn't going to slow him down because of my problems. We had to fight for it to happen but It did. Now I can do all that stuff myself and that makes me alittle bit happier.
He's been a major factor in my drive towards getting back to the old me just by being there. He has literally been to every appointment I have and I couldn't thank him more. It's sad that he is literally the only person I have but I don't have anyone to blame for that besides myself. All my life I pushed people away or never even let them in to begin with. My mother was the only person that knew everything about me, inside and out. Could never keep a friend because I'm simply not a consistent person and I don't like people. Now look at me. But 'everything happens for a reason' I tell myself everyday.
I've been at Maruice's house since I been home because he has a basic one level home. My house has stairs and I clearly can't get up them. I offered to help pay half of the bills but he won't let me. I offer to buy groceries, nope. It frustrates me that I can't just get up and go do shit myself! Oh my goodness I can't fantom it enough that I just want to be me again. I always, like always fall into these depressive episodes for days where I don't really speak, I just stare at a wall and get lost in my thoughts. I always say I'm going to roll myself off a cliff in this wheelchair.
I'm currently in the bedroom with the door closed because he has company over and I don't want to be around other people. I feel like I look stupid in this chair and everyone would be staring at me if I was out there. Just as I was thinking about something, he came into the room and closed the door behind him. I looked up at him then back down and started playing with my nails. I always blurt out something that's bothering me now too.
"Chris...Do you still love me?" I rubbed my thumb against my palm, looking at the floor. He sucked his teeth and walked into the connected bathroom, pushing the door up. "No." He said bluntly. My eyes immediately watered and I started to silently cry. Why would he tell me even if it's true? "Okay.." I started sobbing and rolled myself to the dresser, opening it. I heard the toilet flushing and then his footsteps come out of the bathroom. I grabbed a couple of my shirts and folded them up on my lap. "Are you crying? Baby I was just playing." My chair turned around and he was eye level with me. I took my hand and wiped the tears away while sniffing. "Don't play like that! I really feel like you don't love me anymore and you're just saying you do!" I busted out crying again.
One of the medicines I take also makes me very very very emotional and I'm always crying like a damn baby. I told my doctor but she said I gotta take it. "I promise you, I wouldn't be here with you if I didn't. Why wouldn't I love you Senia? Please tell me." He stood and walked backwards while pulling my chair with him so he could sit on the bed with me between his legs. I looked away from him and shrugged, looking down. "I don't feel pretty, I got all these ugly scars and marks now, I feel like I depend on you too much, I'm always being emotional, we can't have sex so I can't please you..I'm worthless." I shook my head. He snatched my head up so that I was looking at him. His eyes were low and puffy and he smelled like weed. "Listen. Quit saying bullshit like that about yourself or else I'm really going to start smacking you. You ain't worthless weather it's to me or in general. You are beautiful inside and out. I could give a fuck about those scars, I'm just happy they healed. I'm really going to need you to stop pushing negativity into yourself because you will never reach your goals you set for yourself if you can't have a positive outlook on the situation. I love you and I'm going to keep saying it. I love you, I love you, I love you, I fucking love you." He leaned in and kissed my lips with every 'I love you'. I smiled and looked him in his eyes just to make sure he meant it. "I'm about to make them leave so we can lay up and talk all night. I miss you." He let go of my chin and kissed the corners of my mouth before standing up. "Okay.." I watched him as he left out of the room and closed the door.
I rolled myself into the bathroom and took a quick shower and washed my hair. All that good stuff. Changed into one of his shirts and did my hair up into a bun. I actually need to get it trimmed again but not a top priority right now.
Thirty minutes after I was finished cleaning myself up, he came back into the room and left the door open this time. That mean everybody gone now. "Who you trying to get fine for?" He put his hand on his hip and looked at me jokingly. I locked my phone and looked at him, chuckling. "My man nigga." I stuck my neck out. "Mhm. Tell that nigga he can't have you and you mine now." He kicked his shoes off by the door and stripped out of his clothes, down to his boxers. I shook my head and watched him. I cleared my throat and made my voice deep. "That ass looking fat ma!" I started laughing hard immediately after I said it. He sucked his teeth and grab his towel, walking into the bathroom and closing the door. I had to wait on him to get in here now I gotta wait for him to shower too. He don't take as long as me though so I can't talk.
When I say I could never get used to how fine he is, I really can not. He walked out of the bathroom with the towel wrapped lowly around his waist and his skin was still dripping wet with water. His tattoos were looking so fucking kissable. I just wanna eat him up oh my fucking gosh. I'm mad I can't ridddddddeeeeee til I can't no mo! UGH I HATE MY LIFE.
"When is your next physical therapy appointment?" He dropped the towel and started putting lotion all over himself. I stared and watched him for a minute before it clicked in my head he asked me something. "Uh I think Thursday morning or Thursday afternoon. But I'll be working on my own tomorrow and Wednesday." I looked away from him and tossed my phone onto the bed. "Okay. Do you feel like you got it?" A hint of concern peeked through his tone. I nodded and made sure my chair was lined up with the bed before locking it in place. I placed both my hands on the bed and took a deep breathe, trying to calm the nerves that were about to make me panic. I've been putting myself in the bed but I fell last night because I didn't feel like waking him up to spot or help me..hardheaded I know.
I lifted myself up and fell forward onto the bed before flipping myself over and sliding my way up to the head of the bed.
"Good job baby." He hung his towel up in the bathroom and turned the light off before walking over to the bed and sitting down on his side. I pulled the covers from up under myself and put them onto of myself. "Wait slow ya roll lil hoe, you supposed to be laying up with me. You laying up with yaself." He snatched the covers off of me and laid down close to me. "Maurice I'll smack you in the mouth if you call me a hoe again." I mugged his head. He kept quiet and adjusted me so that I was laying halfway on top of him and my head was resting against his bare chest. "Hoe." He quickly grabbed my hands before I could smack him. He already know. "Turn the goddamn light off." I tried to move my hands out of his but he wouldn't let go. "Promise you won't hit me." He looked down at me. "I promise." I looked at him and poked my bottom lip out. He slowly let go of my hands and reached over, twisting the light off. The room was now pitch black and I couldn't see a damn thing.
It feels good to be this close to him. To smell his scent. His arms wrapped around me and my head rested against his chest. Our breathing being the only thing you can hear in the room. It lasted like this for awhile before he broke the silence. "What's on your mind?" He spoke in a soft tone. "Everything...." I closed my eyes and sighed. "I'm listening..this is our time to talk to each other." He slowly ran his hand up and down my back. "The usual...how long will it take before I accomplish my goals? Will I go back to school once I'm healed, will I ever be healed? I know I will, it just feels like I try so hard and it just hasn't worked yet..." My mind wondered off to thinking about what would've happened if I wouldn't have survived the gun shots....
"I want you to stop stressing over the future and worry about the right now. You're doing what you need to do now in order for the future to be a breeze. You do this when I'm here and when I'm gone and that shows your determination. God wouldn't have put you in this if he knew you couldn't handle it baby." I stayed quiet and took in everything he was saying. "When you look up, you'll be walking around this muthafucka like nothing happened. I promise you, it's sooner than you think if you keep working hard." "Thank you baby...I don't know what I would do without you. Like seriously. If you never would've came into my life, I never would've seen things from this perspective. Before I met you I never gave anyone the chance to even speak to me. Always blew people off and kept up a hard ass shell around myself. That night I seen you, I actually stepped out of my comfort zone approaching you because you were sitting by yourself. Usually when somebody sitting by they self immediately think of players club." I laughed a little before continuing. "Then you was staring at me and making me nervous and shit. In my head I was like 'I ain't no weak bitch why he got me over here nervous'. You putting me in place is what turned me on the most. The aggression..your face...the tattoos..lord you don't even know how much I'm attracted to you, not just appearance but personality. I never knew I would be saying this again because I'm damaged as fuck but I genuinely love you." I opened my eyes and looked up at him. I could barely see but I could see the smile on his face. "Got me smiling like a bitch." He leaned down and kissed my face all over. I laughed and playfully pushed him away. "I love you too mamas. I'm glad that I could be a change in your lifestyle. When you approached me, In all honestly I was thinking like 'another hoe' because of the environment we were in of course. I seen your body language on stage and I could tell that you thought you were a untouchable person. I made it my mission to get under your skin and make you fall but I never wanted to fall for you honestly...I just wanted to play mind games but It got to deep now look. I appreciate everything that you do for me. You're there for me when I need you to be the most and I can say I never had that. You gave me a new outlook on having someone to spend the rest of my life with. I wouldn't trade you for the world." My eyes were starting to water because nobody ever said that too me before. I've never been put on a pedestal before. "I'm going to marry you one day. Mark my words." He leaned down and kissed the top of my head.
Senia Brown doesn't sound too bad.