June 1995
My baby brother spent a lot of time with his dad. My Mom took advantage of the opportunity that with me she was never given. Ben married his girlfriend, and they started a family.
It was a beautiful day, great for camping or picnicking. Trevor was with Ben's new family, and I sat alone.
I needed an adventure.
I gazed out into the backyard, planning to put together a lunch bag to go to the park. I packed ramen noodles, cookies, and a juice box and walked myself to the fenced-in park around the corner from my house. I set up my things on a picnic table and eating a cookie. I took in my surroundings.
There was a mother with her young red-headed child playing in the sandbox. Two boys and a girl were climbing across the monkey bars, laughing, I put my lunch away, feeling out of place.
The young girl saw me, whispering to her friends before running over. "Hey, my name is Selina." She rocked the table when she sat across from me.
"Amaris," I whispered.
"This is Todd and his little brother Grant," she pointed to the boys who jogged up behind her. "Do you live in this neighbourhood? I've never seen you around."
Selina's loud voice made me cower. The things she said weren't frightening; she was not screaming in anger, but the pitch made my ears ring.
"I live over there, on the other side of the fence."
Grant nodded.
"I'm in the yellow and brown house," I added, hoping that would end the interrogation.
"Oh, we're in the big wooden apartment building," Grant eagerly divulged.
Selina shook her head and laughed. "Silly boys." She ran her hands through her hair. "It's nice to have another girl around here. It's all boys, you'll see. We should hang out.
I nodded, I had no words. This was uncharted territory for me. No one my age had ever reached out and tried to befriend me, once they saw my home life and my mother, people kept their distance, but these kids didn't care. Selina needed a female friend, and the boys were just doing what they could to keep themselves entertained.
We played at the park together for a few hours that day. I sat on a red ant hill, which put a damper on things, but not for long. We hid in the play structure and had conversations that were prohibited around parents.
The ending was unfortunate, as I had not told my sleeping mother that I was leaving when I ventured out of the house that morning. She arrived when I was leaving, twisting my arm as she yanked me home.
"You should have left a note or woke me up and told me what you were doing!" Jess shouted when we got home. "You could have been kidnapped!"
"I was bored. I tried to wake you up I and you got mad... I made friends."
Pacing the kitchen in front of me, she glared in my direction. "You can't just do whatever you want. You are not old enough to make your decisions! Go to your room."
Two hours later...
I heard my mother on the phone. Within seconds her voice turned frantic. She collected me, and we walked a few blocks to her friend Judy's house. There was screaming in the house and the crashing of thrown items.
Judy's home was tucked away at the end of a dead-end street. Her driveway bordered by a chain-link fence with enormous pine trees next door. It always reminded me of a fairy home, kept pure by its hidden location. That imagery would end today.
The front door was hanging on one hinge, and the lock lay on the floor in the front hall.
Jess put her arm in front of me. " Stay here," She said, running into the building.
Two minutes later...
Judy limped down the hall, pulling me to the other side of the driveway. "We need to get back. Your mother can handle Darren."
I folded the seams of my shirt, listening for the signs of life. Since my mother had gone in, there had been no noise. She was not known for her peaceful resolve, so it worried me.
She stepped out onto the deck with a baseball bat in her hand. She handed it to Judy. "He won't be a problem anymore. You will have to get your door fixed, though."
The next day, I woke my mother, telling her I was going to the park. She approved with a tired wave of her hand, which simultaneously said "fine" and "go away."
I walked to the store that was one house from ours. I got into the payphone booth and looked up lock-and-fix. When I couldn't find a lock-fixer, I called the operator, who directed me to a locksmith. I spoke to someone about my Mom's friend's broken door. When they asked for details, I had no answers, I only knew her name and that her door was broken.
I finished my call, leaving the phone booth for the park. The boys were sitting on a bench in the deepest part of the park.
"Where's Selina?" I had never been alone with boys my age. I never really trusted males.
"She left for a bit. She said she'd be back later." Todd stood, running to the monkey bars.
His brother watched me as Todd joined him near the play structure. "Is your mom mean?" He asked after a few minutes of staring.
Todd leapt down, swatting the back of Grant's head. "Don't ask that, stupid."
I shook my head. "No. Why?"
Grant gained distance from his brother. "Our dad said she was." He ran through a plastic tube to avoid being slapped by his brother.
Todd did not pursue him and instead approached me. "Don't worry, our dad whoops our ass too." He grabbed my hands and looked into my eyes for a second.
The eye contact dried my mouth. Pulling my hands away, I took a step back. "She's not mean, you can tell him that for me," I said, looking past Todd to his brother.
"Do you want to come for lunch with us?" Todd asked. "My parents work at the restaurant a street over, and they always get free food, so I'm sure they won't mind. But you don't have to if you don't want to."
"It'll be like a date," Grant giggled.
I blushed, shaking my head as I lowered my line of sight to the ground.
The chase continued. "When I get ahold of you, I'll kick your butt, Grant!"
They ran until they were breathless. That's when we started walking to the restaurant. We ate French fries with mounds of ketchup and listened to the grown-ups talk.
It was too good to be true. A friend of Todd's family ran into the establishment, breathing heavily. "Ama? Are you Ama?" The young man stuttered, looking in my direction.
"Yes," I replied, meekly.
"You better get home now! Your Mom is super pissed," he warned breathlessly.
My heart leapt into my throat at the mention of my mother. "How do you know my mother?"
"She grabbed hold of me outside her place two houses over and told me if I see her daughter, Ama, to tell her to get her ass home right now."
I shook in my seat, waiting for the booth to clear out so I could run home.
"You didn't even call to tell me where you were!" my mother cried. "I made chicken wings, and now it's pretty much a waste."
"I wasn't far."
"That's not the point!" She went back to stirring something on the stove. "I hope you're full because you're spending the rest of the night in your bedroom."
Sulking to my room, I laid on my bed. I wasn't full. It was rare that I ate enough. Spotting a piece of art I made for school, that had uncooked macaroni on it, I searched my dresser for a pack of crayons. Ripping the noodles from the page, I dug my nail into the colouring utensil, making wax shavings. I put the two together, pretending the colours were different flavours - blue crayon was blueberry, red was strawberry.
When the lights in the house were off, and all the noise had stopped, I snuck into the kitchen. I opened the cupboard that held the garbage bin, eating the chicken left on the wings from supper.