Something was always changing in the Phoenix household. It was like, whenever something happened the house could feel it too and adjusted. It was like it had feelings. Or maybe everyone's change in mood always meshed together and our attitudes were bouncing off each other. It was suffocating. After I "ran away" it was like suddenly everyone wanted to be nicer to me. Wanted to include me in things. Wanted to make me feel less alone.
It was suffocating.
Cameron all but dragged me to the movies with his group of friends which was just...weird. Cameron and I didn't talk much. Maybe sometimes when we were at home, about TV, or what we wanted to eat or just small mindless chatter here and there but we didn't talk. It was more so we made conversation because of the fact that I lived there. But I wasn't interested in forming relationships with these people.
I wouldn't.
I couldn't.
Riley had been an accidental bond formed by us sharing the same room. It was inevitable in my opinion. But I was distancing myself. At least I was trying. Riley was relentless. He was just like his father. Overbearing. Smothering. Suffocating. But sometimes Riley knew when to back off whilst Derrick wanted to prod and prod until you were shouting a confession.
I think the only person who just left me alone and didn't bother with me was Carter. The oldest out the three. He wasn't home a lot but when he was he goofed off with his brothers, talked with his dad, and drummed incessantly on his kit that was on the balcony. I thought that maybe he just didn't care. Didn't notice me.
But, I was wrong.
Carter was an observer. A snake in the grass. It was last night that he made it inherently clear that I hadn't slipped under his radar.
I was sitting on the balcony letting the cool air brush across my face. I thought everyone had went to bed, the Phoenix's slept early. I hear the door slide open behind me and seconds later a figure stands in front of me, in a T-shirt and sweatpants. Carter was tall. Unnecessarily tall. And it didn't help he was lanky. I could see the bit of tattoos coloring his arms as he crossed them over his chest.
He was looking down at me as I sat in the chair with my legs folded under me. Staring. Calculating. He and his father had that in common. It was unnerving being that we didn't talk that much nor were ever in each others presence long enough to not make it less uncomfortable. I pick at my fingers wishing he'd just go back inside.
"I feel like you think I don't notice you," Carter's voice breaks the silence. His voice was deep. Smooth. Almost sounding a little too old for his age, "I know we dont talk much and it probably feels like I'm not even here but I am, Aaron."
I swallow. His voice softens at the end when he says my name. The most interaction I can remember from Carter was a few weeks back when I decided to come back and they all came downstairs that morning and embraced me in hugs. Cameron practically squeezed me until I couldn't breathe and Carter simply gave me a quick side hug and a pat on the shoulder. As if to say "Glad you're back."
"Ok." it comes out like a question but really its the only response I can muster up. I didn't know where this was going.
"I know you're pregnant."
Time stopped. The breeze stopped blowing. Crickets stopped chirping. The honking below us stopped. The stars dimmed. I stopped breathing. But, in a second it all came back to me. My face blanked.
"I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe you have the wrong person because I'm not pregnant," I let out a laugh at the end but it comes out like a nervous guilty chuckle. I could feel my stomach churn as the lie slips past my lips.
Carter takes a seat at the end the elongated seat I was sitting on. His eyes bored into mine before he looked towards his drum kit on the further end, "When our mom was pregnant with Riley, I was young. Maybe like four or five, I can't really remember but I remember the way she acted before she told me and Cam we were gonna have another brother," he glances at me before turning around fully so we were facing each other.
"You've been eating a lot more than normal, more emotional than usual, you and Riley have been walking around here like you know some secret we all don't–"
"I'm a girl and all of that is what happens when you have this thing called a period," I bite out while he's talking but Carter only shakes his head.
"That pack of pads under the sink hasn't been touched in almost two maybe three months. It Hasn't even moved an inch from its spot. And not to mention I can hear you vomiting at all hours of the morning and the middle of night."
Suffocating. It felt like all the wind had been knocked out of me. Carter simply just watches me. Waiting for me to say something but I can't. Instead a tear slips past my eye before I can wipe it away but the others I catch before taking a deep inhale. The universe was against me, I was sure of it. It felt like pretty soon the entire house would know except for Derrick, and hell who knows maybe he already knows and was just waiting for me to say something.
"Aaron...How?" Carter voices the question softly. Simply just curious but I let out a bitter laugh.
"The last couple that fostered me was this rich white couple who literally couldn't give a damn about me but who cares, ya know? At least they're taking me in. And it was fine at first, really it was but I didn't miss the looks the husband would give me. It made me so uncomfortable but I didn't say anything because I'd rather be there than a girls home where they do nothing but beat up on each other and get trafficked."
"At first it was brushes of our skin and I thought I could handle it. Then it was groping and I kept trying to convince myself it was accidental and then one night...I guess he said fuck it and decided to just take what he really wanted from me. No more teasing himself. It was like that for months and I tried to stop it, and I tried and I fucking tried but at some point you just...give up. Its better than having some different do it every night."
"Aaron–"
"His wife...She caught us–caught him. I thought thank God, you know. She had been nice to me. Understanding sometimes. But then she screamed at me. Not him. They kicked me out. He usually wore condoms but the last few times he just didn't."
Carter stares at the ground his lips pursed in a grim line, "Why didn't you say something. Tell someone? Tell her if it had been going on for so long?"
My fist clenched. That was always the question wasn't it. Why didn't you do this? Why didn't you do that. Why didn't you tell someone. Why didn't you fight back. Why didn't you leave. Why did you drink so much. Why did you let them. They always ask the victims why they didn't do so many things but never the perpetrator why they raped.
"Did you not just hear anything I just said?" my voice cracks, "His wife caught him fucking a minor. Me. A sixteen year old girl and they kicked me out. She screamed at me. And then you have the nerve to ask me why I didn't say anything? You think thats the first time this happened? I've been in so many homes where they just take advantage of me and when I do say something I just get forced to leave. This system doesn't give a fuck about me, Carter. It doesn't care when I'm abused. It doesn't care when I'm assaulted. And it definitely isn't gonna care if I die. Thats just one less kid they have to worry about."
We sit in silence but it isn't suffocating. Its just quiet. Carter looks out into the distance like was trying to find his words. The tears I let out were drying against my cheeks.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did. I can't imagine what's that like," Carter looks at me with a sincere but serious look on his face.
"Be glad that you can't," I murmur back, my cheeks rested against my knees. My arms wrapped around them.
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know."
"Do you want to keep it?"
"N–I don't know."
"Dad–"
"You can't tell him. I can't tell your dad about this."
Carter runs a hand down his face, "Why? He can help you, Aaron. Whatever you decide to do he's going to help you, I know you know that."
I don't respond. He and Riley both told me the same thing but I wasn't sure why I didn't want to tell Derrick.
"You have to figure out what you want to do because soon one of your options won't be one anymore," Carter tells me before getting up and going back inside but not before giving my shoulder an assuring squeeze.
He was right. I did have to figure something out. After sleeping on it for a few nights I realized I would have to tell Derrick. Derrick was kind to me. Derrick was understanding. Surely he would understand this and offer me some kind of help or guidance.
"I'm pregnant."
"Derrick, I'm pregnant."
"I have something to tell you..."
"Can we talk? I have something I need to tell you–"
"I need help."
I murmur to myself about how pathetic it sounds as I splash my face with cold water.
Practising in the mirror was proving not to be helpful as I thought it would. I kept saying it in as many different variations that I could think of. I was going to tell him tonight. I promised myself and Riley that I would. I had been trying to muster up the courage to just come out and say it but whenever Derrick and I were alone nothing came out. We'd just mindlessly chat. He'd ask about my school work. About therapy. And right when I would think I could say it. I was afraid.
Scared of how he'd react. I just couldn't be sure. He could kick me out. Force me to do something I wasn't comfortable with. Riley had been trying to assure me he would help but hadn't he been using his resources enough? This could be the straw that would break the camels back and I just dont think I couldn't handle being pregnant and homeless.
A knock on the bathroom door startles me from my thoughts, "What–I mean, uh, yeah?"
"We're going out for dinner tonight, With Chase and his family I need you to be ready by six," Derrick tells me through the door and I grip the sink.
"Do I have to go?"
It was silent, "Yes, Aaron. He wants you to meet everyone. Is there a reason you don't want to go?"
I was going to tell you I was pregnant.
"No. I'll start getting ready."
"Alright, sweetie. We'll be leaving in a few hours."
Sweetie.
The word slipped off his tongue almost like it had been natural. Like, he called me it regularly. Like I was his. My lips twitched slightly before I frowned again. This wasn't forever and Derrick didn't want or need me as his own. He already had three living with him and a fourth that was grown. He didn't need another nor would he want another who had a fetus growing inside of her.
I clenched my jaw.
I was going to tell him. I promised myself I would. I promised Riley I would but how I could do that now? We'd be out with his family. That wasn't table talk. It was silverware clanking coming to a halt, dirty looks, and awkward silence for the rest of the night conversation. It would be embarrassing for Derrick and shocking to everyone else except Riley and Carter.
I could tell him after. He'd be in a good mood I suppose. He'd see his son. His daughter in law. His grandchildren. The thought makes me nauseous. It was hard enough having to adjust to simply seeing the four of them be so cozy. Now they were having a family dinner and to make matters worse I had to prepare for the impending thanksgiving dinner that was coming up in a few weeks give or take.
Being emotional was apart of being pregnant so as tears began to fall I let them without swiping my eyes. But then my grip on the counter tightens. My chest feels tight. I couldn't be around his extended family pregnant. I didn't want their dirty looks. Disapproving stares. It wasn't even here yet and I was already starting to get anxiety over it. I tried the counting exercises to bring me back down and eventually it works and soon I get into the shower to get ready for the night.