June 2005
Bayhollow, Ontario
Sunday morning I was at Anthony's house before anyone else, despite my hangover, I was anxiously awaiting a certain someone's arrival. I was watching tv with his family, when Anthony staggered down the stairs into the living room.
"Good morning," He mumbled. "You're here early."
I smiled at him and continued watching tv. How would I explain to him that I was never going to leave his house. Not until Patrick came back. I had to see him.
"I wanted to spend some time with the family, that's all." I lied.
Anthony grunted and turned for the kitchen. I followed behind him.
"How well do you know Annie's boyfriend?" I asked, and leaned against the kitchen counter.
He poured a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table. I sat across from him.
"Patrick? He's a good guy."
My heart fell. I needed more, the answers I was getting weren't helping. The little pieces of non-information were only feeding my want to know him more. The disappointment clouded my mind. I needed a breath of fresh air, followed by a cigarette. I walked to the side of the house, and sat in the shaded grass. I closed my eyes, and rested my head on the siding.
'Think positive thoughts, just let it go, there is nothing you can do to change this. Let it go." Giving myself a pep talk was all I could do to keep from running home to cry about my misfortune. I heard footsteps swishing through the grass accompanied by the scrape of sneakers on pavement. When the noise stopped I debated opening my eyes but chose not to.
"What are you doing?"
My eyes shot open. I looked over the tall, dark sillouette of a man standing in front of me. It was him. Patrick had returned.
"Just waiting for a friend." I lied. My heart raced. I started playing with my hair. I stood from the ground and wiped the grass from my pants. I didn't know what to do next. I followed him into the house.
Every seat in the living room was claimed. I was relieved to be alone for a few minutes. I stood in the kitchen. My thoughts were going wild. My anxiety wouldn't let me approach him. I had spent the last two weeks pining for his attention, but I couldn't be close to him.
I couldn't see myself in an attractive light. How would anyone else? I barely recognized myself as a human. If I were indeed a person, how could I have been treated so poorly as a child. Aren't children supposed to feel loved and cherished and not like a burden and time-consuming waste of space.
I left the house through the front door and returned to the grassy yard to think about the day. It was driving me mad that I still knew nothing about him. What would it take to get to know him? The sunlight on my face disappeared.
"Can I join you?"
My mouth went dry at the sound of his voice. My brain lit up like a well funded firework display. Every part of my body shook. "Yeah, of course."
He smiled and sat facing me. We picked grass and ripped heads from dandelions. "I guess your friend never showed."
We spent the rest of the day sitting next to the house. We chatted with friends as they walked by. Attracting suspicious looks.
"Where is Annie?"
"I don't know. I didn't tell her I was coming out today, so she's probably at home,"
"You don't mind that everyone is judging us because you shouldn't be here with me?"
He shrugged. "I don't care what they think. I haven't been able to hang out for a long time, and I thought today I would. It's better when she's not hanging off of me anyway."
I smiled. I knew that was code for 'help she's smothering me'. I was happy that he wasn't optimistic about the relationship. However, I also loathed myself for the joy that filled me at the same thought. "As long as it doesn't bother you."
"If they have a problem, they can come to me personally, and I'll kick their ass. We're not doing anything wrong, and I've only been seeing her for two weeks."