Cold. That was really all I could remember about the gel Ashley Hawkins spread on the lower half of my belly. She was nice enough I suppose with red hair and green eyes. Her freckles dotted her nose and cheeks and made her look younger than her thirty years. The two hundred dollars she had asked for was so her receptionist would keep her mouth shut. She took the money and turned the other way as Dr. Hawkins led Rylie and I, to my appointed room.
She did the basic things, checked my breathing, my weight, my blood pressure, my temperature, it was like a routine check up. Then she excused herself to say she was going to get the ultrasound equipment. My stomach twisted at that and I only looked up at bright lamp above me and to the ceiling.
Rylie had stayed quiet for the most part. He seemed nervous and whenever I would glance over he gave me a closed mouth smile and squeezed my hand. Ashley was quick to return and put on her gloves and turned on the machine before saying that the gel 'might be a little cold' as she instructed me to lift up my shirt. I shuddered when she pressed it against my belly and then closed my eyes tightly when I heard the rapid thud.
"That's the baby's heart beat," She told me and could hear the smile in her voice at the same time Rylie gave my hand a tight squeeze and I faintly think I heard him gasp in awe. I could feel my own heart pound against my chest and that feeling of wanting to throw up came back almost at full force.
In what seemed like forever Rylie had finally spoke up, "Is that..."
"That ... is the baby. Everything looks healthy but it's still a little early to tell the sex but if you'd like to come back in a month of two we'll be able to tell. Free of charge, of course."
My eyes were still closed. Tightly. I wondered if I could make them burst from their sockets with so much pressure. Rylie was encouraging me to look but I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes and peer to my right, 'I don't want to see it,' I had murmured to him and I heard him sigh before going quiet again.
When it was finally off the screen, Dr. Hawkins wiped down my belly and instructed me to pull my dirt down before saying she was going to the pictures printed for me to take home and prescribe me some prenatal pills. In her opinion, although it seemed healthy enough she said it could have been a bit bigger and they would help the growth process.
While I waited for Dr. Hawkins to return I couldn't bring myself to speak or even glance at Rylie. Instead I only told him to wait for me in the waiting room and call a cab for the both of us. We had been here for almost two hours not counting the hour it took to get here alone. He did so without putting up a fight and then Dr. Hawkins came back in with the pictures sealed in an envelope and the papers for my prescription.
"You'll be able to pick up the prenatal pills by tomorrow afternoon. And Aaron, I understand that this pregnancy isn't of the best circumstances but you are so strong for even coming here today. Make whatever decision is right for you. Its your life."
I only nodded before stuffing the envelope in my pants pocket not caring if I were to ruin them. I felt drained. Tired of it all. The bright lights in the room were giving me a headache and the sterile smell was too much. I gave her a thanks and made my way out and could see the taxi idling in front if the building while Rylie waited by the backdoors.
He asked if I had everything in which I nodded and we made our way inside the cab. The drive took double the time it usually would have because of traffic, the sky had darkened but luckily the driver had a heart and only charged us less than half of what the actual price was and told us to have a nice night.
Now, as we head inside the building and up the elevator that sinking feeling in my gut when we left comes back full force and I can't figure out why. It isn't the same as wanting to vomit. It's dread. Like I know something is coming. But I've been so careful. I don't do anything wrong or harmful to boys or to Derrick. No hiccups have happened since I've been here.
The elevator dings to our floor. Its too loud. We both step out but instead of hearing the television or video games like we normally do it's just quiet. A thud is in my ears but its not my own. It's Strangely quiet and Derrick stands in the living room with his arms crossed over his chest radiating authority and it makes my stomach churn even more than it already had been.
"Go upstairs Rylie," he instructs and Rylie does so glancing at me as he goes up the stairs silently asking me what's going on but I stay blank faced because I have not the slightest idea myself.
His parental gaze lands on me and he only gestures his head for me to take a seat and I do so wordlessly. Derrick pinches the bridge of his nose and let's out a sigh before sitting on the coffee table with his elbows on his knees.
"Are you ... Involved with anyone or anything you shouldn't be that I should know about?" His stare is accusing and it makes my brows pinch together.
"No," he sighs again almost like he's exasperated, "I don't understand what this is about."
He digs into this pocket and my stomach drops when I see the rectangular paper in his grasp. That feeling of dread turns into wanting to vomit and I look at the floor not wanting to give anything away with my eyes because I'm sure I'll burst like a damn if he even gets the slightest bit angry or shows that he know what's going on.
"What is this, Aaron? And don't say you don't know. Why is someone named Steven writing you a check for almost five grand?"
I swallow hard. This isn't happening. I can feel my heart thud against my chest. It's heartbeat still rings in my ears. I can feel sweat gathering in my palms. I can feel my throat closing up. Mr. Phoenix's earthy eyes look like a tornado was passing through them right at this very moment and I was the only one in the vicinity who would be getting the aftermath.
"Why were you going through my things?"
"Actually, I wasn't," he gives me a pointed stare like he knows I'm trying to turn this back on him, "I was gathering Rylie's clothes for laundry and that was on the floor. I know what a check looks like, I've written many of them and have had them written out to me and I couldn't possibly understand why a twelve or sixteen year old would have one. None the less written out to one of them specifically."
"I–It's...I don't want to talk about this. Its none of your business."
"Concluding the fact this person must be an adult and you're a minor and I'm your guardian it most certainly is. Now, is this man your boyfriend? Is he family? I know that a lot of young girls now a days are being influenced by this lifestyle of being with older men who have money ... Is that what this is?" Derrick looks as though the words make him want to vomit just as much as I did and I could feel tears prickling at my eyes.
"No! God, it's nothing like any of that. Just drop it. I wasn't even going to use it so you have nothing to worry about," I want to go upstairs. I want to just forget this day happened. I want to forget about the ultrasound photos burning in my pocket. I want to forget the sound of that heartbeat that's not my own. I want to just go back and clean the room up better.
"Who is this man, Aaron and why is he giving you this much money?" Derrick keeps on persisting and I know I just can't say it. Telling truth would bring me more unwanted stress. I'll be kicked out.
"I said it's nothing don't you trust me?" The words tumble out my mouth like a plea and Derrick doesn't even look phased by my words.
"No, I don't," there's a stinging in my chest that I can't describe or understand why its there, "These past few weeks you've been exhibiting a lot of behaviors that have me weary. You don't think I notice but I do. And I don't know what you're doing or who you're doing it with but I don't want you dragging my son into it more than you already have," His voice gets louder at the end of sentence and I feel small sitting across from him. I feel disappointed with myself. I feel betrayed by his words.
I can't tell the truth.
In a quick motion that not even Derrick could see coming I grab the check from beside him and begin ripping it to tiny pieces. I was ripping up my chance for survival once shit hit the fan like it is now. I was ripping up my ticket away from this city. I was ripping up rent for a small apartment. I was ripping up food and clothes. I was ripping up my lifeline.
"Are you happy now?" My voice cracks and the shreds of paper surround us and litter the floor, "If you don't trust me that's fine. I shouldn't stay here if you don't," I wipe under my eyes roughly before jumping up from the couch.
Derrick trails behind me as I make my way upstairs saying things I cant quite understand over the thundering in my ears, "Aaron, wait!" I push the door open to Rylie's room causing him to jump in fright from his spot on my bunk and I can't even look at him as I gather what I hope will suffice into the small tattered backpack I still kept sitting on the floor.
Tears still fall down my face as I frantically search around the room for everything I was looking for. I don't even realize Cameron and Carter are standing by the door watching as everything unfolds and I can't bring myself to care. Rylie stands in front of me as I sling the bag over my shoulder looking worrisome as usual. An expression I now realize is a replica of his fathers.
"What happened? What are you doing?"
"I can't keep dragging you into this okay?"
I push by him and past Carter and Cameron who look just as concerned. They all follow as I speedily make my way down the stairs and towards the elevator waiting for it to reach the floor, as i push the button over and over hoping it makes it come faster. "Aaron, please, just put the bag down. We can talk about this," came Derricks pleading voice and I only sent him a glare.
"There's nothing to talk about. If you can't trust me then I can't trust you either. You shouldn't have someone you don't trust around your children and you're right, I did drag Rylie into something he shouldn't be in and I'm sorry for that. You won't have to worry about me anymore," the elevator dings and I step into it pressing the 'door close' button repeatedly and watch as it closes on Rylie's angrily sad face, Carter and Cameron's confused ones and Derricks apologetic gaze.
Stepping outside once again im reminded that this is where I always end up. The streets. And unconsciously my hands press against my belly and for the first time in a while I hope that I haven't made the wrong choice by leaving.
•••
HELLO! SORRY!
To be quite honest I dont really have an excuse for why I haven't updated other than me being kind of lazy and a friend I'm very close with came back for Christmas break and I was spending a lot of time with them. Also I tweaked and deleted and rewrote parts of this chapter a lot I just wasn't loving it really but I think I found a compromise within myself.
I'm gonna get better at timely updates (hopefully).
If you're still around, thanks its appreciated. Don't forget to vote, comment, and share if you'd like.
- C.