December 2006
Bayhollow, Ontario
When I was given permission by my new foster family to have Renee over, I knew we would cause some kind of mischief. Well, I would cause trouble, and she liked to tag along. Often times she was the person who talked sense into me when my ideas got out of hand.
"Ok girls, I'll pick you up here at midnight," Marvin said. We closed the doors and watched as he drove away in his brand-new looking van.
We went to the mall and watched the parking lot for Patrick to pull up in his silver Pontiac. When he arrived, we hopped in and drove to the other side of town for an underage New Years party.
***
Carolyn staggered down the wooden steps into the unfinished basement of the house that her, and her mother had moved into only a few months before. In each hand, she held an open bottle of beer, "Happy New Years!" She downed half of a beer in one swig.
The chatter from the people, that were spread across the basement halted, and they each raised their drinks and hollered in response. Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado, kept the group moving, beverages in hand.
"Happy New Year," Renee said. She sat next to me upon the decrepit couch. She leaned in closer to me. "So, Janet and Marvin think we're at the movies?"
"That is where they dropped you off isn't it?" Patrick, my son's father and boyfriend of 16 months, quipped sarcastically from his spot on the opposite side of me.
"I wasn't talking to you." Renee rolled her eyes at his condescending attitude as she did with all of my boyfriends.
"I told them we were going to see Night At The Museum," I tossed my intoxicated weight to her side on the couch, "Do you think we should find out what it's about before we leave?"
She bumped her shoulder into mine hard enough to irritate Patrick. "I don't think it will matter if we find out what it's about." She laughed and leaned back into the cushions of the ripped, musty-scented couch. "You won't remember anyway."
I laughed along with her, then grabbed her leg with my hand and squeezed. "You know me too well." I closed my eyes and laid my head back onto the uneven cushion.
I allowed the lethal mix of beer and hard liquor to distort my reality. It fed me lies. It gave me false hope. The drunken state I had reached drowned my inner demons. My life had become useless, and I felt that I might fade away into nothingness.
I embraced the numbness. This wasn't a new sensation. All my life I had felt meaningless. My current situation simply personified that feeling. It reinforced within me the fact that I was no good, as I had been told before.
***
"What time is it?" Renee burst out onto the front step where a few people were smoking. "We have to go, Ama," she ran back in order to get Patrick to give us a drive home.
I wobbled a bit but caught myself before I landed on the snow bank behind me. Patrick darted out the door and grabbed my arm, pulling me in the direction of his car.
"Get in. We have to get you two back to the mall before you're supposed to be picked up," he said as he helped me into the backseat, and Renee sat on the other side at the back.
We pulled into the mall parking lot but didn't see the van that dropped us off, so we went inside. We sat around a table to wait, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
Marvin had his arms folded across his chest and an annoyed look on his face. "Where were you?"
Renee looked at me then back at Marvin, "We were—."
"Outside having a smoke." I continued, "You didn't see us because we went out front," I tried to keep a smile on my drunk face.
Renee shook her head as we stood from our seats and started toward the door. Marvin's appearance hadn't changed. It was obvious that my lie wasn't going to solve this pickle I had gotten us in.
"What was the movie about?" He asked as we put on our seat belts, "A friend from work came to see it. He said it was pretty good. If you guys liked it than I will have to bring the rest of the family to see it."
I rolled my eyes so hard I thought they might stick. He wasn't the first parental figure to pull this on me, and I wasn't fooled for a second. "It's about a museum at night." I laughed.
Renee looked like she wished she could be anywhere else. Her arms were firmly wrapped around herself, and her legs seemed glued to the seat. She leaned into whisper, "We are in so much trouble."
"What's the worst they could do? Kick me out. Been there, done that. We'll be fine." My attempt to reassure her didn't seem to work. She kept to herself for the remainder of the drive.
***
"We trusted you!" Janet shouted. She took wide steps across the living room and then back again. "We aren't asking for a lot, but you have betrayed that trust."
Marvin stood up from the couch and hugged his wife. "Go to the basement. We will discuss your punishment."
Renee waited by the stairwell until I returned. "They are super pissed. What's going to happen now?"
I shrugged and sat upon the edge of the black leather recliner. "I don't care. They can do whatever they want. I'm not really worried about it. You shouldn't be either."
A half hour passed before we were called upon. We walked up the stairs through the kitchen and into the living room to see Janet seated straight on the couch and Marvin next to her holding her hand.
"Renee, you will be going home first thing tomorrow morning. It will be a long time before the two of you get together again. As for you Amaris, we are very disappointed in your actions." Janet said before she took a deep breath. "How do you expect to get your son back when you're out partying, and doing God knows what?"
I didn't respond. There was no answer for her question. I had very low hopes of ever getting my son back. He deserved better, and I knew it. I was well aware of the fact that my actions weren't acceptable as a parent, but I wasn't a parent. I was a teenager that had given birth. The two weeks I had spent with him were rewarding, but I could not grasp the mindset needed to be a mother.
I was nothing more than a girl who had a baby. He was in the process of being placed with my parents, and now I needed to figure out who I was. I needed to find my place and know what I wanted before I could be anyone's mother.