~ Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift~
Manik was pacing the corridor of the hospital, while Nandini lay inside, clad in a white hospital robe that looked as pale as her face. He had brought her here, without informing anyone back at home and now he immensely regretted the decision since it killed him everytime he peeked inside. Nandini was lying in, a saline drip attached to the canula on her left hand, treating her for the mild dehydration she had been diagnosed with. It was nothing serious as per the attending resident but Manik knew it was nothing less. The nurse came out as she paged the senior doctor and Manik looked ahead to see a man in his late twenties, coming towards them.
"Hey, this is Dr. Neil Khanna", the man introduced himself forwarding his hand.
" Manik Malhotra", Manik didn't mean to come out as rude but the tiredness in his voice made it seem so.
"The patient is your?", The doctor questioned and Manik looked at him.
"Wife..", he answered again and Dr Neil nodded before entering in and Manik followed him. Dr Neil took the patient's chart as he read the name. Nandini malhotra.
"Nandini?", The voice seemed more of an acknowlegement than a question to Manik who looked at the bewildered doctor.
"Nandini. Damn. Five years and see how we meet. God", Dr Neil blabbered as he bent to check her pulse and other vitals while she slept under the effect of seadtives. Manik noticed the swiftness with which the doctor worked, changing her medicines and other essentials and making sure she had the utmost comfort. While he was busy noticing the details, Neil called him.
"Manik, can we talk?", He asked and manik nodded, unaware of what was coming his way.
Settling in the lavish cabin of the doctor, manik read the designation below his name plate.
Dr Neil Khanna,
Senior physician,
General medicine.
Manik's eyes roamed around the cabin to find a few book racks stuffed with thousands of medical books, particularly on psychology, novels, times daily and other stuff. Neil sat in front of him studying his gaze.
"Wondering what are these psychology books doing in the cabin of a genral physician?", Neil asked raising a brow with a laughter and Manik smiled, his first in the entire night.
" Well, the credit goes to your wife", Neil answered confusing Manik more than before.
"Actually, Nandini and I had been school mates, we were the adjacent roll numbers and therefore bench partners, lab partners, viva partners and so on until twelfth. She was maths + bio and I was a pure biology student and hence post school, our career choices drifted us apart, so apart that I didn't even know she was married", Neil answered his queries sensing the confusion and Manik nodded at him.
" I am sorry, I didn't hear about you from her ever", he spoke truthfully and Neil chuckled.
"Expected. So, love marriage?", Neil asked raising his brows, which Manik by now had gathered to be his signature style. He shook his head.
"Both. Love for me. Arranged for her", Manik spoke and Neil chuckled again.
"Expected again . This girl was so sure about never falling in love since school", Neil dramatically shook his head making Manik visibly very uncomfortable.
"But she accepted later she loved me too", Manik spoke with a very small voice since he was feeling extremely timid with this Neil who claimed knowing everything about his wife. Neil was taken aback by his answer since he didn't ask for a clarification. But then the look in his eyes conveyed the state of mind of Manik and Neil smiled at him.
"Of course she would be. As much as I noticed, you love her. A lot. And only a fool won't reciprocate your love. And moreover, I knew once she would be able to look beyond her dark grey world she would definitely find her whites again...", Neil smiled at Manik in an attempt to comfort him but Manik was extremely surprised hearing the answer. He couldn't believe Neil knew about the grey concept of Nandini.
"What? Haven't you heard the 'grey concept', rings a bell?", Neil asked again seeing the blank expression on his face. Manik came back into his senses hearing the question.
" Yes, she told me about it. About how she relates it to her life and her parents...", Manik bit his lips remembering the conversation he had with Nandini that day. He knew it was not the complete truth though.
" She told you too?", Manik then asked Neil who gave him an amused smile.
"I told her. It was me who had shared with her this amazing concept, how black and white together form grey, during one of our chemistry practicals. She loved it initially and then slowly got addicted with it. Perks of being too much into stories and devouring empathy out of it. I initially thought she was just over reacting but later I realized how she was actually the perfect epitome of this greyness. Her father actually changed all her concepts of life...", Neil shared, a dreamy expression in his eyes, as he travelled in the distant memories of their childhood.
"She loved her father a lot, maybe that's why...", Manik spoke again, breaking Neil's chain of memories.
"She does indeed. But as they say, beneath the exterior of a person you know, there is always one that you don't know. There can be indefinite reasons for the same or there can be a very obvious reason which we deny to see. Human psychology you know. Her father was exactly that...", Neil chuckled, a sad humorless smile that reflected as pure sadness in his eyes, an unbearable pain for his friend.
Manik was confused. He couldn't understand what was so sad about it. He knew about the fights her parents had but Nandini loved him dearly despite everything and she herself had told him that. Then why the hell was Neil behaving this weirdly?
"I am sorry but I didn't get you...", Manik spoke as he leaned forward in the chair, resting his elbows on the glass table kept in front of him. Neil looked at him, and it took less than a minute for him to decipher that Manik indeed didn't know the complete story.
"Manik, I am assuming you don't know the entire story. Hence I am telling you from my perspective. It's true that Nandini loved her father dearly. But it's also true that her father has moulded her into this secretive mysterious and unable to share kind of person, she is.", Neil took a deep breath as he continued.
"He was a great person indeed. Anyone who met him was in awe of him, his knowledge and his way of explanation. Moreover his aura had power. You can't ignore or avoid that kind of impression. But this was an exterior. To the world. To her friends. To everyone else. Inside, that same person was an insecure, controlling freak. He had a complete Orthodox mentality. He would keep tabs on both aunty and Nandini. They were not even allowed to go to the local market. If questioned he would say to tell him whatever was needed and he would bring it. And he did. He would bring a box of chocolates if she demanded a dairy milk. A dozen clothes if she asked for a dress. There was never a deficiency of these things in her life. What it lacked was fatherly spoken love and embrace. Uncle never ever wished her on her birthday, though he would bring her cake and gifts and all that stuff. He never embraced her and asked her if she was doing okay. She never really saw any love between her parents either. But what she saw was being called a whore by her own father if she talked to any of her male friends. She had seen her mother called slut for talking warmly to the milkman. She was not even given permission to visit her best friends house alone because uncle taunted that she was going to meet one of her lovers. Everywhere she went, she would be dropped by and picked by uncle at the exact time. She never saw what independence was, what being trusted too felt like. All these and much more was too much for a child like her, who was by nature too empathetic. It all left a deep impact on her. Once enraged there was no limit to how cheap and vulgar uncle could get. And she could not even speak all these to anyone. Firstly because she didn't want anyone to disrespect her father. Secondly in front of her friends uncle was that amazing person no one could point a finger at. Moreover uncle did love her very much. He tried to fulfill all her wishes, though materialistically. There was both good and bad in him, together and that is where her personality confused. She couldnot hate him openly and she couldn't love him entirely. She was trapped between what she saw and what she read. She fantasized love and saw only ego, hurt, hatred around. Even I got to know everything after I witnessed uncle's dramatic anger coincidentally. She never spoke about her life to anyone, slowly turning into a loner. Also, she made a few friends who turned their back to her. She saw how people were more happy without her presence than with her presence. She had even in a phase of her life loathed herself. And yet, she could never ever hate her father, or anyone for that matter. She always tried seeing the other side of the coin, trying to understand why the person did what he did. It was her compelling interest that drawed me too, towards human psychology. The reason of those books.....", Neil stopped after narrating as he took in a sip of water. Manik looked ashen, his face giving away the turmoil in his heart.
"There is a lot that she had never spoken about. And she would never. It doesnt mean she loves you or trust you any less. It's just that she had grown up that way. Detached yet intruding. She is the most difficult person to love I know. There are sharp edges to her that are bound to hurt you. There are missing peices to her she has no clue about. But then that is Nandini Murthy. Sorry, Nandini Malhotra....", Neil said again, finding Manik silent at the end of the discussion.
" That's how her perception changed from white to grey. The darkest shade of grey. I am amazed she had yet not embraced black..", Manik spoke digging his face in his broad palms. Neil forwarded him the glass of water.
"Life is mysterious Manik. You don't even realize when the shade you are so accumusted to, turns a shade darker. With each darker shade, life becomes more complex, more paradox, more difficult. Each shade has its own world of wonders, that could turn out to be heaven or hell", Neil was lost in his book shelf as he spoke the words.
" I wish I could somehow lighten up these shades of her life...", Manik mumbled and Neil looked up at him.
"You have Manik. You don't realize but you have. You are the only source of white in her grey life. You are lighting it. Continuously. Your efforts are worth it. One day you will bring back that kid nandini who loved white more than everything. I am certain...", Neil pressed his hands on manik's and manik smiled a smile of gratitude. He hoped all that Neil said come true soon. It had too. There had been a lot of grey now. It was time to welcome back white. Shades of white.