"How confidential are the things we speak about in here–during these sessions, I mean."
Jane sets down the folder she was flipping through seemingly surprised that I spoke first. I had surprised myself if I were being honest.
"I'm only obligated to break our confidentially agreement if I feel like you're a danger to yourself or others, or if I think you might be in danger," her lips pressed into a thin line. Her eyes were calculating, "Like, if I felt as though you were going to harm yourself or someone else. Or if someone was harming you," Things like that."
I nod halfheartedly. It was like everything went through one ear and then out the other. I couldn't focus on anything recently. We had only been here for about half an hour and I mostly just stared at the floor and mumbled out things I thought sounded right. Jane had to regain my attention twice before she asked me if I were on any illegal substances.
My anxiety was through the roof. I hadn't any problems with it in a while but lately I was always on edge. I felt like somehow everyone knew. I didn't tell Rylie because he had important tests coming up and I didn't want to worry him but I was sure he could find out how to remedy this. Half moons were indented in my palms, I was vomiting from stress, and twice this week have I had to bring myself down from having a panic attack while everyone was out.
"I'm pregnant."
It was like time stopped in Jane's home office and she folds her hands in her lap. Somehow I'm able to release a breath and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Jane purses her lips and I watch her eyes flit from my stomach back to me.
"None of them are the father. Derrick and his sons. It's not them," I rush out the words.
She nods, "How long have you known?"
"Since the end of August. I took a test."
"Have you told anyone? Is Mr. Phoenix aware?"
"No," I half lie.
"Do you know who the father is?"
"Yes. But he doesn't want to be involved and I don't want him involved. I haven't been to the doctor to check on it and I don't even know if I want to keep it but I can't just abort it. I don't want to do that again and–"
"Aaron. Breathe. In and out. Count to to three and release. Teen pregnancy can be very stressful and I want but first, I need you to understand that abortion is hard action for one to go through but sometimes its better for both the mother and the fetus."
"You have to say that."
"No, I don't. I could sit here and condemn you but I like to believe I'm very open minded and not to involve my own beliefs and politics but I am Pro-choice. You have a right to do whatever you wish to your body."
"Not always.”
"Can you elaborate?"
I sighed taking in a deep breath, "I...I've been pregnant before and the person who had gotten me pregnant forced me to abort it."
"And thats why you wrote murderer on your note card, I'm assume?" I nod feeling the need to throw up, "Abortion, in my opinion, is not murder. Some women are not equipped or ready for children. Some are too young. Like I said, sometimes abortion is better for both parties not a selfish act. If anything you show selflessness to put yourself through something that can cause such long lasting damage to yourself and mental state."
Maybe it was the hormones like usual or maybe I just felt some comfortability knowing that no one could judge me here or ask invasive questions I didn't want to answer, but I let myself break down. Her words struck a cord that I hadn't been able to feel from anyone else. It was different to talk to another woman about these kinds of things. There was more assurance than I could get from Rylie, who has been great to me but still is a child.
Jane sits on the arm of my chair and then I feel arms wrap around my shoulders and a warmth on my side. I'm sure this was breaking some kind of rule between the two of us. I don't think shrinks are supposed to be this affectionate or show this much care towards the patient but still I allow myself to lean into it. I needed it. God, I needed something and I knew it what it was.
I needed my mom. A mom. I needed that person who could lay with me at night and tell me everything would be okay. I needed that person who could tell me about how it was being pregnant with me or just pregnant at all and assure me that everything I was feeling and going through was apart of the process. I needed that warmth, care, and feeling only the woman who raises you can give and those thoughts made me cry harder.
This child wouldn't have a father. No uncles or aunts. No grandma or grandpa. It was barely going to have a mom. I couldn't be a mom. I don't know how. I've never been shown how. I haven't actually seen what it's like or felt the affections.
"Aaron, I know this is scary for you but you have to be strong. I know that sounds so hard right now but you have to take care of yourself," Jane murmurs into my hair and I suck in a breath feeling like I've been submerged in water.
"I don't know what to do. I–I can't do anything. I can't tell anyone. I can't tell Derrick, he'll kick me out."
Her arms rub down my shoulder in a soothing gesture, "I've known Mr. Phoenix for a while now and I'm sure he will help you the best he can."
I shake my head, "No one wants to take care of a pregnant teen. Not even the nicest of people," I whisper out staring at the floor. Jane sighs before handing me box of tissues and going back to her chair across from me.
"Aaron, I understand you're upset but I must ask, how–was it...consensual?"
I inhale a sharp breath asking myself if this could get any worse before whimpering lowly remembering all the times Steven took advantage of me before I had gotten kicked out. All the times I begged for him not to. All the times I was pinned under him and all the times I just laid there and did nothing. I had just let him. I lost my fight.
"No...I don't know. It had been happening so much so I just didn't stop him. I didn't try. It's my own fault."
"It is not your fault, Aaron. You didn't consent and correct me if I'm wrong but this person was older than you?"
I nod looking at the floor once more and she frowns deeply showing more emotions than I'm sure is allowed, "You can tell me who, you know that right?"
"And then you have to report it to the police and then I'll have even more to deal with than I already do. Please, I just can't. Not now. Not ever probably."
She sighs. I can see the worry in her eyes but she nods nonetheless and glances at her watch. I'm sure time was running out and she gets up without a word before shuffling around in another room for almost fifteen minutes. My phone buzzes in my pocket and Mr. Phoenix shoots me a text saying he's outside. The same time I get up, Jane comes back in the room with a paper in her hands that smells like its been freshly printed.
"My friend owns a clinic in Jersey. It's not free and given the circumstances I wouldn't usually give this information but somehow if legally," she stresses the word, "You can get at least two hundred dollars, I really want you to go see her. Her name is Ashley Hawkins. Tell her I sent you and I'm sure she'll be very accommodating and keep it under wraps. This is the address," she places the paper in my hands and I almost feel like crying again but I fight back the tears and give her a low thanks.
Jane gives me a closed mouth smile before patting my shoulder and holding the door open for me as I leave her house. Mr. Phoenix was idling along the curb with a slow rock song playing on the radio. I get in the car and put on my seat belt. The paper almost feels like its burning through my hand.
"What's that for?" He gestures towards the paper before driving down the road and I freeze before folding it into a square and shoving it into my pocket.
"Nothing."
•••
It's been like a month filled with no motivation or will to write anything and truly I thought about quitting because I couldn't figure out how to finish or continue and add fillers with content between the characters or to get to key points...But, I'm BACK!
A lot of music has come out and it's inspired me I guess, so I'm gonna try to write and update before I go through another drought.
The subject in this chapter is kinda controversial but I, myself, am pro-choice so I guess thats why I wrote it the way I did. If you aren't thats you and well, you're entitled to your wrong opinion. (That's a meme)
If you see any typos comment where they are because sometimes I can read over something ten times and still not see it and it really irks me.
Okay. Bye.
- C.