I was a goddamned idiot. I knew that. I understood that. right now I was putting myself in a possible unsavory situation. But, I had to do something. I had to get some kind of help. I had to tell him. I couldn't live with myself knowing I did something without the other party knowing. It shouldn't have mattered to me, but it did. It mattered because I wanted see if he really was as emotionless as I knew him to be. He had to know because if I chose the more damaging option and put myself through grief once again he was going to pay for it.
It had only been a few days since Rylie broke the news to me and of course after he left for school I cried. I took another test and it verified his previous affirmation that I was in fact pregnant. I asked Destiny to help guide me through this. Whether she was in heaven or some odd place our souls go to roam after we pass I closed my eyes and called out to her in my mind and pleaded for her to just help me through this. I asked her not to judge. I asked her to watch over it if I did decide to get an abortion.
It was ridiculous. I was being ridiculous. But, I needed some kind of help that wasn't in the form of kind hazel eyes. I didn't want to be judged. I definitely didn't want to be kicked out. I was making something of myself living with the Phoenix's and thats why this damned thing inside of me was going to ruin it. Thats why I had to talk Steven. He had to help me. It was his. It was ours. If it would rip my budding life away from me it was going to crumble his too.
I knew this situation could go awry. I was putting myself in possible danger but I refused to do this alone. Not again. Unfortunately this wasn't the first time. That was when I was fourteen. Vincent Klein and his wife had been housing me for only a month before it started. He was forty. Blonde hair, crystal like blue eyes that carried onto his adolescent daughter. Like the other times before that he too assaulted me. Made promises to throw me out if I said anything.
Then I got pregnant. I was frightened. I was fourteen. Of course I told him. He was livid. He blamed me. Said I was going to ruin his family. Then, he said it was either 'get rid of it or get the fuck out.' Both options were terrifying. I told him I didn't want the abortion then he threatened to beat it out of me. He didn't want the thing running around with his genes. So he forced me. We went to a clinic. He explained I was assaulted by some masked thug.
The rest was a blur of paperwork and appointments and treatment for after; Doctor visits. Therapy. Vincent didn't care. The day after it was done Vincent threw out my things and told me not to show my face anymore. I was sore. Depressed. Blaming myself for doing such a heinous thing. Back then I still didn't understand abortions. I always thought why? Why do that? But then I realized it was better off dead than living with a homeless teenager who probably wouldn't even take care of it.
The outcome could possibly be the same today. I knew that. But, if I were to do it again Steven would be paying for the deed. He would pay for the aftercare and I wasn't going to berate myself for such a thing. It was better to do that then have it live a life of despair, neglect and loneliness. I was already living like that and if I could prevent it from being passed on then I would.
I walk up the familiar driveway to the large house. It was more like a mansion. It was a weekday. Mr. Phoenix was at work, the boys were at school. I had time and opportunity. If I remembered correctly Steven didn't work on Tuesdays and if he did he didn't go until the afternoon. Holly would be spending her day spending money they didn't have sending them further down the bankrupt rabbit hole.
They were wealthy but not that wealthy. Steven was the breadwinner. The man. He had to do everything. Their marriage at first was just supposed to be for a business merger. His fathers company joining hers. But somehow along the way when they met in their late twenties it became more. For him that is. He fell in lust. But as quickly as he fell in he fell out. Her fathers company went bankrupt. People got arrested for fraud. The process of divorce would of been too taxing.
'It was all too much,' Steven had said once.
Steven still worked but wasn't making nearly as much money as they were before but Holly wouldn't stop her spending habits and Steven sits aside money so he can leave her. I only knew that information because some nights Steven would get drunk and lay all his pent up feelings out on the line. His secrets. I knew a lot. I saw a lot. I convinced myself I had the upper hand if he denied me.
Standing in front of the door I could faintly hear classical music seeping out. It was always playing throughout the home. Holly hated it. Steven said it helped him focus and stay calm. I rung the bell with a shaky hand and waited. And I waited. After what as five minutes and another bell ring the door had opened. His face was tired before it grew hard then soft. He regarded me with a shocked expression.
"Aaron? What are you doing here?" His voice was like tires screeching on the road. I try to pretend I don't know a crash will happen.
"We have to talk," I mutter out with a solemn look and gone was the shock and then was replaced with anger.
"What the hell do you want? Didn't we tell you to stay away?" He grabs my arm and pulls me into the house slamming the door behind him. His fingers dig into my skin. I retch myself from his iron grip and hope it doesn't bruise.
"I'm pregnant," I blurt the words before he could try to harm me. I knew the lengths he would go to to make someone shut up.
He swallows. The flare in his nostrils gets wider. He takes a step forward and I wrap an arm around my self, "You're what?" He hisses out the word and I take a step back.
"P-pregnant. It's yours. You're the only one I...I was involved with since August and before that."
He stares at the ground. His mouth moves but I can't understand what he's saying. He looks to me with furious eyes and swings his fist out. I feel the impact on my cheek and go toppling to the floor. A metallic taste warms my mouth. He steps over me and walks out the foyer and comes back not even two minutes later.
"Haven't you done enough already?" he curses while I pull myself up holding back tears. I guess I take too long because he drags me up. His nails dig into the same spot on my arm. He roughly pushes me against the wall and shoves a piece of paper in my pocket. His eyes regard me angrily. But I also note something else that flashes in his eyes. Guilt. Tiredness. But it vanishes quickly and he holds his forearm against my throat.
"Stay the fuck away from me alright?" I gasp but he doesn't remove the pressure, "I have too much on my goddamned plate to deal with this right now. Abort it, keep it, I don't give a flying fuck what you do just keep the fucking thing away from me. Don't speak my name to anyone if they ask who the father is. Say I'm dead. Say I ran out. Don't tie my name to the bastard. You got me?"
I struggle to breath out an answer and nod. He holds me for a second longer and removes his arm from my throat. I gasp and bend over to catch my breath but he was already yanking me towards the another end of the house. He pushes me towards the backdoor.
"That should be enough money to hold you both over for at least a few months," he pushes me outside and I deny myself the comfort of rubbing my sore arm, "If you need more money get a fucking job. Do you understand me, Aaron?"
I swallow back the thousands of words I wanted to say and choke up the one I had been conditioned to say, "Yes."
"Good. Get off my property and don't come around here again. If you're smart you'll get the abortion. You don't have a family, no help, and the world doesn't need anymore baby's mothers and their bastard children running around sucking the government dry," he spits before slamming the sliding doors shut.
You don't have a family.
I wanted to scream at him and tell him it was his fault. I spit more bloody saliva onto the ground. Slowly I make my walk through an open part of the fence in their backyard. It led to a neighbors house that was never there. That's what he wanted me to do. He didn't want any of his uppity neighbors seeing the distressed black girl leaving his house.
I knew what to expect but still I just didn't think it would happen. Maybe I was giving Steven too much credit. He violated me for months. But in that time he wasn't physical much. I had no resilience but when I did he'd just cover my mouth. Restrain my hands. The throbbing in my cheek reminds me that it still happened. A shooting pain sparks through my arm and I bite down on my lip.
The trip back to Mr. Phoenix's place was long. Longer than it should have taken. I walked around the nice neighborhood Steven resided in trying to clear my thoughts. Trying to let out everything I was feeling before I made my way back. Of course my arm was bruised and even worse today I decided not to wear a jacket. My cheek was still throbbing. It was sure to be bruised as well. It felt swollen. I could see my cheek in my vision.
It was dark when I made it back to the condo. It was only nine. Mr. Phoenix had called only a half hour ago to ask me where I was in which I replied I was on my way. I sigh as I grab the key from the doorman. He eyes me wearily but doesn't say anything. I ride the elevator up and prepare myself for the onslaught of questions. I just didn't know what I would say. I got beat up? There was hardly any damage. I almost got mugged? Mr. Phoenix would try to make me file a police report.
The elevator dings and I immediately note the extra voices I hear. I suck in a breath and I quickly walk into condo. I slip my sneakers off by the elevator and quietly try make my way unnoticed. I only look up briefly and notice it's the same assortment of Carter's and Cameron's friends. Carter and his two friends were posted in the kitchen surrounded by textbooks. Cameron and his friends with the addition of a girl were in the living room with the television on but they weren't playing attention to it. Much like Carter they were surrounded by books and laughing with each other.
You don't have a family.
I bypass them all silently and don't bother with trying to eat. I keep walking when I hear my name being called. I go straight upstairs ignoring Rylie's inquiries about my small injuries and fall asleep with Stevens words ringing in my ears.