We left shortly after. My chest was tight. A rock was lodged into my throat. Only when we were outside did I feel any sort of comfort. Mr. Phoenix hadn't really said a word. I hadn't either. I felt exposed. In so little words Regina had spilled all the things I kept inside. Well, most of it. The ugly parts. The parts you write in a journal then burn the pages of.
Mr. Phoenix read my journal. Regina read it to him. I could only watch as it happened. Her words. His impassive face. Tears spill over before I can stop them. I shield my face away from Mr. Phoenix. We get back into his SUV. He doesn't start it up right away. At least the music could partially drown out the sob that was aching to rip from within me.
I suck in a breath. Hot tears splash onto my light colored jeans. I curse myself for crying. For showing weakness. I can't stop it. I squeeze my hands together and pathetically wipe under my eyes. It's too quiet. We still haven't moved.
"I," I start but sad little whimpers and choked up words replace my own. stutters in between. "I d-didn't lie," I don't know why I feel I have to defend myself to Mr. Phoenix but I do.
So quiet. Too quiet. He doesn't say anything, "Oh my god," another cry falls from my lips and I yank open the car door. Of course he believed her. He was thinking of a way to drop the "I can't let you stay," Bomb. He can't let me ruin his kids lives. What if it happens. He can't ruin his image. Or maybe he was thinking I was an easy target. Regina just told him I wouldn't tell the proper authorities.
I hear the sound of his door slam shortly after mine. Tired. I was tired. Furious. Miserable, "Aaron," His tone was concerned. Scared.
"I'm not lying, okay?" I sit on the stoop of an abandoned building. I noisily suck in a breath and build up in my nose, "It's humiliating. I c-can't even look at myself anymore without seeing it. Seeing it all. Feeling it. It doesn't go away. And I don't have anyone to talk to. So I keep it to myself."
"Aaron--"
"I'm fine," I bite out. I wipe at my eyes and plaster on a smile I'm sure com's out as a grimace. Mr. Phoenix awkwardly stands in front of me. Something strange passes over his features.
"Aaron--"
"Could I just go back to your apartment?"
I don't need pity. I shouldn't have even let those words leave my lips. I didn't have to explain myself to him. To anyone. I know what happened. They know what happened. It's a secret only we can keep. The truth only we know. I have to block it out. Keep it in. If I didn't I probably wouldn't even still be breathing. I'd have been dead a long time ago.
"Okay. I'll um, I'll drive you back."
"Thank you."
An uncomfortable silence washes over us. I had nothing else to say. He didn't know what to say. What could he? It wraps me around us like a blanket. The air feels tense. I feel tense. Mr. Phoenix drives like he has something entirely different on his mind other than the road. I shouldn't have said anything. We shouldn't have went there. What was the point of doing the paperwork anyway. I was a guest. Soon to be leaving.
He stops the SUV on the curb in front of the complex. I feel drained. Vexed. Somber. I want to wrap myself in the security of blankets and cry. Cry until I have no more tears. Cry until I lose my voice. Cry until I fall asleep. I want to be wrapped in the arms of someone who cares. Someone who isn't going to judge me. I want someone. I want my mother. A mother. I want my father. A father. I want the security and tranquility that only family can bring at times of hardships. Yet, I can't have that.
How was that fair? How was it remotely fair that someone as young as me or anyone for the matter could be beaten and abused and assaulted. How is it fair that I and others like me don't get comfort afterwards. We don't get security. We don't get tranquility. We don't get justice. We get nightmares. Fear that doesn't go away. We get pregnant. We have abortions. Miscarriages.
We have to live knowing our attackers are out there living their lives peacefully. We have to live hating ourselves for being alive. Live knowing that we killed another. Live raising the product of the terror. Live knowing that the way we were isn't the way to live at all. I wasn't living. I was surviving. Managing. Too weak to take my own life. Not strong enough to fix it. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask to live like this. So how was it fair? How could some almighty and powerful being above look down on me and think that this was right?
I get out the car before Mr. Phoenix can say or do anything. Not that he would anyway. And he doesn't. He leaves the street before I even get into the building. I ask the man at the desk if he can ring me up. The boys send the elevator down. Like usual they spend most their time playing video games. Arguing. The eldest playing his instruments. I can hear the drumming from the second floor balcony when I walk in.
Cameron was laying in the couch a bag a chips rested on his stomach. Rylie was online gaming in the laptop. Cameron quirks a brow at me when I walk past him, "You okay?"
"I'm fine," It comes out snappy. I didn't mean for it to.
"Sorry."
I take a deep breath not saying anything else and go to the room I share with Rylie. I only take off my shoes before I dive into the bed. I wrap the thick blanket around myself. The side of my face buried in the pillow. I face the wall. Tears fall again and I don't even try to stop them. I'm just thankful that it's silent apart from Carter on his drums. I don't know how long he plays and I can't remember how long my face was wet but they both lull me to sleep.
•••
I don't know how long I slept. But, we had only left the house for an hour. That was at ten am. I returned around eleven. I slept, I know that for sure I just haven't moved since I awoke. Carter's drumming had ceased and really it was quiet. I couldn't even hear arguing that usually ensues between Cameron and Rylie. I roll onto my back to check the time and it was only two pm.
I hear the knob to Rylie's door jiggle and quickly flop back around to face the wall. The person was light on their feet. A strong cologne fills me senses. Carter. Carter was quiet. Sarcastic. Scary. I feel his presence behind but make no move to actually do the action.
"Aaron," he whispers my name. The rasp in his tone is almost like his father's. I don't respond, "Hey," he taps my shoulder and I feel my stomach tighten with nerves, "Aaron," he calls my name again and I make a sound of acknowledgement.
"Hey, are you hungry?"
I squint at the wall, "What?"
"You've been up here all day. You should eat something," he comments, "We've got pizza's downstairs."
"I'm not hungry."
I hear him sigh, "Alright," his presence disappears but he doesn't leave right away, "We aren't going to fuck with you, you get that right? Like, we're not going to do any weird shit to you," his voice held no malice. He was just talking. With a lot of expletives.
He leaves the room. I feel guilty. I had been walking around like they would pounce on me at any given second. Like they were lions and I was a mere gazelle. It was probably just as uncomfortable for them as it was for me. I unravel myself from the blankets. My stomach rumbles. It's almost painful.
Maybe I could just go downstairs and eat. Eat and come right back up. I pull myself out of bed. The jeans and T-shirt not as comfortable as it was when I was wallowing in my misery. I hear the clatter of plates in the kitchen and see the boys standing around two oven stones that were on the counter. Rylie tries to pick up a slice and immediately drops it onto his plate causing to fall toppings down first.
"I told you it was hot," Carter's voice was monotone as he rolls his eyes at his younger brother. I don't know how he knows but he looks towards the stairs as he puts more slices into Rylies plate with a pizza cutter, "Ah, you decided to eat," Rylie and Cameron swivel their heads around. Rylie only looks and takes his plate and himself into the living room. Cameron gives me a polite smile before reaching into the cabinet and grabbing a plate handing it to me.
He and Carter sit on the opposite side of the counter. Cameron on his phone as he brings a slice to his mouth. Carter does the same. I grab two slices of pepperoni. I keep myself on the other side. Using the island as a barrier.
"You need a chair?" Cameron asks me with a full mouth. I make a face, "My bad," he murmurs before wiping the corners of his mouth with a napkin. He swallows his food, "Do you need a chair though?"
"I'm fine."
He shrugs before diving back into the half slice of five other slices he had yet to even devour. Cameron always seemed to be eating. It was strange. His lanky and scrawny figure wouldn't make you think it. His angular and chiseled facial features would make you think he ate nothing but healthy foods. Though, all the boys seemed to have angular faces. Even Rylie. Though his wasn't as prominent.
I pick at the Pizza. Not feeling comfortable eating around others. It was a habit that would never die. I pick off the pepperoni before eating it. Then the cheese. Then rip the dough piece by piece until the crust. Carter narrows his eyes at my work.
"Do you always eat like that?" the amusement in his eyes let me know he was probably just teasing.
"Sometimes."
"You eat like a rat," Cameron cocks his head to the side. The curls of his flat top moving with him, "You're ruining it."
"Not everyone can be a human vacuum, Cam. You can suck a whole slice down within a minute and I'm not even sure if you chew."
He let's out a light laugh at his brothers playful jab at his eating habits, "Funny," he deadpans, "So, Aaron," I tense up at his tone. That was a tone everyone used when their about to ask you questions, "How long you been in the system?"
I take my time swallowing the pizza crust I had just chewed fifty times. I only counted because I felt nervous, "Uh, since I was s-seven. I think."
He nods his head, "birth until five. Then they picked me up," he states gesturing his head towards Carter's, "Well, his parents."
Carter playfully messes up his hair, "Worst decision they ever made," he tsks but smiles nonetheless. Their was a brotherly love in his eyes. A look that told a different story then his words. I wanted to go back to bed. I shouldn't be feeling bitter. Saddened. Jealous.
"That's nice," I give a tight lipped smile at Cameron. Not knowing what else to do. I just felt out of place. I literally just sat in an office with his father this morning while my social worker told him all the reasons not to have me in his home. I just cried about not having a family. For some reason these thoughts were hitting me harder than usual. They were always there. Just at the very back. They were pushing their way to the front now. Reminding me.
I feel a hand on mine shaking it. My jaw locks. My posture straightens. I snatch my hand away quickly, "Don't touch me," Cameron's brows rise. Carter looks at me sympathetically. He scowls at his brother. Carter gives me an apologetic smile. Cameron apologizes. I dump the crumbs from the plate into the trash discarding it into the sink.
As I'm walking back up the stairs. I hear Cameron yowl in pain, "Dad literally told us not to touch her you ass hat. She doesn't like that," Carter curses at his brother. I feel bad. I guess Mr. Phoenix realized it was an unspoken thing that I wasn't fond of being touched and relayed it to his sons.
"I forgot!" Cameron snaps back.
"Well, remember next time. You could have set her off or something."
Cameron groans and after that I don't hear much else. I'm already tucked away in Rylie's room once again. I wrap myself in plush blankets. His always chilled room providing the perfect contrast. I force myself to go to sleep. I just needed to forget about my own life. Even if it's just for a few hours.