Surprisingly I slept better than I had before the last two nights. I maybe got eight hours in total. The first of the two I contemplated taking off while everyone laid down to rest. But I couldn't. I thought of Kelly. Sweet, pregnant, Kelly Rivera soon to be hyphenated with O'Neil. She was all too empathic and my departure would cause more harm than good. Possibly good for me but harm to her.
That wouldn't be good for the baby.
It was Thursday and apparently Mr. Phoenix would be coming in the evening. Just the thought made my mouth dry. A house full of men. Another foster home that won't last. Empty promises that won't be kept. I wouldn't stay. I wouldn't let my body used for the enjoyment of others anymore. I couldn't. It's all too taxing. Damaging. I may not of had the best self worth but I knew there came a time where you had to do something to stop the pain. The heartache.
So I would go before they could get me. Leave before the haughty looks began. Slip out before they could slip into wherever I'd be sleeping at night. Disappear before their hands could under my clothes. Protect myself before they stopped using protection. I wasn't going to go through that. Not again. I wouldn't. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, I couldn't.
Maybe I was jaded. I've been bounced around through a total of ten actual homes. Most of them were awful. Most of them are where my nightmares lay. Though some, maybe three or four were the ones with the empty promises. The nice woman and man who really did take me in out of kindness but didn't want to adopt. I can't blame them. The newlyweds who wanted a baby not a fourteen year old. It's understandable.
But bad usually outweighs the good. And I can't pretend I dont remember the roaming hands. Harsh breaths. Body seizing whispers of a good time. Thats what they did to me. I was body for use to whoever wanted a try. Skin for the ones who just wanted a taste. Curves that satisfied the sick fantasies. The age of their taboo fetish. No longer had I been the lonely orphan girl. Replaced was the body for pleasure. The body of a fantasy. The body for taboo's and secrets they'll only tell their closest confidants about.
That wasn't a life to lead. That wasn't a life to live. Sadly, that's the only taste of the world I've gotten. The only lessons I've learned. Going from school to school doesn't get much done and I was already behind a grade. So I've got street smarts. I know how to keep myself alive. I know how to pick locks. Sneak out. Sneak in. I know who to go to for what. But that's not how life should be for a sixteen year old. I should be in school. Making summer memories. Not planning my escape from Mr. Phoenix's home.
I look out the window. Upset with myself for putting a woman I didn't even know over my own protection. I didn't want to stress her out. Have her worry. Kelly was emotional like that. Especially now that she was pregnant. She was too caring. Too nice. Too willing to help children and teens that would probably steal her things if she left them unattended. It was both her strength and weakness. I envied the little bean growing inside of her.
A mother like that?
That's the kind you imagine to help yourself fall asleep night. The kind you make yourself believe your birth mother was like. The kind you hope wants to adopt you. The one we all wish we had but know the chances are slim that we'll actually get. Sweet, pregnant Kelly. The woman every straight man, queer woman, and child dreams about.
When a knock on the door alerts from my thoughts I know its her. She unlocks the door with her spare key and almost looks surprised I was still here. She doesn't say anything though. An appreciative smile plays across her lips and she sits on the free bed pressed against the wall. Her eyes find mine. A contemplative look on her face. Her brows dip.
"Is it strange that I'll miss you, Aaron? I know I can come see you and I will to check up on you, but it just felt nice having another female essence around here you know? Even if you barely spoke...or left the room. I think me and my little nugget have grown attached."
She sniffles. I'm uncomfortable. No ones ever said that about me. No ones shed tears over my departure. No one and their little nugget had gotten attached. I didn't feel that way about anyone either. Never get attached. It's a rule to live by when you like this. So, I didn't feel the same as Kelly. I don't feel the same. She was nice. She was kind. The fantasy of her personality and likeness being what my mother could have been helped me to fall asleep at night.
But I wasn't attached. I would leave with Mr. Phoenix to appease her for the time being. Then I'd be gone. Just another kid she put too much of that kindness into. She'd be fine. Her nugget would be fine. I'd sleep better on the streets than in a house with men waiting for their inevitable assault. The touching. The looks. If anything I was protecting us both. Me, myself. Her, The view on the lovely Phoenix family. The view that would no doubt be tarnished and was really just a curtain for what lay beneath with my being there for 'how ever long it may be.'
I giver her a weak smile amidst her confession. It's better than lying. The sky was darkening and soon enough the beloved Derrick Phoenix would be here. I had been packing what little things I had in preparation and only stopped when Kelly came in. I stuffed the shoes at the bottom along with the freshly washed clothes on the top in the tattered back pack I had been carrying around with me since the age of ten.
It felt almost wrong to be leaving. Mr. Phoenix could easily take on one of the boys in instead. Especially the younger ones. Even the teenage boys could use the strong male figure in their lives. I didn't. Which is why I had been so hesitant and still am. Its hard to ignore my shaking hands. The pressure I feel in my chest. The fear. I should have left. I curse myself for worrying about the pregnant woman on the other side of the room.
Her phone vibrates and she smiles a little at whatever message comes to her phone.
"Derrick is here. He's in the front."
I frown. It wasn't seven. It was at least still six o'clock. Why would he come so early. Why didn't I leave last night like I had told myself to. It was all too late now. I could leave tonight instead. While him and his sons were sleeping. Or I could say I wanted some fresh air and just never return. To hell with the new clothes. They wouldn't save me.
Kelly gets off the bed. A waiting look on her face as she gazes at me. I feel like cement has filled my shoes. I don't move. She frowns. I couldn't go. How could she make me? She sees how I am. The fear. The recluse attitude I've carried all my life. She steps towards me. Fiddling with her hands knowing I'd most likely flinch away from her touch.
"Aaron, sweetheart, I don't know what you've been through and I haven't asked because I'm sure you wouldn't tell me. But I can swear to you I wouldn't have asked him to take you in if I didn't trust him myself. You have absolutely nothing to worry about."
My eyes sting. My tongue feels heavy. How could she know? It's always the nice men who commit the most heinous crimes. The ones you wouldn't dream of ever being so vile. That's why it's all so easy for them. Can't be a suspect if no one would ever suspect you in the first place. I can't meet her eyes but I feel the dirt and grass on my skin. The obvious concern. The weight of her words.
I suck in a deep breath to keep myself calm. I tell myself I can trust Kelly. She only has everyone's best interest at heart. But that's what gets people hurt in the end. That blind trust. The misguided faith. Or maybe I was just too damn jaded. Either way, I had to go somewhere and unfortunately I couldn't stay here. One more night in a warm place could do me some good. One last meal before I'm back to scavenging just mere morsels for a form of sustenance.
I grab the worn black and grey backpack of the bed I had made up. My hands were still shaky and I still felt like a cinder block was rested inside of me but I forced myself to move no less. Kelly seemed to have released the small bit of tension seeing my reluctance waiver and I prayed silently for her sake and mine that Derrick Phoenix really did deserve the pedestal he seemed to be on.
Kelly walks in front of me almost leading the way while I lagged behind. Parts of my mind kept hollering for me to make a break for it but I hadn't been listening. My feet drag along the carpet. Sweat in palms. Summersaults in my stomach. Sand in my mouth. The only thing keeping me even slightly calm was the honeysuckle sent that omitted from the pregnant woman in front of me.
And then we see him. I see him. He's typing fast on his expensive cellphone. An equally expensive navy blue suit covers his skin. He was tall at least six feet with maybe two inches to add. Ivory skin. Lean build, seemingly athletic. Maybe he jogged a lot or went to gym a few times a week. His light brown hair had little wisps of grey that barely seemed noticeable along with the scruff along his chin.
He pockets the phone and smiles when he sees Kelly. Like a child I find myself hiding myself behind Kelly's still slim figure. His eyes were much like hers. More dirt than grass though. They talk to one another but I don't really listen as the conversation goes from mundane greetings to talk about the pregnancy. I had heard enough from the eccentric woman I was currently using as an invisibility cloak.
Derrick looked nice. The way his eyes didn't waver from Kelly as he spoke. The laugh lines around his mouth. The little crows feet that crinkle when he laughed as Kelly talked about her food cravings.
"When Sammy was pregnant with Rylie she ate a lot of corn chips. The house reeked all the time."
They both laugh. He had a rich voice. It was deep but somehow it had a twang that seemed young. He didn't look sad as he shared the memory of his deceased wife. Maybe he had gotten over it. Maybe she didn't want him to be melancholy over her passing. I start to wonder how she lost her life. How he had the energy to keep going. My mom surely didn't.
Kelly then side steps and I hold back the urge to move with her. My jaw clenches and I hold the straps to my back pack with a knuckle busting grip. We seem to eye each other. Taking the other in. He looked ... affluent. I'm sure I looked like a bum. The cut on my lip was still there. The bruises were slowly fading yet still noticeable. I was in a simple powder blue T-shirt with denim ripped jeans and the white sandals Kelly hand given me.
He smiles, "I'm Derrick Phoenix. It's a pleasure to meet you ..."
"Aaron."
His hand comes forward. I flinch. He notices. Then frowns. Lips that were a second ago tilted up now in a straight line. I grind my teeth. It was all too mechanical. I was programmed to flinch or skirt away when a hand came in my vicinity. Hands weren't gentle. They weren't comforting. The inflict pain. Instill fear. His were no different and neither were Kelly's. At least in my mind they weren't.
It's all too quiet. It's uncomfortable. He exchanges a look with Kelly. It's like they were silently talking to each other. Talking about me. I didn't like it.
"Do you have any bags? Suitcases? Or anything we need to get before we go?"
I shake my head. Kelly tells him everything I have is in the backpack. And it was. I had found a way to stuff everything including the body wash in the bag. I just hoped it didn't burst and ruin the little belongings I had. He nods and says we should head out. Once again the cement is in my shoes. The floor is made of glue. I feel dizzy. A voice calls my name. Again and again.
It's Kelly.
I snap out of the unease.
"I'll pull the car around front. Just come out when you're ready."
Derrick begins to head out the way he came. The tap of dress shoes make a pleasant sound on the floor I focus on that until he's gone. Kelly sits at her desk. She gives me a smile. I focus on the door thats open since it's still a little warm. Contemplating to just run out and forget this whole thing. It's then I see the headlights. He's back. Waiting.
"He won't hurt you. I promise."
Kelly and her promises. She has eyes that promise hope. A smile that promises happiness. A personality that promises love. All of which can be broken. Everything breaks. Furniture. Appliances. Bones. Hearts. Promises. But I'll believe it all for Kelly's sake. She looks worried. She saw me flinch just the way he did. Worry leads to stress. Stress isn't good for her little nugget.
"Kennedy."
Her brows furrow, "Huh?"
"Y-you, uh, Y-you s-said you wanted a n-name like m-mine for the baby. Something n-neutral. Kennedy could work."
She smiles. I find myself smiling back and It's genuine. She says She'll call every week for updates.
I hope she keeps that promise.