There was the love of her life, peacefully sitting on their rocker, looking up at the starry sky.
At the young age of 72, her wife had a heart attack. And now, a year later, it was evident how tired Alyssa was. Alyssa was only fighting and staying for her and their family.
And as she watched a small smile play on her wife's lips, she knew Alyssa was thinking of her like she always does when she looks at the stars. Was Alyssa thinking of the moment they will meet again?
She shook her head.
No, probably not. Alyssa probably remembered something from the past but she knew Alyssa had never and would never think of a future with anyone else but her.
She smiled.
They've gone a long way. They've faced many trials but they still ended up living a happy married life with children and grandchildren of their own.
A memory played on her mind.
-
"Can I have a hug, Ly?" she said before Alyssa and her could part. "Na-miss kita, eh."
She did. She missed Alyssa so damn much.
Alyssa proceeded to hug her tightly. "Na-miss din kita, Den," Alyssa said honestly.
She put her arms around Alyssa too and pulled her as close as possible. They stayed in that position for some time.
She didn't want to let go but she knew Alyssa was excited to go.
Alyssa waved goodbye to her one last time before turning to go to her car. She did the same.
She tried to hold back the tears that was threatening to fall until finally, she was in the car and she could let it all out. She cried her eyes out as she leaned her forehead on the steering wheel.
She had never meant to lose Alyssa.
She only broke up with Alyssa and pretended to be with L.A. so that Alyssa would finally have the courage to fight for her. Yes, L.A. and her nerver was and will never be together for real, not even in the past 3 months.
She didn't expect Alyssa to give up on her after a few tries. She didn't expect that the last time Alyssa would chase after her was that Valentine's invitation she declined. She didn't think Alyssa would fall out of love with her and fall in love with someone else in such a short span of time.
She didn't realize how little their years of relationship meant to Alyssa.
Fuck it.
Fuck Alyssa.
Fuck her.
She shouldn't have let Alyssa go.
She cried until her tears ran out. And when it did, she promised herself she would get Alyssa back.
It didn't matter how long she would have to wait. She was willing to wait. She promised that she and Alyssa would still be the end game.
-
There was a time she blamed herself for the events that followed after. She had wondered if it was because she prayed that she and Alyssa be the endgame that the universe took it upon itself to make it happen.
Even at the expense of someone's life.
But that was impossible. It was absurd.
The universe didn't revolve around her and she had no control over what happened.
Still, she did not immediately approach Alyssa when Alyssa needed her the most because she felt guilty and insecure. She did not want to be the one Alyssa turned to in place of the love Alyssa had lost.
When she did, she approached Alyssa with their friends. She was there for Alyssa as a friend. Alyssa thanked her for that.
And then, Alyssa left.
Their story only began again when Alyssa came back.
-
Several rings on her doorbells startled her.
With a grunt, she stood up from her study table and decided to give a piece of her mind to whoever was disturbing her.
She wasn't expecting anyone. And her family and friends knew better than to mess with her when she has an upcoming exam.
"What-"
She stopped. She was frozen.
Her heart beat fast. Her breath hitched. Everything turned silent.
Alyssa, charming as ever, was standing in front of her with a sheepish smile.
It was unexpected and suddenly, there seemed to be a riot going on inside her stomach.
After 3 months in Brazil, Alyssa didn't come back to the Philippines. No one knew what she was up to or when she will be returning. Showing up 3 weeks after her supposed return in front of her doorstep was like a figment of imagination that she had to shake her head.
"Uhm, hi, Den," Alyssa greeted shyly. "I just got back yesterday and decided to pay you a visit. I brought doughnuts and sodas." Alyssa raised her arms to show the snacks. "Unless nakakaistorbo ako."
Her body moved on its own accord and welcomed Alyssa in.
She was still speechless. She didn't know how to talk to Alyssa. So they prepared the table in silence and ate the first few bites in silence.
She was the one to break it. She was curious.
"Napatagal ka ata sa Brazil," she started. "Na-enjoy mo?"
Alyssa smiled softly.
"Oo, masaya naman. But I didn't stay there after my contract."
That made her frown.
"I traveled across Europe on my own," Alyssa continued. "I wanted to find myself. Ginusto ko ring buuin ang sarili ko."
She saw the sadness and pain that still haunted Alyssa. She wanted to take it all away but she wasn't sure she could.
She asked instead, "Did you?"
"Did I find myself? Yes," Alyssa answered firmly. "Was I able to pick up all my broken pieces and fix myself to become whole again? As much as I could."
She looked at Alyssa, urging her to continue because she didn't understand.
Alyssa put down her doughnut first and faced her properly. Their eyes met and she felt like she was drowning in Alyssa's stare.
"I can't be whole again, Den. I gave her a piece of me that I can't take back and even if I could, I won't."
Did anyone hear it? Hear the sound of her heart breaking for the nth time over the course of two years?
"But to begin with, I haven't been whole for a long time."
Alyssa tapped her fingers on the table in a rhythmic beat.
"I think it's like we're made up of puzzle pieces that carefully fit together," Alyssa said softly. "And when we love someone, when we let someone into our lives, we gave them a piece of us. Some of them keep the pieces in place and keep us intact while some of them leave and take a piece of us with them. I think that's why we feel so broken when they leave; because it feels like our whole being is crumbling without the piece that they took."
She kept quiet, trying to take it all in. But Alyssa wasn't finished yet.
"But we put ourselves back together with or without that puzzle piece. As we love, learn, and grow, we become bigger and more complex that our puzzle pieces also increase. Until one day, the missing piece that seemed to be a whole chunk of a puzzle finally seem nothing but a chink and inconsequential. But some remain to be a part of the puzzle that could have been great but never came to be."
Alyssa chukled.
"I'm sorry. I know it's nonsense and boring-"
"No, I get it," she said. "We're a puzzle full of missing pieces but we remain to be a masterpiece with all the pieces we have left."
Alyssa smiled. "Yes, and ultimately, we gave everything that we have to one person, hoping that that person will keep us intact, love us, protect us, and make us better."
She laughed.
"Maybe that's why it's too difficult to find that person; it's a lot of work."
Alyssa chuckled. "Sinabi mo pa."
A comfortable silence filled the air. They continued eating for a bit.
"Den," Alyssa called her attention.
When she looked at Alyssa, it was as if Alyssa was struggling to say something. She reached for Alyssa's hand and gave it a squeeze to let Alyssa know she could tell her anything.
"I'm scared," Alyssa admitted. "I'm scared that even if I give everything that I am now because this is as whole as I can be, I still wouldn't be enough."
It felt like Alyssa was admitting it to her because she was meant to be at the receiving end of it. She was the one Alyssa was going to give herself to.
She knew how assuming she was being. She still hoped though.
She stood up and pulled Alyssa with her and gave Alyssa the long overdue hug she wanted to give even before.
"You will always be enough, Ly," she said.
"I hope so, Den," Alyssa replied while holding her tighter too. "I hope so. And I promise, I'm ready and I will give all of me..."
There was no direct object.
Still, her heart fluttered. She smiled.
They could start over again.
-
It wasn't like they got back together after that.
No. They rebuilt everything from their friendship to being the best of friends to finally being together again.
It wasn't easy. Especially during the times told her about her and about them. It hurt. But she endured because she loves Alyssa.
It took some time and she even thought they were going to remain just friends but one day, Alyssa was finally alright.
It was one sunrise that changed it all.
-
"Besh! Wake up! Come on!"
She groaned.
Alyssa was repeatedly bouncing on the bed while sitting down just to wake her up. She looked at the clock on her tableand it was freaking 5.a.m. She cursed inside her head.
She pulled a pillow to cover her face.
"Ly, nag-training tayo kagabi. I think it's okay for us to skip jogging today!"
Oh, yes, she and Alyssa jogs everyday since Alyssa moved in to a unit several floors above hers on the same condominium building. And since, they were best friends again, they both have a copy of the keys to each other's unit. A fact she was regretting at the moment.
"Okay! Walang jogging. Pero bangon ka na, Den," Alyssa insisted. "I want to watch the sunrise."
She shook her head even though Alyssa couldn't see it.
"Please, Den," Alyssa whined. "I really want to watch the sunrise...with you."
That woke her up and her heart started jumping for joy.
They always watch the sunrise. They've had a lot of sweet moments together during those times. She tried not to give it any meaning but when Alyssa said her specifically, how could she not?
She pretended to get up against her own will and prepare. Alyssa had a goofy smile on her face all the while.
She was surprised when Alyssa intertwined their hands as they made their way to the rooftop of the building. She didn't complain and committed that memory and feeling to mind.
She was even more surprised to find a laid out blanket and a picnic basket on the rooftop.
"What's this?" she asked in awe.
She could smell the food she was sure Alyssa prepared by herself.
Alyssa scratched her head.
"For you," Alyssa answered hesitantly.
"Why? What for?" she still asked.
Alyssa took a deep breath but did not speak. Alyssa led her to sit down facing the east before sitting down beside her. Their shoulders touched and Alyssa kept rubbing her thumb at the back of her palm.
Alyssa took several deep breaths again before taking out something from her pocket.
Alyssa turned to face her and put the object on her hand while still keeping her hand on top of it so she could't see what it was.
It felt like a jewelry though with a charm.
"Dennise, this is my heart," Alyssa said nervously before taking her hand away.
She saw a broken heart-shaped stone encased in some kind of plastic/glass attached to a bracelet.
"I gave it to someone else before."
Her heart clenched. She knew who that someone else was. She knew everything. It still hurt as fuck.
"I broke it when I lost her. And I purposely left a piece of it with her because I know a part of me will always love her."
She could feel the longing in Alyssa's voice and she wondered why she had to hear this again. She didn't want to cry but she felt like she was about to.
"But I am not in love with her now."
That made her head snap towards Alyssa.
"It took a lot of time for me to move on. My heart felt like it died too before it started beating again. And it's beating again, Den," Alyssa said as her hand reached to caress her cheek. "It's beating again and it's as whole as it can be again for you."
"I-I d-don't understand," she whispered.
"Den, I'm saying that," Alyssa paused. "I love you. I'm in love with you, Den."
She heard the sincerity and anxiety in Alyssa's voice. Alyssa's eyes reflected nothing but love and honesty. And fear. She knew Alyssa was scared of her answer.
She wanted to grab Alyssa then and kiss her. She wanted to tell Alyssa she loves her too. But she was finding it too difficult to move, much less talk. It was surreal.
"Look, Den, I know I'm messed up and I messed up back when we were together. I am incomplete and I may not be enought. And all I can promise you is that I won't make the same mistakes I did before. I promise to treat you better. I will give you all that I am and give everything I have for our relationship, if you'll give me a chance."
She felt the tremble in Alyssa's voice and because she wasn't sure hers would work, she pulled Alyssa to her instead and gave her a searing kiss.
Alyssa's eyes widened in surprise before recovering. Alyssa cupped her face and started kissing her softly yet passionately.
It tasted better than any of the previous kisses they've shared before.
When they ran out of breath, she pulled back and settled at the crook of Alyssa's neck. Alyssa wrapped her arms around her warmly.
"Does that mean you love me too?" Alyssa whispered.
"I love you, too," she said. "Since then until now."
Alyssa hugged her tighter and placed a kiss on her head.
They spent some time in that position, taking it all in. Letting love surround them both. It was heavenly.
"Den, about the heart," Alyssa whispered after a while.
She gripped the bracelet on her hand.
"You can throw it away or hide it, it's just a symbol of my love for you. But I understand you might not like it because I already-"
She cut off Alyssa with a kiss before smiling the most beautiful smile she could muster.
"No. I'm keeping this," she said while holding out the bracelet. "You gave this to me. It means your heart is mine now, right?"
Alyssa smiled warmly.
"It's yours now. I'm yours now."
They met for another kiss again before she settled in Alyssa's arms to really watch the sunrise.
She caressed Alyssa's heart softly.
She didn't care if Alyssa had given it to someone else before. She didn't care if it wasn't whole. It didn't matter. What mattered was the fact that Alyssa had given it to her now, wholeheartedly and sincerely. She wouldn't lose it no matter what.
-
She raised her right arm and touched the heart charm on it.
It would be a lie to say that she was never affected by the fact that Alyssa had given her heart to someone else before. Alyssa had given it to her. Because it did. A long time ago, it did.
But Alyssa had erased all her fears, doubts, and insecurities. Alyssa had proven to her time and time again just how much Alyssa loved her.
Alyssa did everything that she could to not make her feel like a replacement or a lack of option. Even in her darkest times, even in their worst fight, Alyssa had shown her that she was the choice.
It was only her and no one else.
-
She was clenching her fists again, hurting herself for all her inadequacy. She wanted to cry again but she knew it would be futile. It wouldn't change anything.
Alyssa had reassured her that it was alright. That Alyssa loves her nonetheless. And while Alyssa was there, she felt enough.
But now, waking up from the nap she had taken without Alyssa by her side, she was feeling miserable again.
She stood up only to see Alyssa's silhouette on their veranda. She could see Alyssa looking up at the stars. Alyssa was thinking of her.
She closed her eyes to push away all the negative thoughts entering her mind again. However, catching a glimpse of a frame with a picture of her and Alyssa with their little nieces and nephews, she couldn't help but grab it and throw it across the wall in anger.
"Hon?!" Alyssa entered the room as soon as she heard the sound of glass breaking.
She saw the worry on Alyssa's face as Alyssa approached her. She stepped back.
"You're thinking of her again, aren't you?!" she yelled.
It surprised Alyssa but she continued letting all her angry thoughts out.
"You're thinking of her and probably wishing that she was with you right now. Sana siya na lang hindi ba, Alyssa?"
"Honey, calm down. What are you talking about?" Alyssa told her calmly as Alyssa grabbed her arm softly, wanting to pull her.
She refused and shrugged Alyssa's arm.
She laughed bitterly.
"Don't give me that crap, Alyssa. I know that every time you look at the stars, you think of her. I know na kaya you won't go sky diving or bungee jumping with me is because it's something you've done with her. You won't even cook pancakes or bring me to Ally's because those are reserved for her!"
Alyssa's gaze hardened. "Dennise," Alyssa whispered dangerously.
She got scared. They didn't talk about Alyssa's previous relationship much. They glazed over it but never discussed it. They most especially did not fight about it.
She got scared thinking maybe she finally pushed Alyssa's buttons and that Alyssa will leave her.
She closed her eyes bracing herself for what was to come.
"Don't bring her into this because this marriage does not have a space for her or anyone else. If you have a problem with me, tell me. Don't go creating issues where there is none."
She started crying at how cold Alyssa talked.
"But there is an issue, Alyssa. I'm not her. If she was here, y-you would be happy," she sobbed. "You're probably thinking of the family life you could have had with her because she might have been able to give you a c-child. I-I c-can't."
That was the most painful truth. She was sterile. They've been trying through IVF but it wasn't working because the doctors said there was something wrong with her egg cells. She wouldn't be able to bear Alyssa a child and she knew how much Alyssa wanted children.
She was about to fall down on the floor when she felt Alyssa's arms wrapped around her.
"I'm not like that, Den," Alyssa whispered with a pleading voice. Pleading her to believe Alyssa.
"From the moment I said I'm in love with you, I have never been in love with anyone else. From the time I said my heart started beating for you, it has never beat for someone else. I had never looked back and thought of the 'what ifs' and 'could have beens'. I never found the need to because I already have you. All I could think of was our future."
Alyssa kissed her on the forehead.
"I never saw anyone else but you, Den. I have never looked at you and saw someone else. In fact, I could tell you every intricate detail of our wedding and even your wedding gown. I could tell you just how beautiful you looked as you walked towards me with a smile on your face and your eyes glowing with love. I can tell you how deafeaning the beating of my heart then and how pleasurable electrified I was the moment we touched. I could tell you everything and anything about that day. I know who I married and it's you, Mrs. Dennise Michele L. Valdez. From the moment you told you took me back, I have never imagined anyone carrying my name but you. I have never thought of having a family with anyone else but you."
"But I can't give you a family!" she cried in anguish.
Alyssa cupped her face firmly and wiped her tears away before making sure she was looking at Alyssa.
"There's adoption, Hon, but I prefer to carry our child if you'd let me."
She couldn't believe what she was hearing. From Alyssa's assurance of her love to Alyssa's plans for their family, it was too good to be true. She didn't believe Alyssa could love her as much as Alyssa was saying. She didn't think their problem could easily be solved like that because she wanted to be the one to give Alyssa a child.
But Alyssa was willing to give her a child. Their child.
A hint of a smile started forming on her lips.
"Yes?" Alyssa asked with a heartfelt smile.
"Yes," she answered.
Alyssa leaned down and kissed her softly which made her heart melt. Alyssa enveloped her once more in a warm embrace.
"And Hon, don't compare yourself to anyone, okay? You sell yourself short when in fact, no one could match up to you."
That made her tear up a bit.
"Ako na ba talaga, Ly? Ako na lang ba?" she still asked with insecurity.
Alyssa sighed before starting to sway them.
"You remember our wedding song, Hon?" Alyssa whispered and she nodded.
"I picked that song because every word of it spoke of my feelings for you, of my love for you."
Then Alyssa started singing softly to her ear. Yes, Alyssa might not have been given the best voice but when Alyssa sings, it was genuine.
During their wedding preparations, Alyssa only asked for one request and that's to be able to pick their wedding song.
She shouldn't have doubted Alyssa's feelings for her.
"For as long as I live I'll love you,
Will have and hold you.
You look so beautiful in white."
Her tears started to fall quietly.
Alyssa had promised her a life full of love. She should have held onto that. She will. Starting then, she will.
"And from now 'til my very last breath
This day I'll cherish.
You look so beautiful in white tonight."
She pulled Alyssa closer to her and cried on Alyssa's shoulder. Alyssa let her while rubbing her back soothingly.
"I'm sorry, Hon," she whispered.
"No, Hon," Alyssa said firmly. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you're second. You're not. I promise you're not."
Alyssa pulled back to look at her.
"We'll do it all. We'll sky jump, bungee jump, cliff diving, everything - we'll do it. And I'll cook anything you want, Hon. I will."
Alyssa was desperately trying to make up to her when she knew Alyssa had done nothing wrong. She would rather know why instead.
"Why didn't you before?" she asked with nothing but curiosity.
Alyssa loves her. Alyssa made her feel how much and there was no more reason for her to be insecure. She wouldn't be. For everyone's sake, she wouldn't be.
Alyssa took a deep breath before cupping her face again and staring at her intently, probably to let her know just how honest Alyssa will be with her words.
"Because I felt like it would be unfair to her if I overwrite the memories we had. Because that's all that we are, all that she had - memories," Alyssa said solemnly. "I didn't realize that by doing so, I lost sight of what I should be doing now. And that's making endless memories with you, Hon."
In that instance, she felt guilty because once more, she subjected Alyssa to pain and difficulties. She knew Alyssa was trying to do the honorable thing of keeping her memories alive but Alyssa was also doing it as little as possible for her sake.
What kind of woman would she be if she will somehow make Alyssa feel that she needs to forget her?
The kind even she would hate.
Besides, she doesn't need to settle for a repeat or re-do.
"Hon," she said, returning Alyssa's stare. "Cook me breakfast tomorrow."
Alyssa gulped. "Sure, Hon. What do you want?"
If she asks for pancakes, she knew Alyssa would prepare that without second thoughts. But again, she's not going to settle.
"I want English breakfast," she said which caught Alyssa in surprise. "I want more. Do you think I deserve more?"
Alyssa smiled widely.
"You deserve the best, Hon, so I'm going to cook the best tasting English breakfast you'll ever taste."
"And Hon," she added. "I don't want to do sky jumping or what-not. I want to travel the world with you."
"I'd love that too, Hon," Alyssa said. "I love you."
"I love you," she replied just as lovingly.
Alyssa slowly leaned to capture her lips again.
After showing how much Alyssa loves her with Alyssa's words. That night, Alyssa showed her love with her body and actions.
Yes, Alyssa definitely loves her.
-
A series of coughing brought her back to present.
She immediately approached Alyssa who was bending down and holding her chest. She stood beside her wife and rubbed her back smoothly.
Alyssa looked up at her in surprise before her gaze became full of love.
"Hon," Alyssa beamed.
"It's too cold out here, Hon," she said before assisting Alyssa to stand up.
She led the both of them to a couch still on the veranda so they could sit side by side.
Alyssa's arm immediately snaked around her back, holding her closer to Alyssa.
They stayed like that for a while because she knew how fatigued Alyssa already felt.
She slowly removed the bracelet on her right wrist.
"Hon," she started. Alyssa hummed in response. "I know you're already tired and that you're only staying for me and our family."
That made Alyssa look at her with curiosity.
"Y-you can rest now, Hon," she croaked.
She didn't want to say it but she would rather know Alyssa was already resting than watch her be in pain everyday.
"Hon, I...I..."
Alyssa couldn't even compose a sentence. She knew Alyssa wanted to deny it but Alyssa wouldn't lie to her.
"It's okay, Hon," she said comfortingly. "You've stayed for as long as you could and you've given us all a happy life."
She could see the tears starting to form on Alyssa's eyes. She was trying to keep hers in check. She couldn't show how painful this was to her. She couldn't show weakness for she knew Alyssa would stay if that happens. No matter how painful it would be for Alyssa, Alyssa would stay.
She smiled reassuringly and lovingly at Alyssa as she caressed her wife's cheek with her left hand. Her right hand slowly put the bracelet on Alyssa's hand.
Alyssa looked down and suddenly, her tears vanished because her gaze was replaced with curiosity.
"What's this?" Alyssa asked.
"It's your heart. I'm giving it back so you could give it to its rightful owner," she whispered sadly.
It's time for her to give Alyssa another chance, another choice. She would be thankful if Alyssa would still choose her in the afterlife or in the next lifetime, but if not, she would accept it. After all, Alyssa has given her her everything in this life.
"Which is why I'm asking why its rightful owner is giving it back to me," Alyssa deadpanned.
She snapped her head towards Alyssa and Alyssa unwaveringly met her gaze.
"Your heart-"
"Is yours, Den," Alyssa cut her off. "It has been yours since the moment I gave it to you and I never wanted it back."
She kept quiet.
"I don't know what you're thinking, Hon," Alyssa said softly. "But believe me when I say that I don't plan to give my heart to anyone else."
"Not in this lifetime," she supplied.
Alyssa nodded gravely.
She knew Alyssa wanted to say not in any lifetime but she also knew that Alyssa made a promise a long time ago to love someone else in the next one.
She smiled.
"Okay, then." She put on the bracelet on her wrist again which made Alyssa beam with happiness. "Can you at least give me a chance to fight for it in the next one?" she said in a teasing voice.
Alyssa chuckled.
"That would be up to you then, isn't it?"
She also laughed.
Oh, yes, it was up to her. And yes, she would fight for Alyssa's love again if she's given a chance.
But right then, there was no need to fight because she was the only one who owns Alyssa's heart.
They fell into a comfortable silence while holding each other's hand.
They talked about the life they shared together. The laughed, they cried, they bickered. One last night to relive the wonderful moments they shared together.
And that night, she fell asleep inside Alyssa's arms, after Alyssa sang her their favorite song one last time.
"For as long as I live I'll love you,
Will have and hold you.
You look so beautiful, my wife,"
She chuckled and she felt Alyssa's smile on her forehead.
"And since then 'til my very last breath,
Each day I cherish.
You look so beautiful, my wife."
"I love you, Den," Alyssa whispered.
"I love you, too, Ly," she replied.
Alyssa gave her one last perfect night to remember.
The next day, Alyssa didn't wake up anymore.
It was excruciating to have lost Alyssa but at the same time, she felt calm knowing Alyssa was finally at peace.
They had a wonderful life together.
That was more than enough.
END.
-
Author's notes: Yes, ito na 'yung part ni Den. I know medyo sabog din lalo na noong pahuli na kasi ang haba na, eh. Hahahuhu.
So what do you think? Leave your thoughts!